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Finally, Kay Fabe, HAS COME BACK to the Rant Zone

August 13th, 2002
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[Backstage at some arena. Or maybe it’s in a school. Who knows? All we can see is a wall. And on that wall is a piece of white rectangular paper. And on the paper is written a name. The name of Kay Fabe. But this time, THE HOT ONE is standing in front of it. A Kay Fabe chant breaks out. She is standing next to a man with a pair of undies on his head. Why, it’s none other than Xamfir! Oops, did this bit already, it’s MEEEEEEAHHHHH!]

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: Well, Kay, the first question on everyone’s mind, is what’s going on inside of you?

[Kay, who is dressed up in a very low cut Laying The Carpet Down T-shirt and has her beautiful red hair down today, pulls her sunglasses down a touch to look MEEEEEEAHHHHH in the eyes.]

KF: Despite the rumors, Kay Fabe is NOT on the rag!

[Crowd pops!]

KF: Which means Kay Fabe is not REALLY pissed off, but Kay Fabe is still pissed.

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: No, I meant, INSIDE of you. With The Domino thing? It’s a character development point?

KF: Ah, the lesbian smells like your cooking. It smells like a skunk took a dump! That’s what Kay Fabe says about you and your character development. Look at you, with your little undies on your head. But fine, you want to know how Kay Fabe and The Domino are getting along. Kay Fabe says we have meshed. We are one. Kay Fabe had the wrestling talent but was boring. She needed an edge.

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: Then why didn’t you channel the spirit of an Edge parody? You know, like Side? You know, Baptist’s partner.

KF: An edge, not Edge you panflute playing, masturbating, never gonna be laying Kay!

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: NOOOOOO. That made no sense! All you do is rip off The Domino!

KF: Kay Fabe and The Domino are like a married couple, without any of the disgusting man parts. We are soul mates. Literally. He gave me an attitude. Kay Fabe has the sports entertaining ability. And together, Kay Fabe is going to the MAIN EVENT! Need proof jabronie? Just look at this upcoming NAGAM!

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: So what are your thoughts on fighting the Undietaker?

KF: Well, he walks around, trying to be like the Hot One, but he isn’t the Hot One and never will be the sexiest lesbian in parody sports entertainment today. He walks around with those two tall retards, trying to be a big shot, trying to be like Kay Fabe, but Undietaker, you will never. And Kay Fabe means EVER. Be more than a rooooody pooooo, candy ass! And you walk around with those handis, Kay Fabe wipes her ass with your handis. Booda, booda, booda, ah shut yer mouths jabronies!

[Crowd cheers.]

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: MRGH!

KF: Know your role and shut your hole, jabronie. All you care about is undies and stealing undies and taking over the world. Well let Kay Fabe tell you something. Get ready. Because your candy ass is NEXT. Jabronie, JUST BRING IT! (she says doing the gesture with her hand, palm up, pulling her fingers towards her body, opening and closing them with a chickish bad ass look on her face.)

KF: The Hot One doesn’t care about your troubles with the Real Undietaker, Fake Undietaker, New Undietaker, Dead Undietaker, Crusty Undietaker, BVD, DVD, DMD, MP3, Calvin Klein, or any of those Fruits of the Loom! Because, without a shadow of a doubt, Kay Fabe is going to walk down the lesbian’s aisle, walk up the lesbian’s steps, get in the lesbian’s ring, and proceed to lay the carpet down on your undie stealing, wheeling, dealing, Undiemobile riding, Chef Boyundie Ravioli and Undie-flaking eating ass!

Now you’re talking like you’re gonna steal the lesbian’s panties? There’s only one thing you’re gonna take from Kay Fabe. And that is the single WORST beating of your life! But the Hot One’s got news for you Undietaker. You will never. And KAY FABE MEANS NEVER, steal Kay Fabe’s bra.

[She pauses and looks around. She then licks her lips seductively. MEEEEEEAHHHHH gasps as his tongue hangs out. Crowd is popping like trained dogs.]

KF: Because, Undietaker, Kay Fabe does not, WEAR, a bra.

[MEEEEEEAHHHHH tips over. Kay Fabe looks down at him. She bends over, revealing a LOT of cleavage (did somebody get a little enhancement in her time away from the rant zone?) She picks up the mic and puts it to her lips and pauses.]

KF: If you weren’t unconscious MEEEEEEAHHHHH, no would hear, that THEY, are chanting HER name!

Crowd: Kay Fabe! Kay Fabe! Kay Fabe! Kay Fabe!

KF: To me, Undietaker, you are 300 plus pounds of crap in a five pound bag with a Mickey Mouse haircut. And it’s time to take out the trailer trash. So I’m gonna take you down Domino Rally Drive at the corner of Tip Over Avenue and we can stop into Domino’s Pizza and smell what Dominoes is cooking.

