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Billy Poler is gonna get his gay ass kiked

February 28th, 2002
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[Fade in on Urine sittin on a tore up couch in some abandoned house or sumthin. By his side are his usual ugly ass ho’s Slutty Sluttstein, the Jewish princess who looks like a mix of Rosy O’Donnell, Janet Reno and Roseann, and Crackwhore McCracken, who looks like a mixture of Briteny Spears, Christina Agulieriraia and Jennifer Anisnton, after gettin hit in the face with a baseball bat and set on fyre. Today, Urine is waring all yellow. His T-shirt sez: “I piss on you” and on the back it sez: “The world is my toilet……join the Uri-Nation!” The Jewish princess is holding a toilet brush, but thinks its a mic. She talks to the gr8 1, Urine, now!]

SS: So Urine, u r so hot. Can u fuk me?

Urine: Didnt you get enuff last night and five seconds before this promo started?

SS: No. Ur so hot!

U: I no. But Im here to talk about important stuff. The BOB tourmanent.

SS: Ur so gr8.

CM: What do u think about Billy Poler?

U: I think he suks! I think he should get on his knees and drink my pee! Im gonna kik his ass so bad he wont be able to tell the difrence from his ass and his face. That faggy gay homosexual ass licker flamer guy sucks. His breathe smells like ass!

SS: Ur so gr8. Lets fuk now!

U: Not yet bitch. I got sum more shit to say. Nobody thinks I can beat no 1. Mayb their write. Butt fuk them. All the members of the Uri-Nation are gonna open their mouths and drink my pee. And what you gonna do when I pee all over you Billy Poler! Now both u bitches spread ur legs and get ready 2 b my toilet!

[Urine farts in an ironic twist.]

U: How hot am I?

[Urine flexes his flabby arm and the girls moan in lust. They start chanting the gr8test 1’s name. Urine. Urine. Urine.]

U: When I want u and I will fuk all nite and Ill make you cum over and over and over again. Every1 in BOB is so boreing. Why the fuk am I hear? I shuld main event every show! U r all crap and I am gr8! I am more better looking and more sexier and more evrything than every1. My pee gives the bitches u4ea! Everyone hear is ugly. And if u formed a football team, it would SUK!

SS: I LOVE U URINE. CAN WE GO NOW AND HAVE SEX PLEASE. I WANT U. BAD. SO BAD.

U: Y r u yelling bitch, Im write here nex to u. U r so stupid sometimes it makes my hed hurt. So Ill see u Billy in the tourmanent and kik ur ass. And ur face. And ur back. And every inch of ur gay body! And all the fans will go nuts becuz Im so kool! UR GONNA LOSE BILLY. TO URINE. So shut up Billy. Shut up and DIE! Ur disgusting. Ur a jobrony. Suk my dik. Im gonna kik ur ass real bad since u suk so bad. And u smell. Bad! Real bad. So bad it hurts my nose to smell ur smelly body. Now get the camera out of here so us 3 can have a orgy.

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Just Chattin’ Away

February 28th, 2002
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(Scene opens in a chat room on the Internet entitled “Happenings in BOB”. VP is known as “violenceh8r”.)

violenceh8r ENTERS HAPPENINGS IN BOB

violenceh8r: Hey everyone, what’s going on?

Phil “the Jobber Slayer”: Just tellin’ everyone how Sarah is gonna kick everyone’s @ss in March Mayhem.

Brandonsgrl: There is no freakin’ way. The love of my life is totally taking the OWTTM.

violenceh8r: So what do you guys think about this Troy Vincent guy?

BPOLARRULEZ: He’s suppose to be this poison that’s gonna be injected into BOB’s, but he’s totaled gonna be destroyed by Billy Polar. He was totaled robbed of the title. BigBOSS has no clue to life about this federation. He can’t just do what he wants.

violenceh8r: Actually, he can because he owns this federation.

JCL2001: It really doesn’t matter what happens, because JC Long is going to win it all.

violenceh8r: Really? You think? How come?

JCL2001: Only because he’s the greatest wrestler of all time. Besides, who’s going to beat him? Billy Polar? Sarah “the Jobber Slayer”? The Kent State Krew? Maybe Luke Warm?

CHATROOMMONITOR HAS TOSSED JCL2001

BPOLARRULEZ: God, this is the third time today JC Long has been in here trying to convince people he has a shot at the title that so rightfully belongs to Billy Polar, because he went to Harvard DAMMIT!!!

Hardcore_geekdom ENTERS HAPPENINGS IN BOB

Hardcore_geekdom: What is up you pathetic losers? It is I the most hardcore of all the wrestlers in BOB’s federation.

violenceh8r: What about Sir Hungalot? He’s totally hardcore.

Brandonsgrl: LOL.

Hardcore_geekdom: Shut up you’re gay.

