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Archive for June, 2003

What the Hell Happened?

June 18th, 2003

Massive Man Rendition First

(Inside the Mansion of Massiveness we find none other than the Arch Bishop of Joshitude Massive Man Rendition First and his JFer JC Long sitting around with Brandy Sniffers of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.)

MMR1: JC this is Bullshit man.

JC: I know man

MMR1: No you don’t, this is crap! I mean I had that sorry Joshitudeless freak Billy Polar pinned, and I got screwed again.

JC: Yeah I know what you mean. I got nailed by that inanimate SOB The AYOOYFM belt.

MMR1: Yeah but it wasn’t supposed to go down that way. I mean I am heel now. The first time Polar and I faced off for the Title, I got screwed. But then I was just a fresh faced kid who was the biggest face in the fed…well except for that one girl with downs man that chick has a big head.

JC: I know, but what a lay.

MMR1: What?

JC: Oh nothing.

MMR1: But now I’m heel, in fact I will go as far as to say I am the heelest heel around, and I still got screwed. How did it happen? I mean I’m the one with all the Joshitude I’m the one who’s supposed to be doing the screwing.

JC: Maybe Polar was just more heel than you.

MMR1: What did you say?

JC: you didn’t let me finish what I was gonna say was maybe Polar was just more heel than you…thought.

MMR1: Hmmm maybe you’re right but that does not excuse the fact that now I have lost my shot at the OWTTM’s.

JC: Yeah, I wonder who’s gonna be the new champ.

MMR1: HUH?

JC: You know now that JJ is fired and all we will have to crown a new champ.

MMR1: JJ got caned. This is great!

JC: Hey! I am down for being heel and all but do really have to kick a 3 year old when he’s down?

MMR1: Not JJ being fired. Now that the title is vacant. That means they will have to have some kind of match to see who will be the new champion. And since BP is the #1 contender that mean’s they will have to find a #2 contender. And they will have to look no futher than the Michael Jordan of Joshitude ME Massive Man Renditon First.

JC: Or they could set up some kind of bracket system to move through the ranks or they could have a Battle Royal or…..

MMR1: It doen’t matter, what ever it is I will win it and I will be the New ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS.

JC: And as God as my wittness I will beat the holy hell out of that Title to become the AYOOYFM hardcore champion.

MMR1: Great…you wanna go down to the gas station and get a free refil of our Joshitude.

JC: Sure.

MMR1: So hows your hunt to find some Long John followers coming.

JC: Not bad, Tommorows our first Rose ceremony.

MMR1: Cool.

(Fade 2 black)

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Hungry

June 12th, 2003
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Death

The opening sounds of Metallica’s “Four Horsemen” began playing in the Netherworld, where Death, Famine and War were hanging out. Pestilence was busy spreading monkeypox and SARS at the moment and couldn’t be bothered to join in this roleplay. Just so you don’t wonder.

“It sure has been a busy day,” Death said.

“I’m feeling pretty good, actually,” War said. “Can’t top that Iraq-US feud. They’re so easy to manipulate. I planted those weapons of mass destruction.”

They all had a good-hearted laugh.

“I sure am hungry,” Famine said. “We need a happier member of our group. You know. Like Food. Or Water. Or Jesus.”

“That sounds like a plan. Let’s go see how Jesus is doing.”

“Or choose your fate and DIE,” screamed out James Hetfield as we cut to somewhere else. Oh yehyeah!

That place? Heaven.

“Think we should use that song as our theme now?” Famine wondered.

“Why not? We can always threaten to kill them all if they object,” Death joked.

Another shared laugh. They banged on the gates of Heaven and waited for a reply. Eventually, a man in a white robe ventured over.

“Whasssssupppp?” the man asked.

“Ahh, no wonder I killed you,” Death said.

“We’re looking for Jesus. Jesus Christ. We’re rather starving,” War said. “And this guy isn’t helping us out.”

The fellow prayed. And got his answer. “Jesus says you can find all the food you need in Vain, England.”

“Never even heard of the place,” Death said. “Is that like Cloudydale?”

“Yep, the Lord made up those cities just for the sake of BOB.”

“That’s good. Alright, buddy, thanks.”

So now, the boys simply turned around and walked into England. They’re good like that. As they stepped out, a mob of people that had been drinking tea and eating fish and chips, ran.

“Ah, fish and chips. Thank God for Jesus,” Famine said.

Death disappears. Death reappears. “Done.”

A hostess approached the trio. “Can I help you?” she nervously asked.

“Yes,” Famine started. “A friend of ours sent us for food. Jesus.”

“Jesus Christ,” Death added.

“The Lord’s son,” War added.

“Oh, I’m sorry fellas, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave,” she said.

“Why not?” three of the REAL Four Horsement asked.

“You can’t use the Lord’s name in Vain.”

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I Have An Announcement To Make

June 10th, 2003
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[Before we get started, I would like to introduce myself. I’m the Detached Narrator’s son, Shane and am filling in for him since he’s the head booker and no longer the narrator. I’ll shut up now. Pan interior of the Timothée Fuchineaux Rec Center in beautiful, downtown FrenchFreedom Camp, California. As the “talent” prepare themselves for yet another BOB house show, the camera cuts to the inside of the BOB executive offices. Billy Polar is the only one there. He’s wearing a suit and tie and is talking on a phone behind a desk. The nameplate reads: “Li’l BOSS, Executive Administrator”. I guess an updated nameplate wasn’t in the budget.]

