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Archive for May, 2003

BOB owes us its soul.

May 10th, 2003
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Spaceduck

*open*

=<>: WHAT THE FUCK, BOB? YOU’RE STILL BREATHING? SPACECOP, I THOUGHT YOU SAID THAT YOU STABBED THIS PLACE IN THE FACE.

=C]: WELL, I WAS GOING TO, THEN I SAW THIS MAN WALKING BY AND I HAD TO STAB HIM. AND RAPE HIS CORPSE.

Spacecop

=<>: GREAT. NEVER GET A COP TO DO A DUCK’S JOB. HEY, BOB!

A Guy Named Bob: Huh?

*STAB!*

A Guy Named Bob: Ow!

=<>: SEE, WHY CAN’T BRAWLERS ON A BUDGET TAKE MR. BOB’S EXAMPLE AND JUST TAKE THE STABBING LIKE A MAN. OR… AT LEAST LIKE A CORPSE ABOUT TO BE RAPED BY SPACECOP.

=C]: YEAH.

=<>: IN OTHER NEWS, AS YOUR BOB TAG CONQUEROR CHAMPIONS… AND ME AS THE BOB D’OH CHAMPION… WE PRETTY MUCH OWN A COUPLE OF PEOPLE’S SOULS. WE HAVE COMPILED A LIST OF PEOPLE WHO WILL PROBABLY DIE BY OUR SMILEY NOSES… SINCE… YOU KNOW… WE DON’T HAVE FUCKING HANDS… SPACECOP, IF YOU WOULD?

=C]: THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE OWE US THEIR SOULS AND POSSIBLY THEIR ROTTING CORPSES FOR ME TO RAPE.

– TOTALLY FACE
– HARDCORE JJ
– TREY VINCENT
– SETH HARKER
– THE “ARE YOU OUT OF YOU– YOU KNOW WHAT? THE ENTIRE BOB ROSTER OWES US THEIR SOULS. NOW, COUGH THEM UP.

=C]: COME ON, NOW. WE WORK HARD TO BE AS OFFENSIVE AND MEAN-SPIRITED AS POSSIBLE, AND I THINK IT’S ONLY FAIR THAT WE COLLECT YOUR SOULS.

=C]: FINE. WE’LL JUST HAVE TO GO ON A STAB RAMPAGE. COME ON.

=<>: OKAY.

*close*

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Getting Back in the Game

May 3rd, 2003
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[Pan interior of the ol’ Herbie B. Jenkins barn in beautiful, downtown New Idria, California. Yes, it’s another BOB house show. Billy Polar is standing in front of a large oak tree talking to Dennis the sexual predator/British announcer.]

BP: Damn BOB scheduling committee! This place doesn’t even have access to a paved road! Geez. That’s the first warning sign of a bad turnout! BigBOSS is a MORON!

Dennis: Now, now, Billy. You con’t say that for a certainty. A bloke’s intelligence is subjective. Besides, I’m sure scores of fans will file in from out of town.

BP: HOW?? By helicopter? And where the hell are our dressing rooms anyway? We have to change behind these trees?? I gotta tellya, that’s not a good sign, Dennis. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think BOB was in trouble….

Dennis: Nevertheless, we WILL persevere, for we are sports-entertainers. It is our job to provide inspiration to our fans – and, as such, we must indeed press ever onward, am I right old chap? (he puts his hand out for a high five)

BP: (just stares at him angrily)

Dennis: Yes, quite. Well then, Billy, the office wants to know what your response is to Massive Man Rendition First’s challenge?

BP: Who?

Dennis: Josh.

BP: Oh, right, right. The Kent State Krew, right. Now, let’s see. Which one’s Josh again?

Dennis: Errr, the tall one with the beady eyes. He’s turned heel now, it seems.

BP: Ah. He must be the smart one, then. So what does he want? What’s the gist of his argument, Dennis? I don’t have time to review the tapes. Besides, this place doesn’t even have electricity!

