Archive

Archive for August, 2003

Understanding Pete Trable

August 29th, 2003
Comments Off on Understanding Pete Trable

Greetings, my name is Dr. Hem Froid, clinical psychologist and ebonics professor at the Institude of Higher Learning and Ghetto Slang in downtown greater Washington, DC.

Tonight, I’ll attempt to decipher the various rants of Pete Trable, a man whom many might find hard to understand.

It took hours of research. Enjoy, and better comphrehend the vocabular sylings of Mr. Trable.

“Yo, JC all pissed cause I called him Massive Man—
Don’t matter, doh—they both fight like PETER PAN!

“Here, Pete is simply saying that he’s not afraid or either JC Long or Massive Man Rendition 1st due to the fact he thinks they fight like a “fairy”, albeit a boy fairy, a fairy nonetheless.”

Bouncin’ ‘round tha ring like they got SUGAR in they pants—
Hangin’ out at gay clubs— anticipatin’ the SLOW DANCE!

“I think that’s self explanatory.”

But JC, dat’s cool— I don’t mind that you’re an in-be-tween-AH—
Don’t care dat you like chicks, but you prefer WEE-NAH!

“In-be-tween-AH”, Pete Trable slang for a bisexual. Hence the reference to liking women, yet preferring penis.”

I’m gonna punch you in your snout, have it flowin’ like a spigot—
Smack your dumb ass so hard, your body’ll get a speedin’ TICKET!

“A nose bleed of heavy hemorrhage, much like that of a water faucet. The next line is slang once again, a metaphor if you will that Pete would punch JC so hard his body would exceed a posted speed limit.”

JC, I’ll go up one side your head and down tha other—
Bitch slap your sister and bum rush your MOTHER!

“I can only speculate that “bum rush” would indicate Pete would force himself sexually on JC’s mother, after slapping his sister and pounding both sides of JC’s cranium.”

I’ll chop down your whole family tree, and kill tha monkeys on its branches—
You think you beat me, foo’? You got ZERO CHANCES!

“This need not be dealt with in psychological terms— Pete has told Mr. Long that his family tree is full of simians and that JC would have absolutely no opportunity to defeat him in one-on-one competition.”

I’m tha baddest man on the planet, it’s not Mike Tyson or Brock Lesnar—
I’d punk both those clowns like they BETTE -FREAKIN’- MIDLER!

“Here, Pete proclaims he’s the toughest human being on Earth and that Michael Tyson and Brock Lesnar are in comparison to him a middle aged female singer, and that in physical combat, Pete would easily defeat them as if he was fighting aforementioned middle aged female singer.”

[ We have deleted some “lines” due to time constraints ]

I’m serious, yo— it’s no contest, I ain’t even bein’ cocky—
If this was 1976, you’d be Talia Shire and I’d be ROCKY!

“Here, Pete playfully references the first of 5 films regarding the life of punching bag turned Champ of the World, Rocky Balboa. Pete simply says here to JC Long, that even if it were nearly 30 years ago, Mr. Long would STILL be Pete’s “bitch”, indicated by the reference to Talia Shire, who played Rocky’s wife Adrienne in the movie.”

You’ve already lost, chump— and the bell ain’t even ringin’—
You wrestle about as well as Roseanne does SINGIN’!

“Pete recalls Roseanne Barr/Arnold’s butchery of the National Anthem at a Major League Baseball All-Star game some years ago, and relays this to JC that his wrestling talent is just as poor.”

YO! You can’t SEE DAT?! JC’s gots more FRUIT in him than my FTL’s, dogg!

“FTL’s”, the initials for popular underwear brand, Fruit of the Loom, which features four men dressed as various types of fruit on its logo.”

Man, I ain’t NEVER seen some shit so poor—
Hell, you even make Dr. Seuss look HARDCORE!

“Indicates here that JC Long’s attempt at rapping is so tame it makes world recognized, children’s book author “Dr. Seuss”, known for his work on such classics as “Green Eggs and Ham” and “The Cat in the Hat” to name a few— appear to be much more harsh with his rhymes than Mr. Long”.

So listen, chump— I ACCEPT your invite to a match—
Then I’ll kick your ass and shove my pipe in your girl’s SNATCH!

“Simply put, he’d defeat Mr. Long with relative easy and then insert his penis into his girlfriend’s vagina post match.”