BP: NO-hoooo, detective–what? Huh. Now I certainly don’t think that THAT’S very fair. Or constructive. Look, I already told you that I don’t know what you’re talking about! Festering WHO? No, I don’t want to come down to the station to talk about it. I’m a few states away, sorry. Look, I’ve faxed you all the literature. Those two “BOB wrestlers” you’re talking about aren’t even BOB wrestlers. In fact, I’ve never even heard of them before, I swear. Okay, yeah, and I will grant you that, but–yes. LISTEN, DAMMIT! And I will explain it to–oh, please! No way! NO. WAY. Okay, I can assure you that that’s completely ridiculous and absolutely unfounded. Call my lawyer? I AM a lawyer, buddy. Oh, now you’re just putting words in my mouth. No, YOU LISTEN! Just look at what you’re accusing us of! What? You–Now, if you’ll just review the insurance clause of our contract documentation, you can clearly see that nowhere is it listed that–My God, sir, I am trying my very best to remain calm, okay? Obviously, this is a very stressful conversation to have. What? Because I’m GUILTY?? No, I’m NOT fucking guilty! Goddamnit, those two smilies were a bunch of local jobbers from the local indy fed! We just told them to send two of their best. How were WE to know? OUR responsibility? What, someone goes crazy and starts killing people on our show and suddenly it’s OUR FAULT?! Please. Please. Don’t even–Oh, bullshit! Fry? FRY?? Why don’t you go down to the nearest Yum-Yums and watch them fry up some more doughnuts, you fucking pig? Yeah, why don’t you go fry someone WHO’S ACTUALLY COMMITTED A CRIME, if you wanna see someone fry! But, NO! You gotta harass us everyday joes who don’t wanna drive through town at less than 45 mph, or find it humorous to see what kind of mail their neighbors get, or like to take midnight constitutionals through parks but aren’t at all gay. Because that’s what our taxes PAY FOR!! GAWD!

[He then slams down the phone in anger.]

BP: Why did I ever agree to handle PR too? I mean, I like being in charge every now and often, but I think I picked the wrong day…. Damnit, BigBOSS, you better come back from your vacation soon. Where the hell is Incognito anyway? Chile?

[He then notices the camera pointed at him.]

BP: Oh, heh-heh. Are we on? Good. Welcome, BOB-itos. Have I got an announcement for you! JUST THREE WEEKS! Three. Weeks. Time. And man, I just can’t wait. We’re talking EPIC PROPORTIONS here. I’m getting the ol’ diarrhea-stomach just thinking about it. Uhm. Yeah. Think before you talk.

(rubbing his temples)

BP: THINK before you talk. Now, where was I? Oh yes, June the 24th. Mark that date on your calendars, fans, because THAT’S–the day Kangaroo Jack comes out on DVD. Oh yes. You heard right. So run to your computers! RUN to them! And pre-order your copy RIGHT NOW before they’re gone! Yeah, because I doubt they’re gonna burn TOO many copies….

[He then pulls out a pocket-sized notebook.]

BP: Welp, promotional work out of the way. Now what’s on the ol’ agendy?

[He is forcefully interrupted by a leggy blonde in a pink, candy-striped mini skirt/nurse’s outfit.]

BP: Well, well, well, if it isn’t my evil, impostor contractually obligated ex-girlfriend.

NH: What, Billy, I–it’s me. Long time, no see. What are you DOING? #snicker#

BP: What? Oh, for Chrissake, I AM NOT A MALE SECRETARY! Now, I don’t believe you. I know it’s you! The cat’s out of the bag, evil Heidi! You aren’t fooling ANYONE anymore. You’re through here. You’re DONE! And let’s face it, your act is just sad now. Why don’t you go back to your grammatically-challenged lover and go knit a throw-pillow with your roommate, his mom?

NH: What, no Billy, it’s really me. ME me. I’m back in BOB. I heard about my sister and, I fear, I am the only one strong and beautiful enough to end her evil reign of terror!

BP: Yeah right, you ugly wench! I’m not buying it! You thought you were real smooth, pulling one over on the great I, Billy Polar, Harvard-approved. Well, let me tell you something. I know Heidi like I know the palm of my hand! I love that woman inside and out and I can smell her a mile away! Her breath, that is. Yeah, it’s not the most pleasant smell, but to me, it’s the smell of love–a smell you will never know, you firm-assed, pouty-lipped, starry-eyed WHORE! With the perky breasts and the—

(starts drooling)

BP: –evil CUNT!

NH: Oh, Billy, you DO love me! I knew it!

[She then pulls Billy in a tight embrace and they make out for nearly two minutes.]

BP: Oh, Heidi, it IS you! I missed you so much! You have no idea what my life was like without you! Actually, it went by pretty much instantaneously, seeing as how I was in a state of suspended animation at the time. But it was an instant TOO MUCH as far as I’m concerned! Oh, you’re gonna have to kiss me again, please, or I’ll fire you. Executive power and all.

NH: Executive power, huh? I haven’t felt your executive power in a while now. Come here….and beat the crap out of him, X!

[Suddenly, Billy is railroaded by XXXtreme Machine who clubs him over the head with a laptop. He then inserts Billy’s hand underneath a stapler and slams the top down. Billy rolls away into a corner with his injured hand tucked between his legs as “Nurse Heidi” starts kicking his ass quite literally.]

NH: Ha ha ha! He’s SO stupid!

MS: My God, folks! What can this mean! Billy Polar has just been brutally attacked and injured by Nurse Heidi & XXXtreme Machine! How will he fare in his title match with a staple in his hand? This is a house show so why am I even here? All these questions and more will be answered at the next BOB pay-per-view, Send Us Money! Booked by Coma! Be there!

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