Life is all about Death, Urine and porno
“Death? Death? How in the hell am I going to wrestle Death!” Sarah asked Styles, hands outstretched.
Cue that promo theme music (Garbage’s “Temptation Waits”) and opening credits. This promos stars Sarah…..Kay Fabe…….Xamfir…..and Styles.
Dark.
We open up with Jenna Jameson staring at the camera, eyes full of hunger. She is on hands and knees. She is wearing only a black pair of pants, but the kind with suspenders attached. So the suspenders hide her sweet little
“Whoa, whoa. Can we focus on wrestling?” Sarah asks.
“Wait. This is the part where I put the entire Super Bowl trophy up her ass,” Xamfir says. “She didn’t think it would fit. But man, is there tons of room. Everywhere. I think she’s got enough room in her HEY NOW to fit my entire body. She’s like a sexual dimension or something. She is Planet Jenna, thus the title. Working title.”
“Oh my God! Her HEY NOW is like a clown car!”
Kay looks around at everyone. “OK, maybe I’m missing something. But why does everyone keep saying HEY NOW in reference to Jenna’s HEY NOW.”
“You just did it too,” Sarah says. “Can we please start this promo now?”
“Sure, what’s it about?” Xamfir asks.
“Death and Urine.”
“Two things you can count on in life. Death and Urine,” Xamfir says.
“OHHH. OHHHHH. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEAHHH,” Jenna says as the Super Bowl trophy splits the uprights. All eyes return back to the TV screen in Sarah’s living room. That’s where the promo is taking place.
“Look,” Sarah says. “I don’t ask for much from you guys, but we need to trash talk our opponents so we have a chance at winning. The BigBoss, LilBoss and NameLess Boss are all going to be playing with themselves. I don’t know if that’s a good or not for our chances in the six man. Maybe if…hey, can we bribe the bosses with porno stars?”
“What?” Kay asks. “There’s only one way to win a match. Having the intestinal fortitude. Having a huge heart, because the heart is the biggest organ in your body. It’s through getting a second wind and that adrenaline rush just when everyone thinks you’ve hit rock bottom. And if all that doesn’t work, I’ll summon a wrestler’s spirit and he’ll lead us to victory in my body.”
“Excuse me.” Styles heads to the bathroom.
“If we’re not careful, WE’LL be spirits. Hello, Death?”
The phone rings. Sarah goes to it.
“Hello?”
“You called?” Death answers.
Sarah slams the phone down.
There’s a knock at the door. Sarah groans, but goes to the door.
It’s Mr. E!
Mr. E picks up Sarah and throws her over her couch!
Everyone laughs. Because it’s so FUNNY!
Mr. E LAUGHS!
Kay Fabe LAUGHS!
Xamfir LAUGHS!
Jenna Jameson would laugh, but she’s too busy licking love juice off the Super Bowl trophy. And she’s on tape.
Sarah sits up and LAUGHS!
Styles, pants around his ankles, opens the bathroom door a crack. He CHUCKLES!
Sarah gets up. “I kick the ass of fools like you.”
With that, Sarah pulls a banana out from her waistline and puts the barrel of the 9 (inches) to his forehead. “Time to bust a cap.”
She drops the banana and leg sweeps Mr. E. She grabs his leg and
SNAP!!!
“A knee cap, that is.”
Sarah throws Mr. E out of her house.
“These fight scenes are so weak nowadays. What happened to us? We used to always get into cool fights with cool background music. Now I kick everyone’s ass in two seconds. Man, I’m ready for a good fight. Maybe Death is just what I need. I’ll kick Death’s ass. Kay, you take care of Urine. You did it before. And Xamfir, Little Good is yours. But leave some of peroxide boy for me.”
Styles flushes and comes out. “What about The Geek? He’s done something sacrijobberous.”
“The Geek is harmless. As a matter of fact, I think he’s kind of cute.”
“Wow, did it just get incredibly vomit-inducing in here?” Xamfir asks.
“Come on. It’s obvious what he’s up to. So The Geek, listen up and listen good. We are going to be together soon. In the ring. Your hands will get the chance to run all over my body. Why? Not because we’re going to wrestle. Screw that. You know I can kick your ass. But I need a good man whore. A slave to do my bidding.”
“Hello?” Xamfir says. “Open your eyes. Man whore, right here.”
“No, Xamfir, I want The Geek. I want him to take me into his arms, caress my back, my ass, my legs, my breasts, my face, ever so gently. And I want to run my tongue ever so lightly from his forehead down to his toes….and everywhere in between. So The Geek, you meet me in the ring at your earliest convenience. We’ll forget ALL about that silly little mistake you made. And believe me, I’m flattered. I know you’re in love with me. It’s OK. I have deep feelings for you as well. And I’d like to show you just how deep my feelings are.”
“Deep?” Kay asks.
“Deep,” Sarah says. “BYOB. Bring your own bananas. And I’ll show you things you’ve only dreamed about. And for one night, you can call me Sarah The Virginity Slayer. Now, onto business. Kay, set up the match. Focus on Urine.”
“OK,” Kay says. “Urine, I’ve already given you the thrashing of a lifetime. I beat you with my broomstick. I beat you until you were in a puddle of peepee. Though I guess you probably like that. But, you are evil. And good always overcomes evil.”
[Meanwhile, Urine, who ain't no genius, laughs at the lack of logic. Let's see:
A. Kay is a witch.
B. Kay is a lesbian.
C. Kay beats people with a broomstick.
D. Kay channels dead wrestlers.
Evil? Kay calling herself good is like Urine calling XXXtreme Machine a good typist.]
Xamfir must address Little Good next. And does.
“Well, we’re gonna hook up and you’re gonna learn that I put the fear in Xamfir!”
[Meanwhile, Little Good, if he were in this promo, and not just in brackets, would point out that his name is not spelled Xamfear, thus the only thing in his name is 'fir.' Which sounds like fur, which is like what Xamfir's mother's got in her special place, which Little Good likes to visit....quite often.]
Sarah’s turn.
“Death, you may not be a jobber. As a matter of fact, we’ve got a lot in common. People lay down for us everywhere we go. For me, it’s jobbers. For you, it’s dead humans.”
Kay chimes in: “It’s the immovable object against the unstoppable force!”
“Yeah,” Sarah says in her oh-so-unsubtle sarcastic way. “But I’m gonna take that scythe….shine it up real nice…..and while you’re waiting for me to stick it up your bony ass, I’ll whack your head off like I’m playing T-ball. And Death will lay down for me. I don’t lay down for ANYBODY.”
“Not even guys,” Kay says. “She’s waiting for The Geek.”
Sarah almost laughs, but, oh wait, she coughs. That wasn’t a laugh.
Or was it?
Hmm….
[Meanwhile, Death thinks of a good comeback. Death wants to call her gay or a fag, but for some reason, Death doesn't think that'll work against a chick. Death is no doubt thinking how women don't belong in a man's sport.]
Who will win in a fight between she who slays wrestlers and Death who slays everyone…..
Oh wait, it’s BOB. There’ll be a screw job.