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The Cloudydale Penguins

December 5th, 2002
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Sarah The Jobber Slayer

It was a dark and forboding night in Cloudydale. As usual. Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” was out on a stroll around town. The backyard rings were quiet tonight. Probably the giant snow storm. But snow never stopped Sarah from strolling. Jobbers never sleep. Except when they do. Usually when there’s not a BOB rant or show in progress.

Sarah trudged through the snow on the dark and forboding, cold and snowy night, through several inches of snow. Then, in the distance, she saw a human-like figure heading toward her. As she got closer, she discovered it was another woman out on a walk. Now, this being Cloudydale, a place crawling with jobbers….Sarah was quite suspcious.

As the two women slowly fought their way through the wind, snow and dark forboding of the night, their eyes met.

“Are you a j-j-j-jobber?” Sarah asked, her teeth chattering.

“What?”

“ARE YOU A JOBBER!”

“No!”

“YOU SURE?”

“YEAH. I’m just a valet. Of this jobber named Xamfir!”

“Z-Z-Z-Xamfir?” Sarah asked, wrapping her arms around herself in an attempt to get warm. “Did I miss some p-p-p-plot development?”

“APPARENTLY!”

“Hmm. Wanna get out of these wet clothes?”

“Oh God. Are you his lesbian friend?”

“Huh? No. I’m S-S-Sarah. And I’m highly regretting not wearing my heated p-p-panties tonight.”

“Sarah. The Jobber Slayer?”

“What? You know about me? Man, this secret identity thing just stops working once you get on TV.”

“I know everything that is, was and ever will be. And Sarah….”

“Yes?”

“Umm…sorry, I forgot my line…”

Sarah rolled her eyes. “Gee, you’d think with knowing everything that is, was and ever will be, you’d know your LINES!”

“No need to get snippy!”

“Yes there is! I’m cold. I don’t have a boyfriend. The BOB pay-per-view hasn’t aired yet. And my ex-boyfriend has gone insane, claiming that something bad is about to rise in BOB.”

“Oh, right. There is. A dark power is growing.” Putting on her deep, dark, scary voice, Jeannie spoke the words that touched Sarah to her very soul: “From sixty-four, down to one.”

“From….Little Good said the same thing. But what does it mean?”

Jeannie grabbed Sarah by both arms. “In terms you can understand: Serious badness.”

Suddenly, Jeannie and Sarah weren’t alone in the snow storm. There were four jobbers ready to strike. But not just ANY kind of jobbers.

Jobbers in penguin suits!

“The freaks come out at night,” Sarah said. “OK boys. We can do this the easy way, or…”

They all pulled out fluroscent bulbs wrapped in barbed wire.

“Ohhhhhhhhh-kay,” Sarah said. “A new backyard fed in town?”

“That’s right. The Super Deth Kill Backyard Wrestling Federation!” one of the penguins said.

“WE’RE HARDKORE!”

Sarah slowly reached into her long, trenchcoat pocket and pulled out a handful of banana peels.
WHIP. “Ahhhh! Get it off!!” one of the men cried. But WHIP, WHIP, WHIP! All four of the penguins had banana peels stuck to their faces! Sarah seized the opportunity as some kickass fight music piped on to kick, kick, kick and kick some more. Spin kick on the first man.

“Now, not only can you penguins not fly,” CRACK went his kneecap, “you can’t ever job again!”

But there were three more to deal with. Sarah evaded a barbed wire bulb, slipping on the snow in the process as Jeannie looked at her watch impatiently. Sarah slid around and leg swept one man and the rest fell over like bowling pins. Sarah grabbed a handful of snow and threw it at them.

“AHHH! I’M BLIND!” one of the men cried.

“Hey, you’re playing DIRTY,” one of the others complained.

“I’m a dirty girl,” she said from her fight stance.

And then she flew through the air, kicking him in the midsection.

“Just say no to,” CRACK. “Oopsie.” There went his kneecap.

Two left. They got up, one of the men still blinded by the snow in the eyes trick. The other one still had a frozen banana peel stuck to his nose. That had to be hurting his oxygen intake. His breathing. Yeah. Sarah was surrounded.

They charged.

She ducked down and extended her fists.

Groin shots.

Both men bent over in pain. Sarah hit a double Jobber Dropper, crushing their faces into the snow. Sarah quickly managed to go after their legs and CRACK, CRACK.

“Phew,” Sarah said wiping her brow with a snowy glove. “That warmed me right up.”

“Where did the jobbers go?” Jeannie asked.

“Once their legs are broken, they just, disappear.”

“Huh. Oh well. Well…none of this will matter after it all comes down to one.”

Sarah stared at her. Then she rolled her eyes. “Let me guess…”

TO BE CONTINUED…

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