Kay Fabe’s nightmare
Kay Fabe, the beautiful red-headed wiccan lesbian, is in a hospital bed. She’s staring up at her dark TV screen. There’s nothing worth watching on TV, apparently. Well, that, and the remote control for the room is missing. What are the odds?
Suddenly, her door opens and a group of men in black suits enter the room. All six men are wearing sunglasses and sport military type haircuts. They are all built, jakked, chiselled and muscley. The lead dog is holding restraints. Within seconds, the men surround her bed.
“What’s going on here? Who are you people?”
Kay’s legs are strapped to the bed.
Kay’s hands are strapped to the bed.
Her midsection is strapped to the bed.
Needless to say, Kay can’t move.
“Look, I’m really not in the mood for group sex right now.”
The men pause from their work and look down at her. Then they look at each other. They all shrug in unison, as if they’re psychically communicating.
“I mean, no bindings will hold me. I’m a witch after all.”
One of the men pulls out a needle. It goes into her neck.
“Well that was rude,” Kay says. Her eyes then shut and she’s unconscious.
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###Wow, it sure is dark here. Wonder where I am? Man, what a day this has been. I get punted like a football at HP, now I’m lost in the dark. This is so, crappy. Oh wait, there’s some light up there. Wonder what I’ll find once I get to it. This is so weird. I don’t remember this happening before. I wonder if I’m dead or something? I hope not. I’ll really miss my broomstick. Unless I’m going to Heaven, then maybe I’ll have all the broomsticks I can handle. But anyway. Let’s see what we’ve got here outside the darkness.
Oh no!
It’s Sarah! What the hell is she doing? This can’t be happening. This has to be a nightmare. Sarah, can you hear me? Sarah!!!! Please, don’t do this. I must be in hell. I must be dead and in hell right now. How can this be happening to me?###
Man: This is Bob Arnstein of B.A. Video, online at bavideo.com, offering the worst in shoot wrestling videos. Every wrestler who ever laced up boots is game, and today, we welcome one of the newest stars who no doubt has plenty of good stories to share. Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” of Brawlers On a Budget. Sarah, welcome.”
“Glad to be here Bob,” Sarah says with a smile. The Swiss Army Title is on her lap. Her legs are crossed. She’s wearing a black leather jacket over a black shirt, red leather pants and boots.
###This can’t happen. Sarah! They’ve taken Kay Fabe out of the equation. Man, if I wasn’t dead or unconscious and just projecting astrally, I’d so come down there and restore order to this interview. Be strong Sarah! Work. Work damnit!###
“Well, we’re taping this days, maybe weeks, before you will face Billy Polar.”
“Yeah, with BOB’s schedule, you just never know when events are gonna take place. But I’ve got other things to keep myself busy.”
###Gulp.###
“What are your thoughts on Billy Polar.”
“Well, he seems to have multiple problems. I mean, no one should be punished for accident of birth, but Billy looks too much like a wreck not to be. After me and Billy wrestle, and he loses his ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS to me, a girl, and people ask me why he lost, it’s very simple why. Stupidity. Anybody stupid enough to wrestle The Slayer, is asking for it.
“So, you’re equating wrestling with rape?” BA asks.
“What? No. Well. I know it sounded like that, but that’s not what I mean. He has the choice to enter the ring. But he doesn’t have a choice as far as the outcome goes. See it. Hurt it. Beat it. Clean up. That’s my philosophy.”
“I see.”
“Congratulations. But Billy, after I take that title, you’ll still have one thing nobody can take away from you. Inferiortiy. It matches your complexion. Just because he wasn’t born April 1, doesn’t mean he still can’t be the biggest fool in the federation. I mean, this guy’s so not able to perform that he has to use Viagra. The idiot couldn’t even take the pill right the other night so all he had was a stiff neck!”
“Well, that’s all well and good, but let’s find out more about the woman behind the gimmick.”
###GIMMICK!###
“Tell me about Buffy Anne Summers. Let the fans know how Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” was created.”