BPOLARRULEZ: Oh there’s a good comeback. Almost as good as the Geek’s match against that Steve the Dell guy. Man you’re wrestler sucks.

Hardcore_geekdom: Shut up fool. At least my guy doesn’t have to pay others to help him win matches.

violenceh8r:: Guys, you do realize that professional wrestling is predetermined and scripted right?

Phil “the Jobber Slayer”: Don’t make me come over there and kick your @ss h8r. Because I will.

Phil “the Jobber Slayer”: ***walks over to violenceh8r and begins to kick his @ss***

LRS21580 ENTERS HAPPENINGS IN BOB

LRS21580: A/S/L check, please everyone?

CHATROOMMONITOR HAS TOSSED LRS21580

Brandonsgrl: Some people. Just come into these
rooms looking to cyber.

violenceh8r: Sounds like the combined efforts of Sir Hungalot and the Geek.

Hardcore_geekdom: That’s it, here I come.

Hardcore_geekdom:

violenceh8r: Anywho, what do you guys think about the Three Guys coming back to BOB’s?

Phil “the Jobber Slayer”: Who cares? They are just trying to relive glory that is in the past. They’ll never be as good as Sarah. Or as hot.

violenceh8r: But they do have Candy Cantaloupes, and she’s quite the hottie.

Brandonsgrl: She has fake boobs. My God, it’s just like that Britney Spears.

violenceh8r: Isn’t she going out with Brandon?

Brandonsgrl: It’s not true, he has totally better taste than that.

violenceh8r: And last I heard Josh was banging Sarah around each and every night.

Phil “the Jobber Slayer”: You are a liar and you will pay dearly.

violenceh8r: And I thought I heard something about Billy Polar and the Geek getting caught in the shower playing a little drop the powder soap, because it takes longer to pick up.

BPOLARRULEZ: I’m gonna kill you h8r.

Hardcore_geekdom: No me first.

violenceh8r: And I just wanted to let you all know that Jim is the coolest member of the Kent State Krew, because he doesn’t have his own cat and he’s an original.

Brandonsgrl: Who?

violenceh8r: Jim. You know “Totally Packaged” Jim?

BPOLARRULEZ: Is he even in this federation?

violenceh8r: Oh, and the Violent Pacifist is going to win the OWTTM, because he’s the greatest wrestler ever.

BPOLARRULEZ: LOL

Hardcore_geekdom: LOL.

Brandonsgrl: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Phil “the Jobber Slayer”: Hehehehehehehehe

violenceh8r: And don’t forget losers, “three minus two is still better than you.”

violenceh8r LEAVES HAPPENINGS IN BOB

(Fade to black.)

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Sarah: The Musical (Or: Once More, With Heroin)

February 18th, 2002
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**************Previously in Sarah’s promos:********************

“Hold on, hold on,” Little Good says. “Wait a bleeding minute. Why are you two Slayaholics sitting next to one of your biggest enemies?”

“I don’t know,” Kay says. “It’s just, we haven’t had much to do since the title win. With Sarah off on her ego trip, I’ve been forced to look back at myself in my pre-everything that makes me sexy phase. It sucks.”

“And I’m not even introduced yet,” Xamfir says. “But Little Good, we came here for a reason.”

“Are you two trying to turn heel? That’s so…..intriguing,” Little Good says.

[Cut to]

“I’m going to make a bigger mess of you than I did The Poltergeist,” Kay says.

“Why?” Sarah asks, walking to the ring.

“Because I’m nothing to you anymore.”

“Yes you are.”

“What, supporting material?”

Sarah gets in the ring. “Kay, you’re my best friend in the whole world. Ever since we first met way back in high school. I love you Kay. Just remember that as you crack my skull.”

She starts the swing.

And pauses.

Starts the swing.

And stops just short of Sarah’s forehead.

Kay and Sarah stare at each other.

Sarah grabs the stick and softly shoves it aside. Sarah approaches Kay slowly. Sarah takes off Kay’s witch hat and drops it on the canvas. Sarah runs a hand through Kay’s beautiful red hair.

“Oh, my,” Styles says, loosening his tie and trying to unbuckle his belt.

The girls look deep into each others eyes. Their lips inch and inch closer together.

[Cut to]

“I love them. I really do. But sometimes, they get so self-involved it’s not fair. There was this one time I accidentally hit both of them in the head with a chair. And they’re complaining about how much their head hurts, since I swing a mean chair. But, what about my pain? I felt so guilty about hitting them, but all they cared about were there lacerations and bumps on their head. I have feelings too!”

Sarah puts a hand to her eyes and begins whimpering.

###You bitch. OK, that does it. I’m so bringing out the big guns when I get back to my body. I’ve been saving a spell for you Little Miss Slayer person. A spell so unoriginal it may cost you a lawsuit of epic proportions. Oh yeah.###

**************End previousity********************

Kay sits in a sacred squared circle in a room lit only by candles.

