Sarah: The Musical (Or: Once More, With Heroin)
**************Previously in Sarah’s promos:********************
“Hold on, hold on,” Little Good says. “Wait a bleeding minute. Why are you two Slayaholics sitting next to one of your biggest enemies?”
“I don’t know,” Kay says. “It’s just, we haven’t had much to do since the title win. With Sarah off on her ego trip, I’ve been forced to look back at myself in my pre-everything that makes me sexy phase. It sucks.”
“And I’m not even introduced yet,” Xamfir says. “But Little Good, we came here for a reason.”
“Are you two trying to turn heel? That’s so…..intriguing,” Little Good says.
[Cut to]
“I’m going to make a bigger mess of you than I did The Poltergeist,” Kay says.
“Why?” Sarah asks, walking to the ring.
“Because I’m nothing to you anymore.”
“Yes you are.”
“What, supporting material?”
Sarah gets in the ring. “Kay, you’re my best friend in the whole world. Ever since we first met way back in high school. I love you Kay. Just remember that as you crack my skull.”
She starts the swing.
And pauses.
Starts the swing.
And stops just short of Sarah’s forehead.
Kay and Sarah stare at each other.
Sarah grabs the stick and softly shoves it aside. Sarah approaches Kay slowly. Sarah takes off Kay’s witch hat and drops it on the canvas. Sarah runs a hand through Kay’s beautiful red hair.
“Oh, my,” Styles says, loosening his tie and trying to unbuckle his belt.
The girls look deep into each others eyes. Their lips inch and inch closer together.
[Cut to]
“I love them. I really do. But sometimes, they get so self-involved it’s not fair. There was this one time I accidentally hit both of them in the head with a chair. And they’re complaining about how much their head hurts, since I swing a mean chair. But, what about my pain? I felt so guilty about hitting them, but all they cared about were there lacerations and bumps on their head. I have feelings too!”
Sarah puts a hand to her eyes and begins whimpering.
###You bitch. OK, that does it. I’m so bringing out the big guns when I get back to my body. I’ve been saving a spell for you Little Miss Slayer person. A spell so unoriginal it may cost you a lawsuit of epic proportions. Oh yeah.###
**************End previousity********************
Kay sits in a sacred squared circle in a room lit only by candles.
“In the name of Elvis Presley. In the name of Jim Morrison. In the name of every Spinal Tap drummer. I command the Spirit of Rock N Roll appear before me!”
The candles all blow out.
Cue that promo theme music (Garbage’s “Temptation Waits”) and opening credits. This promos stars Sarah…..Kay Fabe…….Xamfir…..Styles…..and Kurt Cobain’s ghost as The Spirit of Rock N Roll.
Dark.
Kay Fabe turns on a light switch. Standing in front of the sacred squared circle is Kurt Cobain!
“Oh my God!” Kay gasps, as somewhere, Styles’ head explodes following the blatant catchphrase theft. “You’re the Spirit of Rock N Roll?”
“No. But I’ll do. Doing shit at 12:23 a.m., you take what you can get. I’m not ‘the’ spirit, but I’m ‘a’ spirit. Don’t I smell like teen spirit or something?”
Kay sniffs. “I guess so.”
“Man, death sucks. I wish I could kill myself…but where’m I gonna go?” he says with a shrug. “I gotta find a better way, a better way. I miss the comfort of being sad.”
“I smell a lawsuit. Courtney Love’s so gonna sue BOB for all this lyrical theft.”
“That bitch still alive? I figured she’d of died of terminal ugliness. Man, if I wasn’t so fucked up on heroin, I would’ve never married her. Ah well. All apologies. To me. So, why’d you bring me back from hell?”
“Well…since you always wrote songs, I want you to go around making people sing.”
“What, like that Buff-”
“No. Totally original. This will be groundbreaking promo, stuff. But I want you in your songs to reveal everyone’s dark secrets. Y’know, artsy.”
“The finest day I ever had was when I learned to cry I’m a man….what the hell’m I tryin’ to say?”
“I have no idea. Will you do it?”
“Whatever. That poser suicidal freak Eddie Vedder live around here? Like for him to meet my trusty shotgun.”
“No. I only want your spirit to make Sarah, Xamfir, Styles, me, and maybe Little Good sing.”
