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Archive for March, 2002

We are taking over….you know the drill…

March 27th, 2002
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Black screen.

[Caption comes on black screen in green letters.]

The iAd would like to congratulate Trey Vincent on his winning of the Hardcore Title in March Mayhem.

Merry sports entertainment to all you BOB idiots.

This is step one.

Soon, we will run this place until we run it out of business.

Think we’re kidding?

We don’t care what you think.

All we know is Trey Vincent has a shot at winning the BOB World Title.

And he doesn’t even have a contract here!

You are SO screwed.

You’ll have to bow down to the sports entertainment icon and realize he is the real deal, the main event player wherever he be at.

With Seth Harker and Steve Studnuts, BOB is gonna get its flabby ass kicked.

We are taking over.

And nobody in the iAd is gonna play by the rules. Think any of us are gonna do promos here?

Hell no.

Think people are going to earn shots against us? Hell no. We keep titles in the family. If it ain’t Trey, it’ll be Seth or Studs holding all the gold.

We are the glass ceiling.

And you are all minimum wage bitches and foreigners to us.

In case you don’t get it, we’re not joking around.

We’re not like you.

We are serious.

We are hardcore.

We are extreme.

We are egomaniacs.

We are sports entertainment.

We are taking over.

You know the drill.

Until we run this place….

Piss out.

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Death can take anybody!

March 21st, 2002
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Death had a simple message for every member of the Creighton basketball team. And he delivered the same speech to every member individually in the days following their loss:

“I’m a fair judge. People tend to think Death is unfair and those who die don’t deserve it. They curse God and wonder why. How can Death take children? How can Death take babies? How can Death take musicians, politicians? Same way Death can take a loser basketball player!” he said, pointing a skeletal digit at his future victim.

Typical reaction? Falling to knees and asking not be taken. Some peed their pants.

“Stop stealing Urine’s gimmick,” he’d say to those with bladder control issues.

“I warned you all that if you lost, I’d kill you all. And that scared you. It scared you so bad, you actually pulled an upset in double OT. You made Death smile. I haven’t smiled since Jim Morrison pressed some chick’s thigh way back in the ’60s or ’70s.”

Death usually banged the end of his scythe on the floor at this point.

“I forget when exactly. We did a lot of drugs back then. Yeah, me and Jim were good friends there for a spell. Just me, him and his cock.”

Death coughed.

Four people died of lung cancer.

Death sneezed.

A little boy died of pneumonia.

“Excuse me. Little dry in here.”

Death cleared his throat.

Fifteen people died of cancer.

“But I digress. You (he’d insert the player’s name here), failed to win the NCAA tournament, which I don’t care about. But you cost me the BOB Only World Title That Matters.”

Death scratches his knee. Four people died in car crashes.

“But since your team did better than I thought, I’ll let you live a little longer than if you’d gone out in round one. You won’t know when…”

Death scratches his crotch. Seven people die of AIDS.

“You won’t know where or why. But when Death calls, everyone picks up the phone.”

Death turned and headed back to work.

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Finally, The Domino, has come back…..

March 19th, 2002
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“I don’t get it,” Sarah tells Styles.

They’re sitting on a basketball court on the sideline. The place is deserted. Just them. Just a couple of lights on. If Styles were shady, he’d consider it ‘mood lighting’ and he might consider this a date, but he’s not. He holds a sacred position: Sarah’s commentator. And nothing could ever make him think otherwise. Plus, Sarah thinks Styles is old.

“Is The Domino dead? How did he possess Kay?”

“He must be dead. I bet the WWF had him killed, and now he’s returned from beyond the grave to carry out some sort of vengeance. But you shouldn’t worry,” Styles says.

“I never get the wiggins. He’s just a jobber. I slay jobbers. That’s my job. If Kay and I cross paths in the tournament, well, I’ll have to slay her. And hopefully after The Domino loses, he’ll leave Kay. You know, this is really starting to raise the annoy level. Ever since Kurt Cobain revealed Kay has the hots for me, there’s always something keeping us from talking. First it was Trey Vincent, now The Domino. It’s almost like somebody’s trying to draw out the inevitable.”

“Like thinking of an old, fat, ugly woman during sex. Or your dad.”

“Ewww. You think of my dad during sex?”

“Well….it helps.”

“In what way?”

“Let’s drop this.”

“Multiple please.”

*********************************************

Meanwhile, at Toys ‘R’ Us.

“Finally, The Domino HAS COME BACK…

To the action figure aisle.”

“Yeah. That was funny the last seven aisles,” Xamfir says.

