Thou shalt not embarrass me
[Heaven. The east side. One of God's houses.]
GOD: Now, Death, your Lord thy God really shouldn’t have to keep calling thou up here like this is the principal’s office. But.
[God suddenly broke into hysterics.]
GOD: Your Lord thy God cannot believe that thou lost to Jean Bannister. TWICE! *Snort* BWAHAHAHAHA.
DEATH: It won’t happen again God. I promise.
GOD: That’s what you said about the Kennedy’s. First John. Then Robert. Then one by damn one. Don’t you know what TEDDY looks like yet?
DEATH: Umm…Listen, Teddy’s a great guy. We went out drinking. He dressed up as Tyrannosaurus Sex. It was all in good fun.
[Jesus walked into the room.]
GOD: MEDAMNIT. Will you wipe the blood from thou feet off the floor?
JESUS: Me! Sorry dad. Yea.
GOD: Don’t take that righteous tone with me!
JESUS: Oh, verily, verily, I say, why doesn’t thou just crucify me again?
GOD: How many times are thou going to throw THAT in my face? I made you a LEGEND! All that healing the sick and making food from thin air, if you hadn’t died, thou’d be just another magician.
DEATH: Listen, guys. Should I leave you alone? I don’t want to intrude here.
GOD: No, it’s fine. Son, go get the holy mop.
JESUS: Yes Dad.
GOD: Now, Death. Thou’ve been doing a good job, but I REALLY wish thou’d stop this stupid BOB crap. I mean, come on. They’re already in Hell. I don’t understand why thou want to go down into Satan’s pit.
[Satan suddenly materializes.]
GOD: MEDAMNIT. Didn’t I kick thou out of here!
SATAN: Are you badmouthing me again God? One of these days
GOD: Oh please. Thou hast been saying that for years now.
SATAN: Yeah, well…whatever. I’ve got more boy bands to go get signed.
GOD: YOU EVIL BASTARD.
[Satan flashed an evil smile and vanished.]
DEATH: So why did you call me up here again?
GOD: Your Lord they God just wanted to make sure thou art OK. We’ve got that new kid who looks pretty good if thou want to take some time off
DEATH: OH NO. This scythe is MINE!
GOD: It’s just…first the comedy thing. Now the wrestling thing. Isn’t killing thousands of people enough fun for thou?
DEATH: Of course it is God. But. I dunno. Don’t you ever wish you could just go in front of a cheering crowd…well, a small crowd of apathetic peopleand do your ‘work’ in front of the world? Well, OK, 10 viewers. But still…
GOD: Ahh, your Lord they God sees what this is. Thou are my hitman, but thou’re feeling like thou don’t get any credit. Well, does thou think I enjoy it when everyone BLAMES me for their deaths? Death, I’m writing the GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD. Granted, nobody can see it just yet, but in time, they will. Death, we’re all a team here. Just as Jesus takes the blame for everything, War starts trouble in the Middle East, Pestilence does his thing, and that other guy…what does he do again?
DEATH: I forget. Famine?
GOD: AH! YES. That’s it. We’re all a team. And I’m the Boss. But we’re a family. And remember Death. Don’t ever FUCK with the family. Comprende?
DEATH: Yes, God.
GOD: Now go whack those people I told thou to.
DEATH: OK.
[Death walked out of God's office. The secretary looked up and watched as the black shrouded figure left the office. She looked over at the Holy Ghost on the couch.]
SECRETARY: God will see you now.