Greetings, my name is Dr. Hem Froid, clinical psychologist and ebonics professor at the Institude of Higher Learning and Ghetto Slang in downtown greater Washington, DC.
Tonight, I’ll attempt to decipher the various rants of Pete Trable, a man whom many might find hard to understand.
It took hours of research. Enjoy, and better comphrehend the vocabular sylings of Mr. Trable.
“Yo, JC all pissed cause I called him Massive Man—
Don’t matter, doh—they both fight like PETER PAN!
“Here, Pete is simply saying that he’s not afraid or either JC Long or Massive Man Rendition 1st due to the fact he thinks they fight like a “fairy”, albeit a boy fairy, a fairy nonetheless.”
Bouncin’ ‘round tha ring like they got SUGAR in they pants—
Hangin’ out at gay clubs— anticipatin’ the SLOW DANCE!
“I think that’s self explanatory.”
But JC, dat’s cool— I don’t mind that you’re an in-be-tween-AH—
Don’t care dat you like chicks, but you prefer WEE-NAH!
“In-be-tween-AH”, Pete Trable slang for a bisexual. Hence the reference to liking women, yet preferring penis.”
I’m gonna punch you in your snout, have it flowin’ like a spigot—
Smack your dumb ass so hard, your body’ll get a speedin’ TICKET!
“A nose bleed of heavy hemorrhage, much like that of a water faucet. The next line is slang once again, a metaphor if you will that Pete would punch JC so hard his body would exceed a posted speed limit.”
JC, I’ll go up one side your head and down tha other—
Bitch slap your sister and bum rush your MOTHER!
“I can only speculate that “bum rush” would indicate Pete would force himself sexually on JC’s mother, after slapping his sister and pounding both sides of JC’s cranium.”
I’ll chop down your whole family tree, and kill tha monkeys on its branches—
You think you beat me, foo’? You got ZERO CHANCES!
“This need not be dealt with in psychological terms— Pete has told Mr. Long that his family tree is full of simians and that JC would have absolutely no opportunity to defeat him in one-on-one competition.”
I’m tha baddest man on the planet, it’s not Mike Tyson or Brock Lesnar—
I’d punk both those clowns like they BETTE -FREAKIN’- MIDLER!
“Here, Pete proclaims he’s the toughest human being on Earth and that Michael Tyson and Brock Lesnar are in comparison to him a middle aged female singer, and that in physical combat, Pete would easily defeat them as if he was fighting aforementioned middle aged female singer.”
[ We have deleted some “lines” due to time constraints ]
I’m serious, yo— it’s no contest, I ain’t even bein’ cocky—
If this was 1976, you’d be Talia Shire and I’d be ROCKY!
“Here, Pete playfully references the first of 5 films regarding the life of punching bag turned Champ of the World, Rocky Balboa. Pete simply says here to JC Long, that even if it were nearly 30 years ago, Mr. Long would STILL be Pete’s “bitch”, indicated by the reference to Talia Shire, who played Rocky’s wife Adrienne in the movie.”
You’ve already lost, chump— and the bell ain’t even ringin’—
You wrestle about as well as Roseanne does SINGIN’!
“Pete recalls Roseanne Barr/Arnold’s butchery of the National Anthem at a Major League Baseball All-Star game some years ago, and relays this to JC that his wrestling talent is just as poor.”
YO! You can’t SEE DAT?! JC’s gots more FRUIT in him than my FTL’s, dogg!
“FTL’s”, the initials for popular underwear brand, Fruit of the Loom, which features four men dressed as various types of fruit on its logo.”
Man, I ain’t NEVER seen some shit so poor—
Hell, you even make Dr. Seuss look HARDCORE!
“Indicates here that JC Long’s attempt at rapping is so tame it makes world recognized, children’s book author “Dr. Seuss”, known for his work on such classics as “Green Eggs and Ham” and “The Cat in the Hat” to name a few— appear to be much more harsh with his rhymes than Mr. Long”.
So listen, chump— I ACCEPT your invite to a match—
Then I’ll kick your ass and shove my pipe in your girl’s SNATCH!
“Simply put, he’d defeat Mr. Long with relative easy and then insert his penis into his girlfriend’s vagina post match.”
[More deletion due to time constraints.]
Sign it, booker man— and don’t be too slow to write it down—
Don’t want to give fruity JC a chance to skip BOB-TOWN!
“He wanted the match “booked”, slang wrestling term for signing a contracted form of competition, before Mr. Long had the opportunity to leave town.”
That’s straight up, dogg— I can’t wait for this by far—
One less queer in the world to put a rainbow on his CAR!