“Shut up jabrony. Why are you still following around The Domino? The Domino is NOT signing an autograph for a little rudy poo, candy ass with a Mickey Mouse haircut,” Kay Fabe says.

Kay Fabe is in front of the WWF figures. She pulls off a The Rock(TM) figure.

“Where are the BOB action figures? Where is The Domino?”

“Did Mickey Mouse have hair,” Xamfir wonders.

“IT DOESN’T MATTER if Mickey Mouse had hair!”

“You are Kay Fabe. Did you bump your head or something.”

“No, she didn’t bump her head or any other part of her body.” Kay grabs her breasts. “Though it’s tough to tell here,” she says gently running her hands around her breasts.

Oh yeah, for the visually impaired, she’s still dressed in a black shirt with a red E on the front and black workout pants. Xamfir, meanwhile, is dressed like the Crocodile Hunter guy from TV.

“You know what I think Kay? I think you’re afraid to deal with Sarah one on one.”

“One, on one, with the great one?”

“Kay! Come back!”

“What in the blue hell are you talking about?” Kay throws the toy to the floor and heads to the next aisle.

“Finally, The Domino, HAS COME BACK, to the second action figure aisle.”

“Well, first off…The Domino was a heel when he left BOB.”

“Well, big piece of monkey crap, the fans made me their champion.”

Kay Fabe is on the move again, now heading to the video games.

“Finally, The Domino, HAS COME BACK…”

“To the video game aislek” Xamfir says, bored-like.

“Hey, this isn’t sing along with The Domino. ….to the video game area! It’s not an aisle, jabrony.”

“Kay, let’s go see Sarah. You two can talk.”

“Wait, are you telling The Domino that Sarah and Kay Fabe are a little….come ci, come ca?”

“Well, yeah? But you know that. You ARE Kay Fabe.”

“Kay Fabe is dead, monkey crap. The Domino has stolen her beautiful body to call home. And all women, especially Sarah, are invited in, any time, any place.”

“Fine, let’s go see her then.”

“Don’t tell The Domino what to do. The Domino tells you what to do. Why don’t you go play with your panflute, go steal some more Salvation Army clothes, know your role, and SHUT your mouth!”

*********************************************

“Finally, The Domino, HAS COME BACK…to this empty gymnasium.”

“Kay!” Sarah shouts.

“Yes?” Kay answers.

“Xamfir says she’s not Kay. I think she bumped her head,” Xamfir says.

“I’m Kay. What are you talking about Xamfir?”

“What?”

“I said I’m Kay.”

Everyone: “What?”

“Fine, The Domino is The Domino. Stop whatting me!”

“Knew it,” Styles says.

“I want Kay back,” Sarah demands.

“Why, so you two can get all naked and sweaty together?”

“Xamfir!” Sarah says, quite disgusted.

“Sorry,” Xamfir says. “Everyone was thinking it!” He puts his thumb in his mouth and sits down cross-legged.

“She’s my best friend. I’m not going to have sex with Kay Fabe. Besides, I know she’s not The Domino and is just pretending. Don’t you remember that last four-parter we did? If Kay was possessed, she couldn’t keep our world together.”

“She couldn’t? Why?” Kay asks.

“Because. She’s BOB’s guardian. We’re on the fault line between reality and fiction, and anytime BOB starts to fall into reality, she pulls it back. We haven’t been pulled since your ‘possession.’ meaning Kay, stop faking. Be Kay again.”

“Oh my God, wait,” Styles says. “If Kay believes she is The Domino, she can’t, as some would, change their gimmick. In Kay Fabe’s world, gimmicks don’t exist. We may have to take more drastic action.”

“Kay, I’m sorry,” Sarah says.

Suddenly, Sarah’s foot is in Kay’s face. Kay, unprepared for the kick, falls back and her head bounces off the court. Her world becomes….

Black.

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….At a house show???

March 15th, 2002
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[The house show arena is packed to capacity tonight. No doubt awaiting the most exciting man in sports entertainment today.]

R.J.: This is gonna be a knobberslocker here tonight in Texas!

The Prince: We want beavers!!

GBH: Yur.

R.J.: You may be wondering what The Prince and I are doing in this promo since we aren’t even part of BOB! But screw you fans! This is another pathetic heel turn on my part! Thanks BOB. Thanks a LOT! We are the house show crew!!! And since we have so many BOB house shows, we need multiple announcers!

The Prince: Yeah! Beavers!

GBH: Yur.

R.J.: And y’all know GBH.

GBH: Duh. Heehee.

Voice over:”IF YOU SMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLL… WHAT THE ROCK…IS COOKIN’…IT SMELLS LIKE CRAP COMPARED TO WHAT THE DOMINO IS STIRRIN’!”

