BOB eWrestling | Rant Zone Archive!

(In an empty arena…did I say empty…I meant capacity filled, the big screen over the ramp goes blank (i think its called the BOBtron),then flashes with a bright white light, then goes blank again, then flashes, then blank, flashes, blank,flashes again, COULD SOME ONE FIX THAT PLEASE IT IS REALLY THROWING ME OFF! JESUS!, anyway, Willa Fords “I wanna be bad” fills the arena (Thank God something is.) and out walks the innovater or the “homosexual” cut down. MASSIVE MAN RENDITION FIRST ,and JC Long. They enter to very little heel heat (which is impressive given the size of the crowd)they enter the ring where Dennis is awaiting for an interview.)

Dennis: Mass…

(Rendition First grabs the mic, form Dennis.)

MMR1: First off I would like to take this moment to explain to you what the Detached Narrator meant by “homosexual” cut down. He did not mean that I am homosexual…

(Yes I did.)

MMR1: No he didn’t

(Yes I did)

MMR1: NO HE DIDN’T!

(YEA I DID!)

MMR1: Keep it up Narrator and you won’t be invited over to my house to play playstation 2 any more.

(Ohhh big loss..)

MMR1: And I just bought BMXXX…

(I apologize, your right I didn’t mean it.)

MMR1: As I was saying it just means that I come up with the greatest “gay” cracks.

(Dennis begins to giggle.)

Dennis: That’s what I hear about you.

MMR1: What?

Dennis: You always CUM up the greatest cracks.

MMR1: Dude grow up, thats not even what I said… Get some Joshitude…for real man! Yet again as I was saying…It means like when I say stuff like…Man Totally Face is sooo Gay! Or man I bet you Billy Polar really took all that time off not to recoup from a major injury but because he was having a lot of but sex with his cabana boy…

(JC Long and MMR1 high five and at that time Dennis grabs the mic back.)

Dennis: Well, that was immature.

MMR1: Whatever, you’re just jealous cause JC and I have the market cornered on Joshitude.

Dennis: How well you know me. Nevertheless you called me out here for a reason, so if you don’t mind telling me what it is…

MMR1: Well Denny JC Long has something he’d like to first.

JC: Thanks Rendition First, now first off. Massive Man here has told me that Not only am I the first Joshitude follower but I am by far the best so he has given me permission to have followers of my own. So I’d just like to give anyone out there an open call to become the first ever LONGJOHN follower, but be prepared to have to pass a few tests. Now Second I have for the last couple months have been waiting for a reply to my challenge. And now I am sick of waiting…AYOOYFM title I am calling you out for the last time! I want my title shot and if you are to scared to defend it then I’m just gonna have to take it.

Dennis: Are you for real? Did I just hear you correctly? You are calling out the Hardcore title.

JC: You’re damn right I am, its been along time coming but that belt is finally gonna get whats coming to him.

Dennis: Right, anything you’d like to say MMR1.

MMR1: Sure is!

(MMR1 grabs the mic for the second time.)

MMR1: Polar, you cheated me out of my first really OWTTM title shot then you left the business and I haven’t forgoten that! Now you’re back and complaining about not having a belt, well guess what? I got one…although I’m not entirly sure what it is called, but it does keep my coffee table from wobbling…

Dennis: I believe you are refering to the UP YO’ ASS SUCKA CHAMPIONSHIP.

MMR1: Yeah, whatever, anyway I am more than willing to put my prized title belt up against you. With on stipulation if I win I will once again get a OWTTM title shot…

Dennis: You are aware that the OWTTM is held my Hardcore JJ.

MMR1: You’re damn right I am frenchy. First I will take out Harvard boy , then I plan on taking down that little Bitch JJ for all those freakin’ JJ drops. You’ wouldn’t think but those things really hurt. Anyway what do you say Billy Boy, you wanna go one on one with the Rendition one…

Dennis: I think you mean first..

MMR1: First what??

Dennis: You said one, when you meant to say first.

MMR1: Dennis get out of my face before the man with the 20 gallon tub of Joshitude gets mad.

Dennis: What?

(JC holds up a 20 gallon tub with Joshitude written on it.)

Dennis: Oh!

MMR1: So to whom it may concern book the match cause Rendition first told ya too.

(JC and MMR1 begin to walk back up the ramp…when the bobtron goes blank, then flashes with a bright white light, then goes blank again, then flashes, then blank, flashes, blank,flashes again, As God as my witness someone has to fix that or I will go on a killing spree…excuse me….black out!)