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: NOOOOO!

KF: So just bring it with the woman of a thousand catchphrases and T-shirts. Go one, on one, with the HOT ONE, and get your monkey ass made famous. Damnit MEEEEEEAHHHHH, are you looking at the lesbian’s pie?

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: Um, yeah (he says ashamed). Your skirt is so short, and, honestly Kay, I’ve never even looked at you this way before.

KF: Do you want to feel Kay’s Bottom?

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: Do I!

KF: Do you want to taste, The Lesbian’s Tongue?

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: Do I!

KF: That’s too bad jabronie. Get into a match with me.

[The crowd laughs. MEEEEEEAHHHHH runs down the hall, asking if anyone has any change so he can call the BigBOSS.]

KF: So Undietaker. You seem to like those handis of yours. So Kay Fabe’s gonna tell you what she’s gonna do. She’s gonna take those handis. Gonna dump a ton of KY Jelly on them. Make ’em nice and lubed. Then she’s gonna bend you over, and stick both of those handis right up your monkey ass!!!!!!!

[She inhales deeply.]

KF: IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLALALALALALALALALALALALA. AWHELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. LALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA. OWWWWWWW. What the lesbian…is cookin’.

[She drops the mic as “Queer” begins to blast and we pan the cheering crowd full of Kay Fabe signs.]

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Waiting for Kay Fabe to Come Back to the Rant Zone

August 13th, 2002
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[Backstage at some arena. Or maybe it’s in a school. Who knows? All we can see is a wall. And on that wall is a piece of white rectangular paper. And on the paper is written a name. The name of Kay Fabe. Then, a Kay Fabe chant breaks out. Then, a man with a pair of undies on his head walks into the shot. Why, it’s none other than Xamfir! Or is it? Let’s see!]

???: Hello everyone. My name is MEEEEEEAHHHHH! And I’m BOB’s newest undie-rviewer. MEEEEEEAHHHHH! Hey, ya think we can fix my name now that I’m not a mystery anymore?

[Eh. Fine.]

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: Ah, much better.

[Blow me Xamfir.]

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: Anyways. We are here today, backstage live in (he puts a hand over his mouth and mumbles something).

[Crowd POPS like crazy.]

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: And we are just moments away from interviewing the sexiest red-headed lesbian witch possibly possessed by a dead parody sports entertainer. Yeah. Or something like that. But, fans, STAY TUNED, because the HOT ONE will be back with me, right after this commercial break!

[Um, Xamfir?]

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: What?

[This is a promo. We don’t have commercial breaks.]

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: Oh. Right. Well, I, uh. OK.

[MEEEEEEAHHHHH pulls out a panflute and starts playing. Until Urine walks into the shot!]

Urine: What are you doing, uncle?

MEEEEEEAHHHHH: I’m not your uncle.

[Urine is in a yellow Uri-Nation T-shirt and has a Urine Still Pees bandana on his head. He now has bleached his evil black hair bright yellow.]

Urine: You know it really doesn’t matter if I’m your uncle or not, uncle, cuz you see uncle, I have stared Death in the face, uncle, and you know something uncle, it change my life uncle. So you see MEEEEEEAHHHHH, I’m gonna be battling Loony Lenny, uncle, and he’s in for the pissing contest of his life, uncle!

[Crowd pops. Except for the Urine-haters who want him to retire since he sucks so much.]

Urine: He showed me the dictionary. He installed spell check. And now, Uri-mania is running wild here in (he puts a hand over his mouth and mumbles something).

[Crowd pops again.]

Urine: We’re gonna stand out in front of, hopefully, a few hundred Uri-holics. I’m gonna be drinking my fluids and whistling a happy tune. So Loony Lenny, what ya gonna do uncle, when the Uri-Nation PEES all over you, uncle!

[Fade out.]

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So I have a chip in my brain?

August 9th, 2002
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Little Good: Damn, I forgot about that.

Doctor: Forgot about what?

LG: The CHIP in my BRAIN, doc.

Doctor: Oh, right. How do you suppose that got in there? A secret agency that wanted you to job for your entire career?

LG: Bloody hell, I don’t remember. Hmm. Let me try.

[He puts a hand to his chin and starts rubbing it. Nothing happens. So he rubs a little faster. The film gets a little wavy.]

LG: Stubborn today.

Doctor: I could prescribe that new Barbie drug.

LG: That drug isn’t even legal yet.

Doctor: Did I say it was?

LG: Bugger off you quack. You’re wrecking the moment.

[Little Good begins to rub his chin again, and the film gets all wavy and we have violin action too. Success! Without drugs! The scene shifts to some sort of party at The Little Brown Ring. Little Good has a bottle of brew in his hand and is eyeing some goodies on the buffet style table. Suddenly, Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” is there.]