R.J.: OH MY GOD! We haven’t heard that music in BOB in….well over two years! Ever since that whole lawsuit thing!

(A very familiar entrance theme plays as The Domino heads toward the ring. The only difference is, ‘The Domino’ is dubbed over ‘The Rock’ as one of the most blantant rip-offs in e-wrestling struts to the ring.)

GBH: Big chest.

TP: He’s right! That isn’t The Domino. It’s Kay Fabe! Whoo hoo! Beaver!

RJ: Well why in the hell is she coming out to his song? I thought they burned this tape!

Crowd: Domino! Domino! Domino!

[Kay struts down the aisle dressed in black workout pants and a black T-shirt that says Get E (the E is red, it’s not a drug reference, we don’t think, a clever way of saying Get Ready for the people who don’t understand subtlety) on the front and as she passes by the camera we see it says Yur Candy Ass is neXt!!! She’s also wearing sunglasses. Besides the fact that she’s pale as a ghost and has long red hair and boobs, she’s a spitting image of The Rock, er, The Domino.]

GBH: Yur. Candy. Ass. Heehee. Limbertail.

RJ: Hey! Don’t steal my material or I’ll whip you like a pet coon!

[Meanwhile, Kay Fabe gets up on the middle rope outside of the ring and holds up an invisible title, or perhaps she’s reaching for the stars. Who knows.

RJ: I’m gonna get to the bottom of this. The rock bottom!

[RJ leaves the broadcast booth (pffft, at a house show no less, GET IT?) and goes to the ring. He’s got a microphone and goes to The Domino to talk to him or Kay Fabe. Meanwhile, Kay Fabe is still smelling what the Texans are stirrin’.]

RJ: Kay, Kay!

[Kay no-sells her name, so…]

RJ: Domino, can I get a word?

Crowd: DOMINO! DOMINO! DOMINO! (Amazing they know about him, isn’t it? But he’s so over, not even hiding in Kay Fabe’s body can fool the fans of Texas! He is the fan’s champion after all!)

GBH: Domino. Duh. Rocky. Duh.

TP: Shut up.

[Kay Fabe gets down off the rope and gets into the ring. She looks around at the fans. She raises an eyebrow and runs a hand thru her long red hair. Then she starts to pace back and forth as RJ asks his question.]

RJ: Domino. I don’t know what the hell is going on here. Why are you in Kay Fabe’s body?

[RJ aims the mic toward The Domino. She stops pacing, then grabs the mic to a huge POP. Suddenly, RJ clutches his chest and is bleeding. Oh, that wasn’t a pop, it was a gun shot. Just barely audible over the huge ovation for The Domino.]

Crowd: DOMINO! DOMINO! DOMINO!

Domino: (She raises the mic and bends her head back.) Finally. The DOMINO, has come back….

Crowd: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY! We’re mindless idiots! YAAYYYYYYYYY.

[Kay raises an eyebrow as RJ falls to his knees. Clutching at his midsection.]

Domino: To…..BOB.

Crowd: YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! DOMINO! DOMINO! DOMINO! DOMINO!

Domino: RJ, you look hurt. Did somebody shoot you? (She puts the mic to RJ’s lips then quickly pulls it back) IT DOESN’T MATTER, if somebody shot you. The only thing that MATTERS, is that the Domino has come back to lay the smack down on all their

Domino/crowd: ROODY POO, candy asses!

TP: Man o man!

GBH: Red rum. Yur.

Domino: Let me answer your question with another question. What man wouldn’t want to be in Kay Fabe’s body?

[RJ tips over, begging for help.]

Crowd: YEEAAAHHHHH!

Domino: RJ, take your ass to the corner of Domino Rally Drive and Tip Over Avenue and stop into into Domino’s Pizza and smell what the Domino’s cooking.

TP: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Domino: I see all these little jabronys running around in BOB, trying to act like the great one, trying to act like The Domino. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. There is only one most exciting man in sports entertainment, and that’s The Domino!

[Crowd roars. Good God, that wasn’t the crowd….is there a bear in the audience!]

Domino: So the Domino says if you want your monkey ass made famous, anytime, anyplace jabronies. He’ll take his left boot. Step in some dog piss. Step in some dog crap. Step in Nurse Heidi’s panties. Turn that sumbtich sideways and stick it straight up your candy ass!

[Eyebrow goes up. A bear jumps the ‘guardrail’ thing and walks toward the ring.]

GBH: Boo boo. Yur.

TP: Uh oh. Here comes a bear, and I don’t think it wants a picnic basket! Ahhh!