[More deletion due to time constraints.]

Sign it, booker man— and don’t be too slow to write it down—
Don’t want to give fruity JC a chance to skip BOB-TOWN!

“He wanted the match “booked”, slang wrestling term for signing a contracted form of competition, before Mr. Long had the opportunity to leave town.”

[Deletion]

That’s straight up, dogg— I can’t wait for this by far—
One less queer in the world to put a rainbow on his CAR!

“A reference to homosexuals whom would indicate their preferences by placing a rainbow sticker, or in some cases a triangle (not mentioned) on their automobile”

Yo, I got a bite already and I just STARTED fishin’—
Got a foo’ thinks he can beat me, but dat foo’s just WISHIN’!

“A reference to a quick reply, after Pete initially started to randomly call names of other performers in the BOB promotion. Then, indicates to the replier than he was hoping he’d be able to defeat Mr. Trable.”

I mean really, Dr. Azz-hole, what tha hell you been smokin’?
You think you can hang wit this, man? Fo’ shizzle my nizzle, you JOKIN’!

“Eludes that Dr. Azathoth were smoking a marijuana cigarette just prior to his reply.
Then questions the physician if he thought he could compete with Pete himself. Adds a bit of culture, using the slang of popular rap artist “Snoop Doggie Dogg”, to skirt around saying “For sure, my N-word”.”

I’m serious, yo— me fightin’ you would get STUPID messy—-
Kinda like me beatin’ up dat Magoo glasses bitch SALLY JESSE!

“A fight between Pete Trable and Dr. Azathoth would be very bloody indeed for the doctor.
Then a reference to Sally Jesse Rafael, a talk show hostess that wears ridiculously large eyeglasses reminiscent of cartoon character Mr. Magoo.”

You no challenge for me, dogg— you just a ‘tarded boob—
Dumbass don’t even know tha cat in “Three Kings” was ICE CUBE!

“A rebuttal to Dr. Azathoth thinking the character in the movie “Three Kings” was rapper Ice T., when in actually it was Ice Cube (also seen in Boyz in tha Hood, and Anaconda)”

No standin’ eight for you, chump— it’d be a straight up knockout—-
Turn off your lights quicker than last Friday’s BLACKOUT!

“Standing Eight,” boxing term for a mandatory count to eight for a fighter knocked to the canvas, semi conscious, but regains his feet before being counted out at 10. Usually the fighter is up well before the eight, but may not have his wits about him, the standing eight gives the ring official time to determine if the fight should continue. “BLACKOUT” refers to the Niagra Power Grid failure that left New York, Cleveland, Toronto, Can, and other cities without power for several hours.”

I’ll take on you AND your boy and STILL can’t go wrong-
Ain’t goin’ out to a punk from a Styx SONG!

“Mr. Roboto”, an early 80’s hit for the band Styx, who many labeled a “sell-out” for recording this catchy pop song and straying from their earlier, more rock band type roots. Mr. Atomo’s entrance music.”

Look at him, people— and realize he just blows—-
Watch me whip him very mucho, that Mr. Atom-O!

“Another reference to the song, which mimics the line “Thank you very mucho, Mr. Roboto.”

And how can I be scared of some foo’ named Azathoth?
Sheeeeeeeit— I’m more intimidated by DAVID HASSELHOFF!

“David Hasselhoff, star of “Knight Rider” and “Baywatch”. Okay, whom am I kidding? The talking car was the star of “Knight Rider” and gratuitous T&A was the star of “Baywatch”. Hasselhoff was along for ride, literally.”

Which is not at all, yo—‘cause he’s like pushin’ fifty—
Suckin’ his gut in every time dat homo’s on TEE VEE!

“Pete indicates that he is in no way intimidated by Mr. Hasselhoff, who is nearly 50 years of age according to Pete, and pokes fun at David’s obvious “sucking in his gut” on the “Baywatch” show which usually forced him to be shirtless.”

I’ll whoop all THREE of ya’ll, and I’d do it chilled easy—
Make your ass disappear just like CHANDRA LEVY!

“Eludes to missing intern Chandra Levy, whose disappearance dominated the headlines for nearly a year and had a California congressman under fire for knowing something about the crime .”

And then I’ll spank these monkeys like I do my broke CD burner—
I’ll be tha Ike— ya know, like to their TINA TURNER!

