Witness the awesome power of Atomo!
AtomoTron online
Run “Omega_Hack.exe”
Working.
Working..
Working…
Comm. system override successful
Load segment “Awesome_Might”
(Fade up on Farmer Reb Brown’s rather cramped, but surprisingly clean and well decorated upstairs bathroom. From the point of view of the camera mounted on Atomo’s head, we see Dr. Azathoth staring in the mirror thoughtfully and rubbing his chin. Atomo stands directly behind him.)
Dr. Azathoth: Maybe I should grow a goatee. Go for sort-of a Vincent Pricey thing.
Atomo: ATOMO-CONCURS.
Dr. A: Yes… I- Oh, the AtomoTron has turned on! Well, greeting to all of you simians out there. I’m sure all of you were awed both by my own performance, and that of Atomo, at the amusingly named and otherwise banal Basebrawl. That is what I wanted to speak to you all about today. Most of you are probably too imbecilic to understand the many nuances of what is to follow, but I press on in the hope that a small amount will penetrate your pathetically undersized brains. I have two points I wish to address today. Firstly…
(Dr. A is interrupted by the sound of a fridge door opening downstaris, followed by a stream of curses)
Farmer Brown: Whipped cream on a cow pie! Doc, I’ve done told ya before, if’n you’re gonna bring home take-out, then you have to eat it before it gets moldy!
Dr. A: How many times must I silence you before stay quiet for good, you irritating little worm?
FB: You know, now that I look at it, the pattern it’s grown into looks almost familiar; In fact, it almost looks like… What? What on earth? My God, I never expected something like this… there’s so many… legions… AIIIIEEE!
Dr. A: Ahem, as I was saying, I want to talk to you about Basebrawl. Firstly, Devolution. While I enjoy watching the great heels play mind games with the fans and wrestlers, I’m a little disappointed that you didn’t include Atomo, as “That which should not be”. But no matter, the OWTTM is not my primary objective, and I have no objection to it staying in your hands for as long as you can keep it there.
Atomo: QUERY-
(Farmer B. walks by the bathroom door and Atomo turns to look at him)
FB: Don’t pay me no mind, I was just going up to the attic to fetch a couple ‘o jars ‘o sulfuric acid. Y’all just go on ahead with your promo.
(We return to face the bathroom mirror)
Dr. A: Much more important then that is-
A: QUERY: GIVEN-THAT-ENTITY-
Dr. A: Silence machine! You will speak only when spoken to! As I was saying, a much more important matter is Atomo’s defeat at the hands of the Violent Pacifist. While you may have taken him by surprise once, I have taken the liberty of-
A: ERROR.
Dr. A: What?
A: ERROR: WHILE-THIS-UNIT-WAS-DISABLED-BY-THE-USE-OF-A-BASEBALL-BAT-IT-WAS-NOT-IN-FACT-WIELDED-BY-ENTITY: VIOLENT PACIFIST. THE-ENTITY-WHO-DISABLED-THIS-UNIT-IS-KNOWN-AS-BILLY POLAR.
Dr. A: You dare to contradict me!? Me, the very being who gave you life!?
A: THIS-UNIT-WOULD-NOT-PRESUME-TO-CRITICIZE-YOU. HOWEVER-A-SIMPLE-REVIEW-OF-THE-TAPPED-EVIDENCE-SHOULD-BE-ENOUGH-TO-CONVINCE-YOU-THAT-ENTITY: POLAR-WAS-RESPONSIBLE-FOR-THIS-UNIT’S-FAILURE. QUEUEING UP SEGMENT: BASEBRAWL, NTSC NO-
Dr. A: No no no! No one contradicts Dr. Azathoth! I am omnipotent, and anything I say is therefore the truth! Besides that, I have taken the time to upgrade you in a variety of ways to make you impervious to anything that Vice President could throw at you. I’m not letting all that work go to waste just because of some “hunch” you have about what happened!
A: BUT-
Dr. A: No “buts”! We’re continuing with the demonstration. As I was saying, Victory Parade may wield a bat with exceptional skill, but I have taken the liberty of upgrading Atomo’s “Getting-hit-in-the-head-with-a-bat” protocols. He is now impervious to any bludgeoning you can give him. Observe.
(Dr. Azathoth now hefts a baseball bat over his head, and wallops Atomo over the head with it as hard as he can. Atomo immediately collapses, cracking his head on the side of the sink as he goes down. Since the camera’s on his head, we get to spend the next couple of minutes staring at the dust bunnies under the sink.)
A: PAIN-LEVEL: HIGH.
Dr. A: To the untrained eye, it may seem as though Atomo has been disabled. However, he can turn even this situation to his advantage, with his patented “stealth mode”. Atomo, activate stealth mode!
A: STEALTH-MODE-ACTIVATED: I-AM-IN-PAIN I-AM-IN-PAIN I-AM-IN-PAIN.
Dr. A: This clever ruse will continue until his opponent approaches close enough. Then, HE STRIKES!
A: ATOMO-ACTIVATE!
(Atomo rises to his feet, knocking his head on the sink once again, and demonstrates his power by dramatically sweeping the toothpaste and ceramic toothbrush holder off the top of the sink.)
Dr. A:HAHAHA! But that is not all! I have also built in a variety of new offensive techniques, which Atomo will demonstrate by demolishing this chamber!
A: TARGET-AQUIRED: TOWEL-RACK.
(At this, Atomo removes the towel rack from its holder, dropping the towels on the floor, and proceeds to break it in half. He seems to have a little bit of trouble, even though it’s incredibly flimsy. In short order, Atomo proceeds to rip the shower curtain; dump a box of Q-tips on the floor, beat an electric razor against the side of the sink until it busts open; and break a plastic comb in half. For some reason he shouts “TARGET ACQUIRED” before each of these actions. As this carnage is going on, Farmer Brown walks back past the door.)
FB: Hi guys I was just going to get the- HOLY HELL’S HALFPIPE! What in the name of reason are you doing to my bathroom?! You know what, right now, I don’t even want to know. I’m just going to go get your Gamma Ray Emitter and take care of things downstairs. But I can tell you now we are going to have a long talk when I’m through.
(Farmer Brown stalks off as Atomo continues his rampage, culminating with him punching the mirror.)
Dr. A: So you see Victor Parsons-
A: VIOLENT-PACIFIST
Dr. A: I say his name is Victor Parsons, and what I say goes. Anyway Vector Potato, you now see that you are no match for our might! BWAHAHAHAHA!
(A violent explosion from downstairs punctuates Dr. Azathoth’s laugh as we fade to black.)
End Transmission