[The bear gets in the ring, all the while, Kay/Domino is soaking up the crowd chanting his/her name. The bear slides under the bottom rope. The Domino notices the intruder.]

Domino: Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoa WHOA.

Bear: Ummmmm.

Domino: Who in the blue hell are you?

Bear: Roar. Roooooarrrr.

Domino: Well I got news for you Gentle Ben. Now you’ve stepped into the ring. But it’s not any old ring. This is the human’s ring.

Crowd: YAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY.

Domino: So listen up Smokey. I’m not gonna start any forest fires, but I am gonna whoop your monkey ass.

[The bear looks back toward his behind. Then he looks back at the Domino.]

Domino: You know you can’t go one….on one….with the great one. Because the Domino now has…..the people’s pie!

Crowd: YAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY.

Domino: Not to mention, the people’s cantaloupes!

Crowd: YAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY.

Domino: In front of the millions…..

Crowd: And MILLIONS!!!!

Domino: Of the Domino’s fans, live on BOB, Yogi, just bring it.

[Domino puts her hand out and tells the bear to bring it. You know the gesture. Palm up. Fingers coming back toward the palm of the hand like it’s trying to do a one-handed clap. Suddenly, another POP, POP goes and the bear falls over. The Domino looks down at the bear. Ah, so somebody was trying to shoot the bear and shot RJ. That explains everything. The Domino takes off the shades and looks at the crowd, wide-eyed.]

TP: We may be about to see the most exciting move in sports entertainment today.

Crowd: DOMINO, DOMINO, DOMINO!

[The Domino bounches off one side of the ring, then the other and delivers…]

TP: The People’s Shuffle! Domino makes the cover and hooks the leg.

Crowd: 1……2…….3!!!!YAAAYYYYYY.

[The Domino gets on the ropes and celebrates with the fans and we go to commercials.]

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Creighton wins in 2OT

March 15th, 2002
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CHICAGO (AP) — When in Chicago, give the ball to No. 23. Or die.

Creighton rode that simple strategy to stun fifth-seeded Florida 83-82 in double overtime Friday in a Midwest Regional opener on Terrell Taylor’s 3-pointer with 0.2 seconds left.

As the ball swished through the net for the last of his eight 3-pointers, Taylor — wearing Michael Jordan’s number — turned to the frenzied crowd with a look of steely confidence. He then pulled on one side of his jersey and pounded his chest as the Creighton fans roared.

“Before the game I watched a DVD of Michael Jordan. That inspired me a lot,” Taylor said. “I made a big deal of coming to the United Center and seeing the statue.”

As for sudden death?

“You damn right. If he hadn’t made that shot, I’d have killed him,” said Death, who is represented in the prestigious BOB OWTTM tournament by Creighton. “If he’d of missed that shot, I would have killed him and every other member of that team!”

Time ran out before Florida’s Udonis Haslem could get a desperation shot off. The Creighton players ran to midcourt as the buzzer sounded, bouncing up and down as they lifted Taylor up.

Taylor tied his career-high with 28 points, and Kyle Korver added 16 despite fouling out in the first overtime. After going 0-for-5 on 3-pointers in the first half, Taylor was 8-for-10 from long range the rest of the way.

It was the first NCAA victory since 1999 for the Bluejays (23-8), seeded 12th. Add in Missouri’s victory over Miami, and Tulsa’s upset of Marquette — both Thursday — and this is the first time three No. 12-seeded teams have won first-round games in the same NCAA tourney.

In 2000, Florida needed Mike Miller’s last-second basket to defeat 12th-seeded Butler 69-68, but wound up in the championship game, where the Gators lost to Michigan State.

But these aren’t the same Gators. Florida coach Billy Donovan questioned his players’ heart after a loss to Mississippi State in the SEC tournament quarterfinals last week, and the Gators didn’t have nearly the energy they needed against scrappy Creighton.

“We were fighting for our lives, literally,” Taylor said.

Haslem finished with 20 points, but all but six of them came in the last 10 minutes of regulation and two overtimes. Matt Bonner, who normally averages almost 16 points, had just 10.

And Brett Nelson, whose right eye was still puffy and discolored from the broken cheekbone he got in a practice fight with LaDarius Halton on Tuesday, was just 4-of-19 from the floor.

“Could be worse. He could be, I don’t know, DEAD,” Death said with a chuckle. “BWAHAHAHAHA.”

The Gators were sloppy, too. They turned the ball over 17 times and had several untimely miscues and fouls. The costliest might have come with 29 seconds left in the second overtime, when Orien Greene was called for a 5-second violation.