“Another tasteless reference, this time concerning Ike Turner’s domestic violence against his former wife Tina. Pete says here that he would be playing the role of Ike, and the doctor and his robot creation would be the Tina.”

Or maybe I won’t— it just don’t seem fair—-
Unless Christopher Reeves makes room for them in his freakin’ wheelCHAIR!

“Yet again, Pete uses crassness to try and slander his opponents, a dubious remark about quadriplegic former actor, Christopher Reeves, who was crippled after a horse riding accident. Mr. Trable relays the message to his foes that both of them fighting him would not be a fair contest unless Mr. Reeves wanted to share his transportation aide with them after assuming Pete would render both of their arms and legs useless.”

Mr. Trable had two more “raps” I wished to analyze at this time. Unfortunately, my allotted segment has run its course.

Good night and happy fighting.

rant , , , , ,

To The REAL JC

August 27th, 2003

[Pete Trable is chillin’ like a villain is his crib, suckin’ on a 40 of O.E. and pacing around like he owns the place. Well, that would be because he does. My bad.

Pete has had his dander raised due to some recent events concerning the mix up of JC Long and Massive Man Rendition 1st. He’ll address those in a moment, brazenly flaunting his anger by using copious amounts of CAPS LOCK.]

Pete: “Yo, JC all pissed cause I called him Massive Man—
Don’t matter, doh—they both fight like PETER PAN!

Bouncin’ ‘round tha ring like they got SUGAR in they pants—
Hangin’ out at gay clubs— anticipatin’ the SLOW DANCE!

But JC, dat’s cool— I don’t mind that you’re an in-be-tween-AH—
Don’t care dat you like chicks, but you prefer WEE-NAH!

I’m gonna punch you in your snout, have it flowin’ like a spigot—
Smack your dumb ass so hard, your body’ll get a speedin’ TICKET!

JC, I’ll go up one side your head and down tha other—
Bitch slap your sister and bum rush your MOTHER!

I’ll chop down your whole family tree, and kill tha monkeys on its branches—
You think you beat me, foo’? You got ZERO CHANCES!

I’m tha baddest man on the planet, it’s not Mike Tyson or Brock Lesnar—
I’d punk both those clowns like they BETTE -FREAKIN’- MIDLER!

You wanna say dat I’m not a true rapper, dat I’m a copy cat?
Dogg, I got more hip to my hop than RAWKUS PLUS CARJACK!

Not only can I out-rap you, I’d KILL your ass if we were to wrestle—
If we were Ohio State, bitch, you tha waterboy— AND I’M HEAD COACH JIM TRESSEL!

I’m serious, yo— it’s no contest, I ain’t even bein’ cocky—
If this was 1976, you’d be Talia Shire and I’d be ROCKY!

You’ve already lost, chump— and the bell ain’t even ringin’—
You wrestle about as well as Roseanne does SINGIN’!

Hang it up, JC Long, be-fo’ I’m embarrass you with one hit—
Prove to the WORLD, wiggah, dat you tha blueprint fo’ walkin’ SHIT!

Dat’s straight up, yo—-“

(thumps chest three times, follows it up with a mild “gang sign” gesture. Struts out of camera view.)

rant , , , , , , , ,

J.C. WHO?

August 20th, 2003
Comments Off on J.C. WHO?

[Pete Trable was busy in his recording studio, laying down the title track on his upcoming album, 8 Inch, when he overhears the ruckus at the Indians ballgame on SportsCenter. He finishes his final lines to the rap, which rumor has it has nothing to do with the street he grew up on.]

Pete: “Wha tha fah? Dat dude MUST be trippin’!

Yo, JC— I heard your sorry ass rap—
Take out tha CORN, all dat’s left is tha CRAP!

Man, I ain’t NEVER seen some shit so poor—
Hell, you even make Dr. Seuss look HARDCORE!

So listen, chump— I ACCEPT your invite to a match—
Then I’ll kick your ass and shove my pipe in your girl’s SNATCH!

Unless, of course— your “girl” is your teammates—
Brandon and Jim, I bet on condoms you fags get REBATES!

Ya’ll buy ‘em in bulk, got a CLOSET full of those rubbers—
Dat’s right, yo— ya’ll ain’t nothin’ but three BROWNIE HOLE LOVERS!

You out here talkin’ about bein’ down with a thong—
Livin’ with two dudes, yeah— I knew somethin’ was wrong.