Massive Man Rendition First rant AYOOYFM Title Belt, Billy Polar, Dennis, e-fed, ewrestling, Hardcore JJ, j.c. long, Massive Man Rendition First, parody

[Pan interior of the Wino Hill Arena in beautiful, downtown Hickox, Georgia where yet another BOB house show is taking place. The camera closes in on Dennis, everyone's favorite British interviewer. Suddenly he steals Clive's wallet and tries to run away. #snicker#]

Clive: What the HELL?? Damnit, Detached Narrator! Are you looking to get brutalized again!!

[Oh no! I'm sorry. I'll be good.]

Clive: Good. You BETTER behave yourself, ’cause we got an interview to do.

Dennis: I say, didn’t we just interview him yesterday, old bean?

Clive: Well, you know, the last one kind of got interrupted.

Dennis: So?

Clive: Well, the BigBOSS kind of wanted to know his opinion on the current state of BOB.

Dennis: Why?

Clive: What do you mean “why”? This is wrestling we’re talking about here. Oh, and whatever you do, DON’T mention Nurse Heidi, okay?

[The camera follows the loving pair to the men's locker room where Billy can be seen tying his wrestling boots. Hee hee.]

Clive: (angrily) Loving? PAIR?

BP: What are you two doing here?

Dennis: Oh, uh, hey Billy. How’re you feeling?

BP: Not so good. I’ve got a match with some jobber named Spacecop later, though. And beating up on newbies always cheers me up. Spacecop. Huh. Weird name. What’s this guy’s gimmick anyway?

Dennis: You don’t want to know.

BP: Yeah, you’re right. So what did you guys want to ask me about?

Dennis: Well, old chap. Have you caught up with the current happenings in BOB yet?

BP: Yeah. And I’m so confused. How could BOB have changed so much in less than one year?!

Dennis: Well–

BP: At the rate our cards were coming out, I mean. I’m STILL the big fish around here and I haven’t done anything for half a year!

Dennis: Oi. I hate to burst your bubble, ol’ boy, but you don’t even have a title.

BP: So?

Dennis: Well, that pretty much makes you just about the only one here who currently isn’t a champion. You and Scotty Whatbody.

BP: Excuse me? What the HELL are you talking about?

Dennis: Well, no one was getting over by interviewing, since they never interviewed. So the BigBOSS decided to give EVERYONE a title belt to defend.

BP: Oh, that makes….sense? And what about the iAd? It’s great to hear that they’re gone, huh? Heh heh.

Dennis: Ooh. Actually, Billy, they’re still very much in power. They’re our tag team champions, in fact! Well, they’ve won ONE of our tag team championships, that is…..You really haven’t watched any tapes at all, have you?

BP: Hey, dammit! If you’re smart enough to get into Harvard, you don’t NEED to do any homework! I’M BILLY POLAR, DAMMIT! So, at least I still have my Polarvizion show. I guess it’s up to me to put those iAd ignorami in their place.

Dennis: Uhm, actually–

BP: What do you mean, “uhm, actually”? I’VE BEEN TO HARVARD, DAMMIT! I WILL ALWAYS get the job done. Eventually. Upon occasion.

Dennis: Yeah, uh, you kind of lost your booking powers, too. In fact, booking control of BOB is now in the hands of a fat Japanese nationalist named BVD who walks around all day in only his underwear. For if I might say, it was he who won the upcoming March Mayhem, and did a jolly good job of doing so, might I add, defeating Khan in the finals and all.

BP: (shaking his head) I’ve never heard of either one of them! You gotta be kidding me. It’s like the whole BOB universe’s been turned upside down! Weird. The Twilight Zone’s got NOTHING on BOB. So you say he’s Japanese, huh? Beauty. I bet he’s heard of my greatness, then. I spent some of my fabled career there, you know. (pointing to himself) Greatest white luchador the world has ever known and junk. They LOVE me over there in Hello Kitty Land. I’m sure I can talk this guy into getting my own show back, no problem! Underwear, you say? Must be some kind of sumo thing. Heh. This’ll be easy. Sumo wrestlers LOVE karaoke!

Dennis: Well, old man, I’m afraid he can’t act until it’s official. The March Mayhem pay-per-view extravaganza has yet to reach its conclusion. BOB-time and all, I’m sorry to say, wot?

BP: Damn. I can’t stand waiting! I have to do something.

Dennis: Ooh. I’m glad you didn’t bring those two points to our attention during your job interview, or BOB may never have been graced with the pleasure of your presence.

BP: Listen, DAMMIT!! I don’t have time to listen to your British a$$ going off on irrelevant tangents all the damn time! THIS IS A FIVE-MINUTE INTERVIEW, DENNIS! If you’re not gonna talk about I, BILLY POLAR, late of THE Harvard College, then you’re not gonna talk! YOU HEAR ME?!

Dennis: Jove! Uhm, I apologize, old fellow, but, if I do recall, I WAS talking about you.