“I didn’t see Little Good in the credits. Maybe you can summon Sid Vicious for him, with them both being English and all.”
“Oh, OK. Well, we’ll see how this goes before we”
“Do you have any heroin?”
“What?!”
“Nothing. I was just mmm nnnnn mmm nnnnn.”
“Why are you mumbling? Isn’t that a living thing?”
“Man, you are one annoying bitch. I got the power of hell at my fingertips. I changed the landscape of music. I can’t let you smother me. I don’t regret a thing. Every angry teenager worshipped me and blasted my badly produced music. I became the biggest rock star in the world and it sucked! I hated myself and wanted to die! Yeeaaah yeah. Yeeaaaaahhhhhhh yeahhhh! YEAAAHHHH.”
“Sorry! Listen. It’s like your lyric says. Hate your enemies. Save your friends. Find your place. Speak the truth. That’s what this promo is all about.”
Kurt sighs. After all, he got his Leonard Cohen afterworld. “I haven’t written any new material for a long time, red. Hmm. Your hair color is kind of like the chunks of my head that had to be scraped off the wall. Fine. Let’s do this. I’m ready for the well, whatever, nevermind.”
*******************************************************************
Sarah is on patrol in the backyards of Cloudydale. But the rings are empty tonight. Even the houses are dark.
But suddenly, she has background music. Loud, punkish, rock music. It’s time to hear Sarah’s most deepest secrets revealed thru music….and Kurt Cobain.
I’ve got one nasty addiction
And this ain’t no work of fiction
It’s the attention of everyone I crave
It’s the reason I continue to slave
To the cheers of crowds everywhere I go
How far it’ll make me go, I don’t know
YEEEEAAHHHHH!!!
I’m the one who won’t job to anyone
The world needs only two things…
Heroin and a heroine!!!
Yeaahhh, yeahhhh
I can’t win forever, what happens then?
I’ll have to grab myself a pen
And write a suicide note for fun
Then blow out my brains with a gun
YEEEAAHHHH!!!
I’m the one who won’t job to anyone
The world needs heroin and a heroine!
*******************************************************************
“Thanks for coming,” Sarah says as the gang takes seats, per usual, in Sarah’s living room. “So, any jobbers to research?”
“No,” Styles says. “It’s rather odd. It’s like they’ve all, gone. There have been rumors about a jobber organization, or, clique forming.”
“In addition to BOB?” Sarah asks.
“No, within BOB.”
“Wow, hope they’ll all fit,” Xamfir says. He pulls out a hypodermic needle from his shirt pocket and uses it like a toothpick to dislodge a morsel of Chinese food. He licks it off the end and pokes his tongue in the process. “Oww.”
“Say, did anyone else…” Sarah starts.
“What?” Styles asks.
“Burst into song?”
In unison, everyone starts blabbering about their rage-filled outbursts to music. Of course, it’s all indecipherable. Until Styles asks what Sarah sang about.
“Oh, you know. Heroin. Suicide. The usual.”
“You usually think, er, sing about heroin?” Kay asks.
“Yeah.”
Kay raises her eyebrows. “OK.”
“What’d you sing about?”
“How I hate, uh, cows.”
Xamfir gasps. “You didn’t!”
“I did,” Kay responds. “I titled it ‘Milk It 2002.’ But it was an ironic title, because I ended up, well, that’s not important I guess,” she says using her index and middle finger to make a scissor cutting motion. Xamfir and Styles gasp.
“Well, I also called mine ‘Milk It 2002,’ but for a different reason. I like udders on a chick. So sexy.”
“Hmm. What about you Styles,” Sarah asks.
Some background noise. Then some pounding drums and bass join the mix. Styles jumps up onto the coffee table and then dives through the front window. Then he starts to scream.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God
Yeah, this is EXTREME!!!
I’m a shadow of what I used to be!!!
I’m a shadow of what I used to beeeeeeh!
I hate whoever’s writing meeeeee yeah!
Styles runs around to another window, charges, then jumps through the window. He’s a bloody mess and glass is everywhere.
Give me back my alcohol, give me back my alcohol
I’m more fun to listen to when you’re drunk, I know!
Oh my God, my characters is as stale as Mexican seafood
I’m about to have an aneurysm
Oh my gaw-hawd, this music sucks, yeeaahhhh!
I’m a shadow of what I used to be!!!