But dat’s Oooooooooookay, I beat up limp wristers, too—
So you’re on, doobie smoocha, at tha next pay-per-VIEW!

And if you want, turd burglar, I’ll take on your whole flamin’ faction—
Put all three of you homos in a spinal TRACTION!

But since I can’t get Ren. 1st, and beat him till he slobbahs—
I guess I’ll just have to wail on only one of you JOBBAHS!

Sign it, booker man— and don’t be too slow to write it down—
Don’t want to give fruity JC a chance to skip BOB-TOWN!

Gonna beat him till he bleeds— gonna beat him till he dies—
Gonna beat him till his face looks like ketchup WAFFLE FRIES!

I’m serious, dogg—- your ass gots to go—
You can’t wrestle worth a shit and your “rap” has no FLOW!

You wanna say I’m a copy-cat of dat dude John Cena?
Foo’, I told you I was doin’ this when he a diaper on his WEE-NAH!

You don’t listen, yo—and dat’s your problem—
But listen to this, though, foo’— I’M GONNA HAVE YOU HOBBLIN’!

And when you can’t walk straight, I’ll move in for the kill—
Brandon and Jim will have to find another butthole to FILL!

That’s straight up, dogg— I can’t wait for this by far—
One less queer in the world to put a rainbow on his CAR!

WORD UP!”

(thumps chest)

[Pete waves his hands in the air like he just don’t care, and then suddenly exits to the left]

rant , , , , , ,

Here we go again, JC laying it out for Pete

August 19th, 2003
Comments Off on Here we go again, JC laying it out for Pete

(Camera comes on, The Master for Joshitude and his Double MFer J.C. Long. At and Cleveland Indians baseball game.)

MMR1: You know what’s wrong with Terry Mulholland?

JC: He’s 47 and has no juice left.

MMR1: He’s not in touch with his inner Joshitude.

(Crack.)

Baseball Announcer : Oh my that was a Dinger.

MMR1: See, I would have struck that guy out. I bet you didn’t know that Massive Man Rendition First…

(throws up the MMR1 hand sign.)

MMR1: Was a championship baseball player.

JC: No I didn’t. Who’d you play for?

MMR1: Lucart Heating and Cooling.

JC: Who? I’ve never heard of them.

MMR1: It was my little league team.

JC: Little League!

MMR1: Yes Little League, but that’s not the point. The point is because I Massive Man Rendition First…

(Throws up the MMR1 hand sign.)

MMR1:…Passed out the Joshitude, we came through with flying colors.

(Crack)

Baseball Announcer: Wow that is exactly the way we want to see this team hitting.

JC: Damn it’s the 9 inning and The Devil Rays just tied it up.

MMR1: Yeah looks like, because Mulholland has not Joshitude we have to sit through extra innings.

Baseball Announcer: This just in, appartently in other news Massive Man Renditon First has been called out by freestyle rap sensation Pete the Xfactor Trable.

MMR1: What the hell is this…now that I am a huge Superstar in BOB’s.

JC: Did he say freestyle rap sensation?

MMR1: Yes I believe he did.

JC: That Punk is trying to move in on my gimmick.

MMR1: If memory serves you are both taking a bite out of John Cena’s gimmick.

JC: Oh sorry mister “Joshitude”

MMR1: Don’t take that tone with me.

(SMACK! a shinny silver piece of paper nails MMR1 in the side of his head)

MMR1: What the hell was that.

(MMR1 looks down and sees it’s a hot dog.)

MMR1: What the hell!

(MMR1 sees Slider the Indian’s mascot throwing them. MMR1 jumps out of his seat and begins chasing after Slider. At the same time JC runs up to the Announcers booth, and he jumps on the mic.)

JC: Xfactor, you think you’re quick on your feet
But instead of rhymin’ all ya do is just re-pete
Then you sit aroun and beat your meat
So listen to the man who’s got the throngs
Because he’s down with the thong
The next Hardcore Champ is JC Long
If you think you’re the best at the rap game
I will put you and your fools to shame
I’m so confident, I’ll bet my name
So at the next pay-per-view its on
I will win and you’ll be gone
Because I am the long one
So grip the mic and we will rock
And I will give your mom a shock
When she gets a look at my big fat….

(Security finds him and pulls the mic away at the same time the crowd screams. MMR1 has caught up with Slider and has thrown him on the ground.)