Dennis: Well, basically he says that you’re gay and that he wants to fight you in a #1 contender’s match for the OWTTM.

BP: 1st contender’s match? DONE! I’ve defeated Josh embarrassingly every single time I wrestled him, so I can certainly do so again because I TOTALLY DESTROYED him!! I OWN HIS SOUL!!! But more than likely, I probably won’t have to fight him again. The bookers are lazy. They’ll probably just replay the first match and change the dates. Heh heh. Why not? I’m just gonna easily win again, and besides, cutting back on the cost of film would really help our company out in these financially trying times….

Dennis: Well, that just wouldn’t be fair, I’m afraid….

BP: So? I’m sure the fans won’t mind, so long as I, Billy Polar, keep winning. But as for that whole “You gay!” thing – I tell you, how many times do I have to defend my manhood? Im tired of all the gay-calling that goes on around here! Ah, look! It’s BOB’s foremost expert on gay-itude, Da Sassy Bitch. Now I can finally put this issue to rest once and for all. Hey, Sass-man! Over here.

DSB: Whutsh up, Billy?

BP: You know a lot of gay people, don’t you?

DSB: (looking uncomfortable) Uhm, well, not really. I might know one or two. Acquaintances, of course.

BP: Of course. Now, I want you to clarify something to the fans for me, so let me ask you this. Do I, Billy Polar, strike you as gay, Sassy? Am I gay?

DSB: Uh, well, generally, if you have to ASK someone, then you probably a–

BP: SHUT UP! You’re no help!! I am Billy Polar, dammit, and I don’t deserve this! (pointing to himself) NOT GAY OVER HERE!! In fact, I have stolen every single wrestling diva Josh has ever had his eye on, except J.C. Long. Heh heh. First there was Candy Cantaloupes in the STWF (if I’d’ve known about that whole genital herpes thing, I’d’ve let him have her), and then Nurse Heidi (as if that were difficult). Poor Josh. If I were him, I’d be extremely sexually frustrated, too. Oh, and hey Josh! Guess what? You know those newbies, the Groin-Punching Bitches? Yeah, I saw you macking on them the other day when you got stranded on the highway and they stopped and changed your tire for you. Heh heh. Wuss! Well, guess what? All three of them agreed to go out with me tonight for some reason.

Dennis: By jove, did you say “three”?

BP: Yeah, that’s right! I said it! I said “three”. (looking around at his environs) Uhhhhhhhh, I’m not sure what THEY have in mind to do around here on our date, but I guess we could all go chuck some rocks or something. Yeah. There’s lots of stuff to do around here, oh, but I can’t WAIT until night-time, yeah, because we’ll definitely be doing some “howling at the moon” if you know what I mean! Heh heh. You know what I mean, right?

Dennis: Yes, I believe we understand the euphemism.

BP: Just had to make sure. I’m the only one who’s been to Harvard, after all. It’s very easy for my wit to rise above the heads of my audience, what with I being me and all, of course, dammit. Sometimes – sometimes my genius is a curse, Dennis.

Dennis: That it is, I assure you.

BP: Hey Josh! Looks like you came in “Rendition 2nd” this time, old buddy! BWAAA-HAHAHAAAAA!!

Dennis: Yes. Well, good luck with the triple-date then, ay wot? I don’t seem to recall the Groin-Punching Bitches being all that sociable, but hey, I guess you must’ve gotten through to them. Good show, old boy! How do you do it? You must tell us all the details of your triple-date tomorrow! Omitting absolutely nothing!!

BP: Heh heh. Are you sure? You see, I don’t feel right about openly bragging, you know. I wouldn’t want to rub it in Josh’s face or anything….

Dennis: Uhh, right. I’m sure he won’t mind. So, tune in tomorrow, fans, and you will be treated to footage of-

[Fade out.]

Copyright 2003. BOB: We put the “fun” in refund.

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