Creighton guard Ismael Caro got tangled up with Justin Hamilton with about 5 seconds left, and the ball squirted free. But it rolled out of bounds, and the Bluejays got it back, setting up Taylor’s dramatic shot.

So accurate from long range in the second half, he squared up again from just left of the key and let fly. The ball headed straight for the net and swished through as Taylor watched, crouching.

The Gators had no answer for Taylor, who kept Creighton in the game. Trailing 69-62 with 2:07 to play in regulation, Taylor made a pair of 3-pointers to force overtime.

Taylor had a chance to end the game with a jumper at the end of the first overtime, but he just missed. After Bonner converted a three-point play to give Florida an 82-78 lead with 45 seconds in the second OT, Taylor scored on a runner along the baseline, pulling Creighton within 82-80 with 35 seconds left.

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Digin a grave

March 13th, 2002
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[Urine is standing in front of a grave with a shovel. Hes digin in the dirt. He digs and throes. Digs and throes it in a pyle. Urine, the gr8 1 is real strong. NEthing he wants to do he can do and he will do. Just like now how hes diginup a grave up real good.]

U: Hey, looks whos grave im digin up 2nite. Look at the gravestone. XXXTreme Slut Bitch. Yep its XXXTereme aMachineas ded mom! Gess what Im gonna do to her. XM u r just jelous that I have less talent then u. Ur the past, im the furutre of jobbing. Ur just not xtreme enuff no more.

[Suddenly, Death arrives.]

U: Death? What da fuk u doin hear?

Death: I can go anywhere I want to. Are you telling me I can’t go to a graveyard? This is like my second home smelly boy.

U: Fuk u. Shut da fuk up bitch.

Death: If I wasn’t so pissed about the OWTTM rankings, I’d kill you. Instead, if my team loses, I’ll kill all of them. So you best expect some upsets.

U: Yeh, all I no is i get to pee on Sarah in round 1!

Death: Why are you yelling about Xxxtreme Machine then?

U: Cuz hes my bitch, bitch. Lik hes the onle 1 that can spell bad in BOb. Fuk that shit man. I can b worse than xm if i wana b. C?

Death: Your promos are becoming a joke, you know that, right?

U: Fuk off. U suk. Go kill sumbody so I can steel there body and pee on it.

Death: Is this entertainment.

U: Entertainment or Death? HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

U: Shut up, u all suk. I fuked ur momma up the ass!

Death: Who are you talking to?

U: The house show crowd bitch. Pay atention.

[Urine starts shoveling agan.]

U: Run to the forest, Death! Run to the forest!

Death: Whatever.

{Death winds up and hits Urine in the back of a head with a scythe, knocking Urine out.]

Death: I’m not part of the Uri-nation. And you ain’t gonna ever pee on Death.

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Motivational speech

March 12th, 2002
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Sarah is in the lockerroom of Kansas. The college basketball team. The group of men who will represent her in the BOB tournament. The men who hold her fate in their hands, arms and legs, her shot at the OWTTM. Life is so unfair sometimes, she is no doubt thinking to herself. She’s wearing a white Kansas Jayhawks jersey with a pair of tight white shorts.

“OK guys. You are in the big basketball tournament, sure. That’s great and all, but you all better realize there is something far more important than college basketball. BOB.”

The guys look at each other, confused.

“The company I wrestle for. Brawlers On a Budget. By some evil booker’s design, you represent me in the tourney. So our fates are linked. If I succeed, you succeed, if I succeed, you succeed. So we’ve got two choices here. One, we can bribe somebody. Or two, you boys can play your hearts out every night, also winning every night, and you’ll get a huge treat at the victory party.”

She looks around at all the players.

“Let’s face it, I’m a hottie. There is not one guy in this room who wouldn’t want to see me naked. I will make that dream come true for all of you. But for the MVP. If you even have one, since I don’t follow this sport at all. But for the MVP, after everyone sees me naked, I will give the MVP treatment in the bedroom.”

There is a reaction of excitement mixed with disbelief from the boys. Someone loudly says he’d be all up into that action.

“So yeah, fight for national recognition, that’s all good and stuff. But if you want a real prize, you’re looking at it.”

The boys roar and jump up and down.

“Now go out there and practice!”

The start to run out of the room.

“Be safe!”

The boys file out to practice on the court, leaving Sarah alone. She smiles. Then she looks at the camera.

“What? I’m a golddigger, I guess. But I love my Swiss Army Title. I want to OWTTM too! I deserve it. Anyone as pretty as me should have pretty gold things. Well, all I can say is go TEAM!”

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