MMR1: Take it, how do you like that Billy Polar. Yeah try to screw me out of a match now.

(Indian’s security comes down and grabs MMR1 off Slider, MMR1 continues to kick and shout at Slider)

MMR1: Next time Polar I will unload a world of Joshitude on you…you will pay some day you just may …

(A security guy pokes MMR1 in the side.)

MMR1: HEY!

(Security take MMR1 and JC and throw them out of the stadium …fade to black)

rant , , , , , , , ,

Get you some, Dr Azathoth

August 19th, 2003
Comments Off on Get you some, Dr Azathoth

[ Pete Trable is seen in his recording studio, laying down the final track to his soon-to-be hit, “Girl, You Gots a Big Ol’ Ass”, his “gansta” version of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s bubble gummy “Baby Got Back”. Pete is again wearing SUPER BAGGY jeans, showing his ass covered only by yellow polka dot Joe Boxers. He also has on a pair of tan Lugz boots, barely visible under his dual, 50 fold pant legs. Pete sports a vintage Yankees’ throwback, which is a bit redundant since their logo or jersey has never changed in their what? 100-year history? Okay, so it’s not TECHNICALLY a throwback— but don’t tell Pete that.

Segue— Pete’s black with blonde tip, military flat-topped hair is hidden under a reversed Red Sox cap, a traditional styled blue one with the red “B”. Now, the fact that Pete has mixed bitter rivals Boston and New York to his outfit either says a) He doesn’t watch baseball or b) He doesn’t give a damn. Probably c) though—which is both a) and b).

Pete’s “Just for Men” blackened goatee looks as though it needs a touch up as some gray hairs are prevalent close to his skin. Pete doesn’t care because he’s working— until he sees the camera that is to record his next promo, the one in regards to Dr. Azathoth. He cracks his own knuckles, and cuts loose with that voice that sounds like he just gargled with shards of glass.]

Pete: “Ah yeeeeeeeeeeeeah. ‘Bout time, know wha I’m sayin’?

Yo, I got a bite already and I just STARTED fishin’—
Got a foo’ thinks he can beat me, but dat foo’s just WISHIN’!

I mean really, Dr. Azz-hole, what tha hell you been smokin’?
You think you can hang wit this, man? Fo’ shizzle my nizzle, you JOKIN’!

I’m serious, yo— me fightin’ you would get STUPID messy—-
Kinda like me beatin’ up dat Magoo glasses bitch SALLY JESSE!

You no challenge for me, dogg— you just a ‘tarded boob—
Dumbass don’t even know tha cat in “Three Kings” was ICE CUBE!

No standin’ eight for you, chump— it’d be a straight up knockout—-
Turn off your lights quicker than last Friday’s BLACKOUT!

I’ll take on you AND your boy and STILL can’t go wrong-
Ain’t goin’ out to a punk from a Styx SONG!

Look at him, people— and realize he just blows—-
Watch me whip him very mucho, that Mr. Atom-O!

And how can I be scared of some foo’ named Azathoth?
Sheeeeeeeit— I’m more intimidated by DAVID HASSELHOFF!

Which is not at all, yo—‘cause he’s like pushin’ fifty—
Suckin’ his gut in every time dat homo’s on TEE VEE!

I’ll whoop all THREE of ya’ll, and I’d do it chilled easy—
Make your ass disappear just like CHANDRA LEVY!

So Mr. Promoter dude, make this happen, yo— it don’t matter—
Since Passive Man’s YELLAH, I’ll just move up tha LADDER!

And then I’ll spank these monkeys like I do my broke CD burner—
I’ll be tha Ike— ya know, like to their TINA TURNER!

Or maybe I won’t— it just don’t seem fair—-
Unless Christopher Reeves makes room for them in his freakin’ wheelCHAIR!

There’s no comp in this fed for The X-Factor Pete Trable—
But if there is, step up— while your sorry ass is still ABLE!

Word.

Al-Qaeda—
Free Porn—
Britney Spears Nude—-

Ya’ll trying to get more hits wit dat, yo—
Is just plain RUDE!

Don’t need to do dat, doggs— to gets a click on your site—
You gots a superstar, Pete Trable— and I’m a little bit—

(shifts shoulders, brushes the left one with his right hand)

OF AAAAAAAAH-IGHT!”

