BOB eWrestling | Rant Zone Archive!

[The scene is a ridiculously decorated bachelor pad, complete with stupid stuff “cool” guys would decorate a place in hopes of bedding chicks--- lava lamp, fur covered sofa, end table that looks like a giant hand, framed picture of Einstein, another framed picture (this one of recently deceased Beatle George Harrison), a “spider” lamp, a weight bench, and a bust of Malcolm X (that looks as pasty as Casper for some reason) etc. Okay, so maybe these things won’t get you laid, but what else is a single dude going to furnish his pad with? Okay, let me rephrase that--- a single dude WITH MONEY. Which is why you don’t see a milk crate serving as a coffee table.

Segue- In “George Jefferson-struts” a man that looks to be in his early 30’s, wearing SURPLUS baggie, faded jeans, a pair of tan Lugz boots, a Clippers jersey (which, since they haven’t changed their shitty logo in forever LOOKS like a throw-back) and an authentic L.L. Cool J Kangaroo cap pulled down to his eyebrows. Oh yeah, he also has a retro, big-ass Run DMC chain necklace, large enough to keep even a frothing Doberman in the yard, around his neck. The man looks weathered enough to have some gray hairs in his goatee--- but following the lead of Kevin Nash and Goldberg, he has blackened them in with some Just for Men to look, perhaps, “younger” on television. He plops on the furry couch, and starts to speak in a forceful, gruff voice that sounds like he just smoked a whole pack of Malboros.]

PXT- “YO, YO, YO!
I’m gonna nip this in the bud, b’fo you get the CHANCE to call me a RIPOFF—
I was bustin’ rhymes and flowin’ lines back when Magnum T.A. wrestled NIKITA KOLOFF!

So don’t you fools even DARE say I’m that dude from the W-W-E—
He’s new school Eminem, and I’m ORIGINAL GANGSTA like ICE T!

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah, you know Ice T, tha dude from Body Count back in 92, that’s right—
That’s b’fo John Cena even wrestled as THE PROTOTYPE!

So if you wanna see the real deal, look right here at PETE TRABLE—
You’ve prob-ly already seen me, though— been on more mag covers than SABLE!

But if you haven’t, take a look, I’m takin’ over this PROMOTION—
I’m the King of Jungle, the biggest fish IN THA OCEAN!

Ya’ll think I’m scared of Billy POLAR?
Shit, his ass is grass, and I’m THA LAWN MOWER!

And who’s this fag, that hub snuffer named Steve Studnuts?
The only action that cat’s getting is from up in MEN’S BUTTS!

Word, and what about that chump— masked dope named Kamakaze Ken?
I’ll beat his ass once, then I’ll do it AGAIN!

Same thing with that fem-boy, that sissy Trey Vincent—
Dude looks like a chick, like that Titanic bitch KATE WINSLETT!

Then you got that penis breath reject named Seth Harker—
You’re the hoochie that flips the prices, and I’m BOB BARKER!

Then you got that breakfast named dude with no skills cause he blows—
I’ll squeeze Waffleman’s head so tight, he’ll scream LETGO MY EGGO!

Ya’ll ain’t got nothing on me, cause I’m PETE TRABLE—
And talent-wise— ya’ll public access, and I’m DIGITAL CABLE!

Just give me a match, you’ll see this ain’t no game I’m PLAYIN’—
I’ll dust your ass with Pledge, know wha I’m SAYIN’?

Word Life
Barney Fife
I just had sex—- WITH YOUR WIFE!

I’m Audi—- 5000!”

[“X Gonna Give It To Ya” by DMX starts to play in the background, Pete flashes a gang sign of some sort and then exits stage left]

Pete XFactor Trable rant Billy Polar, e-wrestling, efed, fantasy wrestling, kamikazie ken, parody, Pete Trable, seth harker, Steve Studnuts, Trey Vincent