To The REAL JC
[Pete Trable is chillin’ like a villain is his crib, suckin’ on a 40 of O.E. and pacing around like he owns the place. Well, that would be because he does. My bad.
Pete has had his dander raised due to some recent events concerning the mix up of JC Long and Massive Man Rendition 1st. He’ll address those in a moment, brazenly flaunting his anger by using copious amounts of CAPS LOCK.]
Pete: “Yo, JC all pissed cause I called him Massive Man—
Don’t matter, doh—they both fight like PETER PAN!
Bouncin’ ‘round tha ring like they got SUGAR in they pants—
Hangin’ out at gay clubs— anticipatin’ the SLOW DANCE!
But JC, dat’s cool— I don’t mind that you’re an in-be-tween-AH—
Don’t care dat you like chicks, but you prefer WEE-NAH!
I’m gonna punch you in your snout, have it flowin’ like a spigot—
Smack your dumb ass so hard, your body’ll get a speedin’ TICKET!
JC, I’ll go up one side your head and down tha other—
Bitch slap your sister and bum rush your MOTHER!
I’ll chop down your whole family tree, and kill tha monkeys on its branches—
You think you beat me, foo’? You got ZERO CHANCES!
I’m tha baddest man on the planet, it’s not Mike Tyson or Brock Lesnar—
I’d punk both those clowns like they BETTE -FREAKIN’- MIDLER!
You wanna say dat I’m not a true rapper, dat I’m a copy cat?
Dogg, I got more hip to my hop than RAWKUS PLUS CARJACK!
Not only can I out-rap you, I’d KILL your ass if we were to wrestle—
If we were Ohio State, bitch, you tha waterboy— AND I’M HEAD COACH JIM TRESSEL!
I’m serious, yo— it’s no contest, I ain’t even bein’ cocky—
If this was 1976, you’d be Talia Shire and I’d be ROCKY!
You’ve already lost, chump— and the bell ain’t even ringin’—
You wrestle about as well as Roseanne does SINGIN’!
Hang it up, JC Long, be-fo’ I’m embarrass you with one hit—
Prove to the WORLD, wiggah, dat you tha blueprint fo’ walkin’ SHIT!
Dat’s straight up, yo—-“
(thumps chest three times, follows it up with a mild “gang sign” gesture. Struts out of camera view.)
AtomoMail
To: Pete Trable
From: Azathoth@AtomoMail.doom
Re: Bette Midler
Have you ever actually seen Bette Midler in a fight? I hope, for your sake, that you never actually do attempt to “punk” her.
AtomoMail accounts now available for the low, one-time payment of your eternal soul!
O’ course I did, foo’. Yo, you think I just make this stuff up? I saw Barbara Streisand straight up whoop her ass back in tha day, at like tha Oscars and shit, and I KNOW I can take Streisand.
Don’t playa hate, dogg— my rhymes are TRUE.
Hundred and 80 proof, know wha I’m sayin’?
Now get your stupid, robot ass off my tip—and questioning the factuality of my flow, be-fo’ I get super dope whacky on your dumb ass and leave you for a buzzard. Know wha I’m sayin’?
Word—
AtomoMail
To: Pete Trable
From: Azathoth@AtomoMail.doom
Re: Bette Midler
Unfortunately, no, I do not know what you are saying, as I can’t be bothered to learn the nuances of your inferior human slang. I do, however, have a question before I go: Are you trying to imply that Mr. Long is a homosexual? Because it’s a tad unclear.
YO! You can’t SEE DAT?! JC’s gots more FRUIT in him than my FTL’s, dogg!
Yo, don’t drop your oil can ’round HIM, knowwhaI’msayin’?
Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.