[Pete flashes yet another undecipherable gang sign. Somewhere, the 2nd Street West Side near the Fire Hydrant Rollin’ King Deuce Crips puts out a hit on Trable for “stealing” their tag.]

rant , , , , ,

Witness the awesome power of Atomo!

August 17th, 2003
Comments Off on Witness the awesome power of Atomo!

AtomoTron online
Run “Omega_Hack.exe”
Working.
Working..
Working…
Comm. system override successful
Load segment “Awesome_Might”

(Fade up on Farmer Reb Brown’s rather cramped, but surprisingly clean and well decorated upstairs bathroom. From the point of view of the camera mounted on Atomo’s head, we see Dr. Azathoth staring in the mirror thoughtfully and rubbing his chin. Atomo stands directly behind him.)

Dr. Azathoth: Maybe I should grow a goatee. Go for sort-of a Vincent Pricey thing.

Atomo: ATOMO-CONCURS.

Dr. A: Yes… I- Oh, the AtomoTron has turned on! Well, greeting to all of you simians out there. I’m sure all of you were awed both by my own performance, and that of Atomo, at the amusingly named and otherwise banal Basebrawl. That is what I wanted to speak to you all about today. Most of you are probably too imbecilic to understand the many nuances of what is to follow, but I press on in the hope that a small amount will penetrate your pathetically undersized brains. I have two points I wish to address today. Firstly…

(Dr. A is interrupted by the sound of a fridge door opening downstaris, followed by a stream of curses)

Farmer Brown: Whipped cream on a cow pie! Doc, I’ve done told ya before, if’n you’re gonna bring home take-out, then you have to eat it before it gets moldy!

Dr. A: How many times must I silence you before stay quiet for good, you irritating little worm?

FB: You know, now that I look at it, the pattern it’s grown into looks almost familiar; In fact, it almost looks like… What? What on earth? My God, I never expected something like this… there’s so many… legions… AIIIIEEE!

Dr. A: Ahem, as I was saying, I want to talk to you about Basebrawl. Firstly, Devolution. While I enjoy watching the great heels play mind games with the fans and wrestlers, I’m a little disappointed that you didn’t include Atomo, as “That which should not be”. But no matter, the OWTTM is not my primary objective, and I have no objection to it staying in your hands for as long as you can keep it there.

Atomo: QUERY-

(Farmer B. walks by the bathroom door and Atomo turns to look at him)

FB: Don’t pay me no mind, I was just going up to the attic to fetch a couple ‘o jars ‘o sulfuric acid. Y’all just go on ahead with your promo.

(We return to face the bathroom mirror)

Dr. A: Much more important then that is-

A: QUERY: GIVEN-THAT-ENTITY-

Dr. A: Silence machine! You will speak only when spoken to! As I was saying, a much more important matter is Atomo’s defeat at the hands of the Violent Pacifist. While you may have taken him by surprise once, I have taken the liberty of-

A: ERROR.

Dr. A: What?

A: ERROR: WHILE-THIS-UNIT-WAS-DISABLED-BY-THE-USE-OF-A-BASEBALL-BAT-IT-WAS-NOT-IN-FACT-WIELDED-BY-ENTITY: VIOLENT PACIFIST. THE-ENTITY-WHO-DISABLED-THIS-UNIT-IS-KNOWN-AS-BILLY POLAR.

Dr. A: You dare to contradict me!? Me, the very being who gave you life!?

A: THIS-UNIT-WOULD-NOT-PRESUME-TO-CRITICIZE-YOU. HOWEVER-A-SIMPLE-REVIEW-OF-THE-TAPPED-EVIDENCE-SHOULD-BE-ENOUGH-TO-CONVINCE-YOU-THAT-ENTITY: POLAR-WAS-RESPONSIBLE-FOR-THIS-UNIT’S-FAILURE. QUEUEING UP SEGMENT: BASEBRAWL, NTSC NO-

Dr. A: No no no! No one contradicts Dr. Azathoth! I am omnipotent, and anything I say is therefore the truth! Besides that, I have taken the time to upgrade you in a variety of ways to make you impervious to anything that Vice President could throw at you. I’m not letting all that work go to waste just because of some “hunch” you have about what happened!