###Work, damnit, work!###
“Well, yeah, it’s a funny story actually. See, I thought I had come to a settlement with a certain group which shall remain nameless, *cough*MutantEnemy*cough*, since I had taped a bunch of promos prior to the season debut of ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer.’ You see, my real name is
###LALALALLALALALALALLALAALALALALA###
“Buffy Anne Summers. I was born with that name. I was born in Connecticut, but after I totally destroyed my previous high school, we had to move to Cloudydale. I got called by The Federation and accepted my destiny. I was the chosen one. I think the BOB viewers saw three of the originals, back when I was ME, but just recently, the lawyers again contacted me and threatened serious badness if I kept showing them. So I stopped, since I don’t have the time for courts ‘n’ stuff. See, the thing nobody wants me to reveal is that the so-called executive director of that show posed as principal of Cloudydale High School and then faked his own death so he could go create a show, based on MY life!
“Anyway, when that vampire show started, I was in the mood to fight for my right to be me. And I fought and fought, but I found out there are two things in this world you can’t fight and win. One is lawyers from Hollywood. And two is Hulk Hogan. I think the reasons are obvious in both cases. So, I changed my gimmick to pay them back. I became Sarah Michelle Gellar. Now, anyone who sees me knows I am not THE Sarah Michelle Gellar, but her name is my name just as my name is her name. It’s very fitting I think.”
“Fascinating.”
“My boobs? Yeah, they are, aren’t they.”
“So what other great things did we miss out on in the Buffy-era?”
“Oh, you missed the whole Buffy-Saint romance. You missed the debut of Little Good and his whore. You missed me fighting the Master and his identity being revealed. You missed Vic Venom posing as assistant principal and then using all my catchphrases and my friends catchphrases in the WWF. Oooh, and you missed my war with a so-called God. Granted I lost, but that was only because his orange skin and bald head was too distracting.”
“I see. I see. So, you’ve been in BOB. Tell me about all the politics that go on backstage.”
###I think my head just exploded.###
“You DO know where I work, right? Politics doesn’t exist without money. BOB is kind of like a fast-food restaurant. You’re working for really crappy pay and putting out a product with very little thought, you know, like a bunch of robots are running the place. Except our robots are alkies, thiefs and lazy bastards, making things all that much less predictable. But instead of giving a bag of greasy food to someone, we deliver a poorly produced TV-show. And I gotta tell ya. The wrestlers spit in our fans’ food. But not me. I give a damn about putting on a good show. In time, I’ll be rewarded. I’ll become, like, manager of the place. And if I have that World Title, well, that sure would help me bring the place up to health codes.”
###Alright, I can’t take any more of this. I’ve got to go, lay down, My head hurts. Man, I hope those guys didn’t engage with group sex with me. And if they did, did it cure me?###
“Now, there has been some tension of late in the gang with you, Kay and Xamfir. What do you really think about them?”
###Hmm. Things just got interesting.###
“I love them. I really do. But sometimes, they get so self-involved it’s not fair. There was this one time I accidentally hit both of them in the head with a chair. And they’re complaining about how much their head hurts, since I swing a mean chair. But, what about my pain? I felt so guilty about hitting them, but all they cared about were there lacerations and bumps on their head. I have feelings too!”
Sarah puts a hand to her eyes and begins whimpering.
###You bitch.###
“I’m sorry. This whole Billy Polar match has me upset. I can’t believe we have to go through with the formality of a match. Sarah always comes on top. Out on top, I mean. Man, those Froidian slips are more dangerous than my banana peels sometimes. Billy is so boring he can’t even entertain a doubt. Billy may not be the worst champion in theworld, but until a worse one comes along, he’ll do. I’ll never forget the first time I saw him wrestle. Although I keep trying.”
###OK, that does it. I’m so bringing out the big guns when I get back to my body. I’ve been saving a spell for you Little Miss Slayer person. A spell so unoriginal it may cost you a lawsuit of epic proportions. Oh yeah. Walking away from this light now and heading somewhere else. Yeah, it’s dark this way, and not very promo-friendly, but I need to find my body. I miss my body so much. I feel so nice. Here, me, me, me, me, me! Here, me, me, me, me! Where am I?!###
Well, what could Kay possibly conjure up? I sense something groundbreaking in the promo-industry. Stay tuned. Whatever it is, you can bet it will be something to sing about!