I’ll never be as good as Joey!!!
I should O.D. on heroin and kill myself-hah
A new song begins to play. Sarah grabs Styles and looks him in the eye.
I need you Styles, don’t kill yourself
If you kill yourself, I’ll kill myself
Man does my stomach hurt
This song’s over, I’m bored
Sarah heads to the door.
“Where are you going?” Kay asks, all worried-like.
“Somewhere not here.”
*******************************************************************
Kay follows Sarah. First stop: a hospital.
“What could she be doing?”
Kay follows about 20 feet behind. Sarah goes into a door marked DRUG ADDICTS KEEP OUT! Kay runs in after Sarah. In there, pills, liquids, powders, needles, condoms, a vending machine full of munchies. Sarah is at the check out counter of the drug store. She’s got a needle, one of those rubber things to get the veins up and heroin! What the hell kind of hospital is this?
“A profitable one,” Sarah says. She looks back at Kay. “What, we can have Kurt Cobain, but not an actual drug store? Please.”
Sarah heads out.
*******************************************************************
Next stop: the gun store. Kay gets horrified and screams out for Sarah. She runs to the door and runs inside. Shotguns. Uzis. Handguns. Bazookas. Cannons. Water guns. This store’s got it all. Sarah is paying already. Man, she moves fast. She’s buying a holster. No gun.
“Phew.”
“Gotta have a place for my bananas.”
*******************************************************************
Last stop: underneath a bridge. No tarp. No trapped animals. It’s all good. Except for the part where Kay pleads with Sarah not to do the heroin.
“Oh come on, this’ll be my last shot, pardon the pun.”
“Kurt! Get out of her! I didn’t bring you back so you could get high!”
“Whatever.”
“No. Take me. Sarah’s got a huge title match. I won’t let her die.” Kay seems shocked to hear that come out of her mouth.
“Really? Sure you don’t want me to sing you a song first?”
“No. This isn’t at all what I wanted. I wanted Sarah to reveal her fears. But she’s afraid of losing a match. It won’t happen for a long time, but still. I thought she’d reveal that she hates me and Xamfir. Then we could leave this sidekick B-team stuff and be stars.”
“Don’t you get it Kay? As long as you’re in BOB, none of you will be stars. I bet you’re just afraid…oh…I can find out actually.”
Kurt leaps from Sarah’s body to Kay’s.
“Man, I need a cigarette,” Sarah says. “That was good, whatever it was.”
Kurt eyes the heroin. He shoves Sarah to the ground and prepares her arm with the rubber thing.
“Kay!” Sarah says.
“What?” Kay/Kurt answers.
“Cobain! I should’ve known. Get out of my best friend’s body. She’s a lesbian! For God’s sake. Her body can’t handle that amount of heroin. It’d kill her!”
Music begins to play. For Kay.
I’d rather be dead than to not….
Have you!!!
I want to be your ice cream cone
Your all you can eat buffet
I want you to make me
Come as you are!
Can you feel my love buzz?
Suck my heart-shaped box
Drink my pennyroyal tea
RAPE ME!!!!!
Sarah’s jaw drops. Kay brings the needle to her vein. But Sarah demands Kurt take her body.
He does. Kurt uses Sarah’s body to pick up the needle.
“No!”
Kurt sighs.
“Take me. How can I live and work with Sarah after that. She must hate me.”
Kurt changes bodies again.
“Hey, I can take being in a heroin coma and STILL beat Billy Polar, trust me.”
Kurt changes bodies again. Kay makes an odd noise as Kurt exits this time.
“Wait. Do that again Kurt.”
Kurt sighs. He goes from Sarah back to Kay and then back to Sarah. Both girls moan during his exits and entrances.
“AGAIN!” both cry out.
“What? I’d like to have some heroin if you don’t mind!”
“Once more. PLEEEEASE? I bought all your records, which contributes to your kid’s college fund,” Kay says.
“AHHHH. Screw this.”
Kurt leaves Sarah’s body and walks down to a wino. He enters the man’s body and goes back toward the girls. He angrily pulls the rubber off of Kay’s arm and picks up the dirty needle. He inserts the needle into his arm, killing his host and once again freeing himself from this depressing world.
*******************************************************************
Well, it was SUPPOSED to be groundbreaking.
Good god, what happened?