A: BUT-

Dr. A: No “buts”! We’re continuing with the demonstration. As I was saying, Victory Parade may wield a bat with exceptional skill, but I have taken the liberty of upgrading Atomo’s “Getting-hit-in-the-head-with-a-bat” protocols. He is now impervious to any bludgeoning you can give him. Observe.

(Dr. Azathoth now hefts a baseball bat over his head, and wallops Atomo over the head with it as hard as he can. Atomo immediately collapses, cracking his head on the side of the sink as he goes down. Since the camera’s on his head, we get to spend the next couple of minutes staring at the dust bunnies under the sink.)

A: PAIN-LEVEL: HIGH.

Dr. A: To the untrained eye, it may seem as though Atomo has been disabled. However, he can turn even this situation to his advantage, with his patented “stealth mode”. Atomo, activate stealth mode!

A: STEALTH-MODE-ACTIVATED: I-AM-IN-PAIN I-AM-IN-PAIN I-AM-IN-PAIN.

Dr. A: This clever ruse will continue until his opponent approaches close enough. Then, HE STRIKES!

A: ATOMO-ACTIVATE!

(Atomo rises to his feet, knocking his head on the sink once again, and demonstrates his power by dramatically sweeping the toothpaste and ceramic toothbrush holder off the top of the sink.)

Dr. A:HAHAHA! But that is not all! I have also built in a variety of new offensive techniques, which Atomo will demonstrate by demolishing this chamber!

A: TARGET-AQUIRED: TOWEL-RACK.

(At this, Atomo removes the towel rack from its holder, dropping the towels on the floor, and proceeds to break it in half. He seems to have a little bit of trouble, even though it’s incredibly flimsy. In short order, Atomo proceeds to rip the shower curtain; dump a box of Q-tips on the floor, beat an electric razor against the side of the sink until it busts open; and break a plastic comb in half. For some reason he shouts “TARGET ACQUIRED” before each of these actions. As this carnage is going on, Farmer Brown walks back past the door.)

FB: Hi guys I was just going to get the- HOLY HELL’S HALFPIPE! What in the name of reason are you doing to my bathroom?! You know what, right now, I don’t even want to know. I’m just going to go get your Gamma Ray Emitter and take care of things downstairs. But I can tell you now we are going to have a long talk when I’m through.

(Farmer Brown stalks off as Atomo continues his rampage, culminating with him punching the mirror.)

Dr. A: So you see Victor Parsons-

A: VIOLENT-PACIFIST

Dr. A: I say his name is Victor Parsons, and what I say goes. Anyway Vector Potato, you now see that you are no match for our might! BWAHAHAHAHA!

(A violent explosion from downstairs punctuates Dr. Azathoth’s laugh as we fade to black.)

End Transmission

rant , , , , , , , ,

MMR1

August 13th, 2003
Comments Off on MMR1

[Pete Trable is back in his crib, wearing the same shit he had on yesterday. Or it could be the same day, tape delayed to today to make you think either a) He doesn’t change clothes. Or b) He shot both segments yesterday and didn’t want to overwhelm the viewer. Or c) All of the above]

Pete- “Yo, Massive Man— I didn’t diss you yesterday for a reason—
Don’t feel bad, dogg— it’s just that August 13th is officially DUCK SEASON!

Now, don’t you think I just called you a duck—
The letters “u-m-b-f” after the “d” was silent, I really meant DUMB FUCK!

Don’t think I forgot you, Massive Man of the First Rendition—
I felt like you ain’t as good as the others to deserve the original rap MENTION!

Until now, that is— I’m calling you out Passive Man—
Beat your ass like I own you, rip off your lid like you a CAN!

Then I’ll scrape out the potted meat, and spread you on a cracker—
Feed you to your buddy, that pansy ass Bitch SMACKER!

There ain’t NO WAY you can beat me, The X-FACTOR—
Your ass a Tonka Truck—- I’m a JOHN DEERE TRACTOR!

I’m mean really, yo— you no challenge, I got a body like Smackdown’s Stromboli—
You look like your parents was CHEESE AND MACARONI!

I got skills on skills, and more rhymes than Phillis Diller —
You got to waste at least two people to be labeled a SERIAL KILLER!

And that’s what I am, punkass— and I murdered with a smirk—
I’ve beat more dickheads than a CIRCLE JERK!

So let’s see what you got, don’t look like much from where I’m standin’—
I could beat you in seconds, without prior match PLANNIN’!