BP: Oh. Well. By all means, continue then.

Dennis: Brother. Oh, well, uhh, sooooooo—what’s your NEXT step here in BOB?

BP: Well, obviously the first thing I’ve gotta do is win a title. You know. To get a little bargaining power with the front office, so I won’t have to bargain with the BACK office, if you know what I mean. (elbowing Dennis in the ribs)

Dennis: Sorry. I’m afraid I–Ohhhhhhhh. Right. Right.

BP: Yeah, that’s how everybody ELSE gets their pushes in wrestling, but see, I’m Billy Polar. I get my pushes by WINNING MATCHES and also DEFEATING ALL MY OPPONENTS and things of that nature, so, uh, yeah. Obviously, this makes things harder for me, especially now since I’m starting again from scratch. But at least I don’t mean “harder” in that disgusting gay sexual way that everybody else around here seems to, if you get my picture.

Dennis: Yes, quite. However, I really don’t think your depiction of BOB’s politics is entirely accurate, rather–

BP: Oh, you wanna talk politics? (pointing to himself again) HARVARD POLY SCI, BABY! DAMMIT! The current political landscape in BOB is absolutely disgusting AND illegal. Always has been, but it just seems to have gotten WORSE since my absence. Most booking decisions seem to be based on who’s having sex with whom and whose wife is doing whose cousin’s uncle’s loan agent and the corruption just goes on and on and ON! And the sad thing is, this is generally true for ALL of wrestling as a whole. Don’t believe me? Skeptical, you say? Well, just take a look at who’s in power now, Dennis. For example, who’s the champion of BOB now, anyhow? Who’s the top dog?

Dennis: Uhm, well, let’s see, that would be Hardcore JJ, I believe, though he hasn’t been defending the belt lately due to his concurrent preschool commitments, but yes–

BP: That three-year-old?? SO not touching that one. Hmm, well let’s see then. Who’s the Swiss Army champ?

Dennis: Uhhhh, the Detached Narrator?

BP: Uhm. Yeah. Not only is he not a real WRESTLER, you see, he’s not even a real PERSON, Dennis. Wait. Damn. So then, how could he have slept with anybody?

[What, I have WAYS, damn it! Just ask Ashanti! I do TOO have a penis! Well, I do! SHUT UP!! I HATE YOU ALL!]

BP: Yeah, well, dammit. I just KNOW my theory’s sound. Those two are probably just random exceptions. It happens. Now, how about the AYOOYFM champion? I KNOW I’ll have a winner there! It’s Sarah, isn’t it?

Dennis: No.

BP: Kay Fabe?

Dennis: No.

BP: Da Sassy Bitch?

Dennis: Close, but no.

BP: Well, then, I give up. Who could it be?

Dennis: Actually, the current AYOOYFM is the actual AYOOYFM championship BELT.

BP: You mean to tell me the title’s VACANT?? Ho-ho-HO! Opportuni-TAY!!

Dennis: Sorry, old fellow, but I do believe you misheard me. The AYOOYFM title is not at all vacant. The actual AYOOYFM title holder is the AYOOYFM title belt itself! In fact, to date, it has become one of our longest reigning and most popular AYOOYFM champions EVER. It even has its own custom t-shirt. It reads: “BOB: Even our BELTS kick ass!” Just $47.95.

BP: (just standing there with his mouth wide open)

GBH the road agent: Duhhhh. Billy have he matchup thingie. Yurrr. Bell go ring. DING DING DING. HUR HUR! Yur.

BP: Thanks for the sound effects, GBH. Well, I’ve got another ignorant wannabe peon to embarrassingly defeat. See you later, Dennis.

["Mama Said Knock You Out" blares as Billy makes his way through the curtains and up the rampway to the cheers and jeers of the crowd. Suddenly, the entire audience stands up as one. Billy's expression changes from a superior sneer to a look of abject confusion as he stops walking and stares at the crowd. Suddenly, it dawns on him.....]

BP: OHMIGOD. It’s motherf[-bleep-]ing EASTER!!!! (his voice suddenly tinged with whiny undertones of fear) SONofa—— (almost crying) bitch?

[The air is filled with white, circular objects heading straight for Billy, who is crouching down in fetal position. Suddenly, the view is obstructed as an egg lands directly on the camera lens. Fade out.]

Clive: Wait a second. Where’s my wallet? DENNIS!!

Billy Polar rant AYOOYFM Title Belt, BigBOSS, Billy Polar, BVD, Da Sassy Bitch, Detached Narrator, e-fed, e-wrestling, Hardcore JJ, iAd, Kay Fabe, parody, Sarah "The Jobber Slayer", Spacecop, wrestling