STJS: Eat chips and be fat!

[Little Good was in mid-yawn as she slammed his face into a bowl of Lays. He began to hack and cough as chips began to clog up his air hole.]

STJS: And that is the only way you will be getting Lay-d by me.

[He was able to give himself the Heimlich maneuver and spit up the mushy orange goodness onto Xamfir, who timely enough, walked over.]

Xamfir: Hey! I just stole this shirt.

LG: CoughcoughHACK. What can I say bloke? I’m evil.

LG (Voice): Nope that wasn’t it.

[The scene shifts to Jeers. Here’s the set-up since this is only a flashback and this would make no sense at all out of context. Little Good had been talking to a fellow jobber at the bar by the name of Ruffle Man. He was dressed up like Superman, blue body suit and red shorts and a red cape. He said he had this gizmo that shot potato chips like one of those baseball pitching contraptions used in batting cages. Little Good asked to see how it worked. Thus we had this]

LG: Where should I stand?

RM: Oh, right there is fine.

[RM aimed the machine for Little Good’s chest and had it aimed perfect. Then he stood up and bumped the barrel unbeknownst to anybody but you that it was now aimed at Little Good’s mouth. He then looked for the switch. A cat entered the bar. He hit the switch. Then noticed the cat and began sneezing. He’s allergic to cats, y’know.]

LG: Hey (was his last mistake).

[THUCKTHUCKTHUCKTHUCKTHUCKTHUCKTHUCKTHUCKTHUCK. (Those are the chips entering his mouth and creating a collection.) Little Good’s eyes got wider by the second as chip after chip entered his mouth until his mouth was a bloated full collection of bits of chips. He couldn’t even close his mouth to chew.]

RM: ACHOOACHOOACHOOACHOOACHOOACHOO.

[Long story short, Little Good continued to be pelted in the face by the machine until he tripped and fell and hit his head. He later woke up in the hospital room. He saw a doctor with tweezers pull out a hunk of chip.]

Different Doctor: Hmm. I never ate lunch. So hungry. (He looked at the nurse.) Could you get me some dip?

Nurse: Right away doctor.

[She left the room.]

Diff. Doctor: What an idiot. Can’t believe she fell for that.

[The Different Doctor shoved the chip into his mouth and ate it. He then continued this procedure step by step until Little Good was able to chew the rest of his way out. The scene shifts back to the present time. To the first doctor’s office.]

LG: No, I still sucked then.

Doctor: Hmm. Well, according to the X-ray, it looked like a Dorito. Dorito. Dorito. Dorito. Dorito.

LG: Why are you repeating that?

Doctor: I was hoping it would send you into a spiral of memory recovery. Oops, forgot to play this.

[He puts on a tension-building memory recovery track and says Dorito over and over again. This time, it works, as Little Good flashes back to when he was a boy. A group of boys bet him he couldn’t stuff a bag of Doritos up his nose. So he tried to prove them wrong.]

LG: I say dear boy, you are indubitably wrong. I wager I can crammeth the entire contents of this container of chip artifacts in my nose.

[Little Good pulled out his trusty pushing straw as the boys gasped in a mixture of terror and appreciation. Little Good, then known as Little Excellency, pulled out a chip and held it up high for everyone to see. He then put the pointy projectile to his tiny nostril and proceeded to cram it up there.]

Boys: Cram it up, cram it up, WAAAAY up!

[Back to present day.]

Doctor: Ah-ha.

LG: And that’s why I suck to this day. I pushed that little bugger too far up into my brain. But for some reason, I can’t remember most of my life after that point until I started here in BOB. No loss I wager. Maybe some more stuff will come to me when I promo more often. Now doc, I want this chip out of my brain. Can you help me?

Doctor: I may be a doctor, but I’m no brain surgeon.

LG: Right, then recommend one to me. Because I don’t want to suck anymore. I need to fight Death soon.

Doctor: Death? I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you. You only have three weeks to live.

LG: What? Why?

Doctor: Cuz that’s when Death is gonna kill you.

LG: I’m gonna get this chip out of my brain. One way or another.

Doctor: Well, then, my only suggestion to you

LG: Yes?

Doctor: I would prescribe you get a straw, go outside and catch some ants, and then pretend like they’re sweet cocaine and hope they ONLY take the Dorito.

LG: Is that your professional opinion?

Doctor: (Looks at his watch.) Can you wait a minute? I have to go get my pay check.

LG: Bloody hell. I’ll go get the ants then. Cuz I’m evil. And I need to become the smart, evil man I once was if I ever hope to fight Death and win. But first, I’m gonna go shag Sarah once more. I’m gonna stop at the supermarket and buy her a dozen bananas. Who cares why she turned heel? Bollocks, as long as she keeps eating bananas, she can be all the heel or face she wants to be. I’ll keep popping for her.

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