“A reference to homosexuals whom would indicate their preferences by placing a rainbow sticker, or in some cases a triangle (not mentioned) on their automobile”
Yo, I got a bite already and I just STARTED fishin’—
Got a foo’ thinks he can beat me, but dat foo’s just WISHIN’!
“A reference to a quick reply, after Pete initially started to randomly call names of other performers in the BOB promotion. Then, indicates to the replier than he was hoping he’d be able to defeat Mr. Trable.”
I mean really, Dr. Azz-hole, what tha hell you been smokin’?
You think you can hang wit this, man? Fo’ shizzle my nizzle, you JOKIN’!
“Eludes that Dr. Azathoth were smoking a marijuana cigarette just prior to his reply.
Then questions the physician if he thought he could compete with Pete himself. Adds a bit of culture, using the slang of popular rap artist “Snoop Doggie Dogg”, to skirt around saying “For sure, my N-word”.”
I’m serious, yo— me fightin’ you would get STUPID messy—-
Kinda like me beatin’ up dat Magoo glasses bitch SALLY JESSE!
“A fight between Pete Trable and Dr. Azathoth would be very bloody indeed for the doctor.
Then a reference to Sally Jesse Rafael, a talk show hostess that wears ridiculously large eyeglasses reminiscent of cartoon character Mr. Magoo.”
You no challenge for me, dogg— you just a ‘tarded boob—
Dumbass don’t even know tha cat in “Three Kings” was ICE CUBE!
“A rebuttal to Dr. Azathoth thinking the character in the movie “Three Kings” was rapper Ice T., when in actually it was Ice Cube (also seen in Boyz in tha Hood, and Anaconda)”
No standin’ eight for you, chump— it’d be a straight up knockout—-
Turn off your lights quicker than last Friday’s BLACKOUT!
“Standing Eight,” boxing term for a mandatory count to eight for a fighter knocked to the canvas, semi conscious, but regains his feet before being counted out at 10. Usually the fighter is up well before the eight, but may not have his wits about him, the standing eight gives the ring official time to determine if the fight should continue. “BLACKOUT” refers to the Niagra Power Grid failure that left New York, Cleveland, Toronto, Can, and other cities without power for several hours.”
I’ll take on you AND your boy and STILL can’t go wrong-
Ain’t goin’ out to a punk from a Styx SONG!
“Mr. Roboto”, an early 80’s hit for the band Styx, who many labeled a “sell-out” for recording this catchy pop song and straying from their earlier, more rock band type roots. Mr. Atomo’s entrance music.”
Look at him, people— and realize he just blows—-
Watch me whip him very mucho, that Mr. Atom-O!
“Another reference to the song, which mimics the line “Thank you very mucho, Mr. Roboto.”
And how can I be scared of some foo’ named Azathoth?
Sheeeeeeeit— I’m more intimidated by DAVID HASSELHOFF!
“David Hasselhoff, star of “Knight Rider” and “Baywatch”. Okay, whom am I kidding? The talking car was the star of “Knight Rider” and gratuitous T&A was the star of “Baywatch”. Hasselhoff was along for ride, literally.”
Which is not at all, yo—‘cause he’s like pushin’ fifty—
Suckin’ his gut in every time dat homo’s on TEE VEE!
“Pete indicates that he is in no way intimidated by Mr. Hasselhoff, who is nearly 50 years of age according to Pete, and pokes fun at David’s obvious “sucking in his gut” on the “Baywatch” show which usually forced him to be shirtless.”
I’ll whoop all THREE of ya’ll, and I’d do it chilled easy—
Make your ass disappear just like CHANDRA LEVY!
“Eludes to missing intern Chandra Levy, whose disappearance dominated the headlines for nearly a year and had a California congressman under fire for knowing something about the crime .”
And then I’ll spank these monkeys like I do my broke CD burner—
I’ll be tha Ike— ya know, like to their TINA TURNER!
“Another tasteless reference, this time concerning Ike Turner’s domestic violence against his former wife Tina. Pete says here that he would be playing the role of Ike, and the doctor and his robot creation would be the Tina.”
Or maybe I won’t— it just don’t seem fair—-
Unless Christopher Reeves makes room for them in his freakin’ wheelCHAIR!
“Yet again, Pete uses crassness to try and slander his opponents, a dubious remark about quadriplegic former actor, Christopher Reeves, who was crippled after a horse riding accident. Mr. Trable relays the message to his foes that both of them fighting him would not be a fair contest unless Mr. Reeves wanted to share his transportation aide with them after assuming Pete would render both of their arms and legs useless.”
Mr. Trable had two more “raps” I wished to analyze at this time. Unfortunately, my allotted segment has run its course.
Good night and happy fighting.