[Before we get started, I would like to introduce myself. I’m the Detached Narrator’s son, Shane and am filling in for him since he’s the head booker and no longer the narrator. I’ll shut up now. Pan interior of the Timothée Fuchineaux Rec Center in beautiful, downtown FrenchFreedom Camp, California. As the “talent” prepare themselves for yet another BOB house show, the camera cuts to the inside of the BOB executive offices. Billy Polar is the only one there. He’s wearing a suit and tie and is talking on a phone behind a desk. The nameplate reads: “Li’l BOSS, Executive Administrator”. I guess an updated nameplate wasn’t in the budget.]
BP: NO-hoooo, detective–what? Huh. Now I certainly don’t think that THAT’S very fair. Or constructive. Look, I already told you that I don’t know what you’re talking about! Festering WHO? No, I don’t want to come down to the station to talk about it. I’m a few states away, sorry. Look, I’ve faxed you all the literature. Those two “BOB wrestlers” you’re talking about aren’t even BOB wrestlers. In fact, I’ve never even heard of them before, I swear. Okay, yeah, and I will grant you that, but–yes. LISTEN, DAMMIT! And I will explain it to–oh, please! No way! NO. WAY. Okay, I can assure you that that’s completely ridiculous and absolutely unfounded. Call my lawyer? I AM a lawyer, buddy. Oh, now you’re just putting words in my mouth. No, YOU LISTEN! Just look at what you’re accusing us of! What? You–Now, if you’ll just review the insurance clause of our contract documentation, you can clearly see that nowhere is it listed that–My God, sir, I am trying my very best to remain calm, okay? Obviously, this is a very stressful conversation to have. What? Because I’m GUILTY?? No, I’m NOT fucking guilty! Goddamnit, those two smilies were a bunch of local jobbers from the local indy fed! We just told them to send two of their best. How were WE to know? OUR responsibility? What, someone goes crazy and starts killing people on our show and suddenly it’s OUR FAULT?! Please. Please. Don’t even–Oh, bullshit! Fry? FRY?? Why don’t you go down to the nearest Yum-Yums and watch them fry up some more doughnuts, you fucking pig? Yeah, why don’t you go fry someone WHO’S ACTUALLY COMMITTED A CRIME, if you wanna see someone fry! But, NO! You gotta harass us everyday joes who don’t wanna drive through town at less than 45 mph, or find it humorous to see what kind of mail their neighbors get, or like to take midnight constitutionals through parks but aren’t at all gay. Because that’s what our taxes PAY FOR!! GAWD!
[He then slams down the phone in anger.]
BP: Why did I ever agree to handle PR too? I mean, I like being in charge every now and often, but I think I picked the wrong day…. Damnit, BigBOSS, you better come back from your vacation soon. Where the hell is Incognito anyway? Chile?
[He then notices the camera pointed at him.]
BP: Oh, heh-heh. Are we on? Good. Welcome, BOB-itos. Have I got an announcement for you! JUST THREE WEEKS! Three. Weeks. Time. And man, I just can’t wait. We’re talking EPIC PROPORTIONS here. I’m getting the ol’ diarrhea-stomach just thinking about it. Uhm. Yeah. Think before you talk.
(rubbing his temples)
BP: THINK before you talk. Now, where was I? Oh yes, June the 24th. Mark that date on your calendars, fans, because THAT’S–the day Kangaroo Jack comes out on DVD. Oh yes. You heard right. So run to your computers! RUN to them! And pre-order your copy RIGHT NOW before they’re gone! Yeah, because I doubt they’re gonna burn TOO many copies….
[He then pulls out a pocket-sized notebook.]
BP: Welp, promotional work out of the way. Now what’s on the ol’ agendy?
[He is forcefully interrupted by a leggy blonde in a pink, candy-striped mini skirt/nurse’s outfit.]
BP: Well, well, well, if it isn’t my evil, impostor contractually obligated ex-girlfriend.
NH: What, Billy, I–it’s me. Long time, no see. What are you DOING? #snicker#
BP: What? Oh, for Chrissake, I AM NOT A MALE SECRETARY! Now, I don’t believe you. I know it’s you! The cat’s out of the bag, evil Heidi! You aren’t fooling ANYONE anymore. You’re through here. You’re DONE! And let’s face it, your act is just sad now. Why don’t you go back to your grammatically-challenged lover and go knit a throw-pillow with your roommate, his mom?
NH: What, no Billy, it’s really me. ME me. I’m back in BOB. I heard about my sister and, I fear, I am the only one strong and beautiful enough to end her evil reign of terror!
BP: Yeah right, you ugly wench! I’m not buying it! You thought you were real smooth, pulling one over on the great I, Billy Polar, Harvard-approved. Well, let me tell you something. I know Heidi like I know the palm of my hand! I love that woman inside and out and I can smell her a mile away! Her breath, that is. Yeah, it’s not the most pleasant smell, but to me, it’s the smell of love–a smell you will never know, you firm-assed, pouty-lipped, starry-eyed WHORE! With the perky breasts and the—
BP: –evil CUNT!
NH: Oh, Billy, you DO love me! I knew it!
[She then pulls Billy in a tight embrace and they make out for nearly two minutes.]
BP: Oh, Heidi, it IS you! I missed you so much! You have no idea what my life was like without you! Actually, it went by pretty much instantaneously, seeing as how I was in a state of suspended animation at the time. But it was an instant TOO MUCH as far as I’m concerned! Oh, you’re gonna have to kiss me again, please, or I’ll fire you. Executive power and all.
NH: Executive power, huh? I haven’t felt your executive power in a while now. Come here….and beat the crap out of him, X!
[Suddenly, Billy is railroaded by XXXtreme Machine who clubs him over the head with a laptop. He then inserts Billy’s hand underneath a stapler and slams the top down. Billy rolls away into a corner with his injured hand tucked between his legs as “Nurse Heidi” starts kicking his ass quite literally.]
NH: Ha ha ha! He’s SO stupid!
MS: My God, folks! What can this mean! Billy Polar has just been brutally attacked and injured by Nurse Heidi & XXXtreme Machine! How will he fare in his title match with a staple in his hand? This is a house show so why am I even here? All these questions and more will be answered at the next BOB pay-per-view, Send Us Money! Booked by Coma! Be there!