I could play it by ear, and still whoop your ass—
I could make you my house bitch, make you take out my TRASH!

And if your girl is longin’ to bust a nut, call me ‘cause I KNOW I’m able—
I’ve broke more hymens than the Dudley’s have TABLES!

That’s right, yo— I’m better and there ain’t nothing you can do—
Like Milli Vanilla says—- “GIRL, YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE!”

(thumps chest)

I’m AUDI, YO!

Give me an answer, and don’t be late—
Or I’ll just kick your ass harder—- ummmm, CAUSE I’M GREAT!

Yeeeeeeah, boy.”

[Pete then skips out of view, after flashing some tired looking gang signs and scowling at the camera]

rant , , , , ,

In Yo Face, Sucka

August 12th, 2003

[The scene is a ridiculously decorated bachelor pad, complete with stupid stuff “cool” guys would decorate a place in hopes of bedding chicks— lava lamp, fur covered sofa, end table that looks like a giant hand, framed picture of Einstein, another framed picture (this one of recently deceased Beatle George Harrison), a “spider” lamp, a weight bench, and a bust of Malcolm X (that looks as pasty as Casper for some reason) etc. Okay, so maybe these things won’t get you laid, but what else is a single dude going to furnish his pad with? Okay, let me rephrase that— a single dude WITH MONEY. Which is why you don’t see a milk crate serving as a coffee table.

Segue- In “George Jefferson-struts” a man that looks to be in his early 30’s, wearing SURPLUS baggie, faded jeans, a pair of tan Lugz boots, a Clippers jersey (which, since they haven’t changed their shitty logo in forever LOOKS like a throw-back) and an authentic L.L. Cool J Kangaroo cap pulled down to his eyebrows. Oh yeah, he also has a retro, big-ass Run DMC chain necklace, large enough to keep even a frothing Doberman in the yard, around his neck. The man looks weathered enough to have some gray hairs in his goatee— but following the lead of Kevin Nash and Goldberg, he has blackened them in with some Just for Men to look, perhaps, “younger” on television. He plops on the furry couch, and starts to speak in a forceful, gruff voice that sounds like he just smoked a whole pack of Malboros.]

PXT- “YO, YO, YO!
I’m gonna nip this in the bud, b’fo you get the CHANCE to call me a RIPOFF—
I was bustin’ rhymes and flowin’ lines back when Magnum T.A. wrestled NIKITA KOLOFF!

So don’t you fools even DARE say I’m that dude from the W-W-E—
He’s new school Eminem, and I’m ORIGINAL GANGSTA like ICE T!

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah, you know Ice T, tha dude from Body Count back in 92, that’s right—
That’s b’fo John Cena even wrestled as THE PROTOTYPE!

So if you wanna see the real deal, look right here at PETE TRABLE—
You’ve prob-ly already seen me, though— been on more mag covers than SABLE!

But if you haven’t, take a look, I’m takin’ over this PROMOTION—
I’m the King of Jungle, the biggest fish IN THA OCEAN!

Ya’ll think I’m scared of Billy POLAR?
Shit, his ass is grass, and I’m THA LAWN MOWER!

And who’s this fag, that hub snuffer named Steve Studnuts?
The only action that cat’s getting is from up in MEN’S BUTTS!

Word, and what about that chump— masked dope named Kamakaze Ken?
I’ll beat his ass once, then I’ll do it AGAIN!

Same thing with that fem-boy, that sissy Trey Vincent—
Dude looks like a chick, like that Titanic bitch KATE WINSLETT!

Then you got that penis breath reject named Seth Harker—
You’re the hoochie that flips the prices, and I’m BOB BARKER!

Then you got that breakfast named dude with no skills cause he blows—
I’ll squeeze Waffleman’s head so tight, he’ll scream LETGO MY EGGO!

Ya’ll ain’t got nothing on me, cause I’m PETE TRABLE—
And talent-wise— ya’ll public access, and I’m DIGITAL CABLE!

Just give me a match, you’ll see this ain’t no game I’m PLAYIN’—
I’ll dust your ass with Pledge, know wha I’m SAYIN’?

Word Life
Barney Fife
I just had sex—- WITH YOUR WIFE!

I’m Audi—- 5000!”

[“X Gonna Give It To Ya” by DMX starts to play in the background, Pete flashes a gang sign of some sort and then exits stage left]

rant , , , , , , , , ,