“In the name of Elvis Presley. In the name of Jim Morrison. In the name of every Spinal Tap drummer. I command the Spirit of Rock N Roll appear before me!”

The candles all blow out.

Cue that promo theme music (Garbage’s “Temptation Waits”) and opening credits. This promos stars Sarah…..Kay Fabe…….Xamfir…..Styles…..and Kurt Cobain’s ghost as The Spirit of Rock N Roll.

Dark.

Kay Fabe turns on a light switch. Standing in front of the sacred squared circle is Kurt Cobain!

“Oh my God!” Kay gasps, as somewhere, Styles’ head explodes following the blatant catchphrase theft. “You’re the Spirit of Rock N Roll?”

“No. But I’ll do. Doing shit at 12:23 a.m., you take what you can get. I’m not ‘the’ spirit, but I’m ‘a’ spirit. Don’t I smell like teen spirit or something?”

Kay sniffs. “I guess so.”

“Man, death sucks. I wish I could kill myself…but where’m I gonna go?” he says with a shrug. “I gotta find a better way, a better way. I miss the comfort of being sad.”

“I smell a lawsuit. Courtney Love’s so gonna sue BOB for all this lyrical theft.”

“That bitch still alive? I figured she’d of died of terminal ugliness. Man, if I wasn’t so fucked up on heroin, I would’ve never married her. Ah well. All apologies. To me. So, why’d you bring me back from hell?”

“Well…since you always wrote songs, I want you to go around making people sing.”

“What, like that Buff-”

“No. Totally original. This will be groundbreaking promo, stuff. But I want you in your songs to reveal everyone’s dark secrets. Y’know, artsy.”

“The finest day I ever had was when I learned to cry I’m a man….what the hell’m I tryin’ to say?”

“I have no idea. Will you do it?”

“Whatever. That poser suicidal freak Eddie Vedder live around here? Like for him to meet my trusty shotgun.”

“No. I only want your spirit to make Sarah, Xamfir, Styles, me, and maybe Little Good sing.”

“I didn’t see Little Good in the credits. Maybe you can summon Sid Vicious for him, with them both being English and all.”

“Oh, OK. Well, we’ll see how this goes before we”

“Do you have any heroin?”

“What?!”

“Nothing. I was just mmm nnnnn mmm nnnnn.”

“Why are you mumbling? Isn’t that a living thing?”

“Man, you are one annoying bitch. I got the power of hell at my fingertips. I changed the landscape of music. I can’t let you smother me. I don’t regret a thing. Every angry teenager worshipped me and blasted my badly produced music. I became the biggest rock star in the world and it sucked! I hated myself and wanted to die! Yeeaaah yeah. Yeeaaaaahhhhhhh yeahhhh! YEAAAHHHH.”

“Sorry! Listen. It’s like your lyric says. Hate your enemies. Save your friends. Find your place. Speak the truth. That’s what this promo is all about.”

Kurt sighs. After all, he got his Leonard Cohen afterworld. “I haven’t written any new material for a long time, red. Hmm. Your hair color is kind of like the chunks of my head that had to be scraped off the wall. Fine. Let’s do this. I’m ready for the well, whatever, nevermind.”

*******************************************************************

Sarah is on patrol in the backyards of Cloudydale. But the rings are empty tonight. Even the houses are dark.

But suddenly, she has background music. Loud, punkish, rock music. It’s time to hear Sarah’s most deepest secrets revealed thru music….and Kurt Cobain.

I’ve got one nasty addiction
And this ain’t no work of fiction
It’s the attention of everyone I crave
It’s the reason I continue to slave
To the cheers of crowds everywhere I go
How far it’ll make me go, I don’t know
YEEEEAAHHHHH!!!
I’m the one who won’t job to anyone
The world needs only two things…
Heroin and a heroine!!!
Yeaahhh, yeahhhh
I can’t win forever, what happens then?
I’ll have to grab myself a pen
And write a suicide note for fun
Then blow out my brains with a gun
YEEEAAHHHH!!!
I’m the one who won’t job to anyone
The world needs heroin and a heroine!

*******************************************************************

“Thanks for coming,” Sarah says as the gang takes seats, per usual, in Sarah’s living room. “So, any jobbers to research?”

“No,” Styles says. “It’s rather odd. It’s like they’ve all, gone. There have been rumors about a jobber organization, or, clique forming.”

“In addition to BOB?” Sarah asks.

“No, within BOB.”

“Wow, hope they’ll all fit,” Xamfir says. He pulls out a hypodermic needle from his shirt pocket and uses it like a toothpick to dislodge a morsel of Chinese food. He licks it off the end and pokes his tongue in the process. “Oww.”

“Say, did anyone else…” Sarah starts.

“What?” Styles asks.

“Burst into song?”

In unison, everyone starts blabbering about their rage-filled outbursts to music. Of course, it’s all indecipherable. Until Styles asks what Sarah sang about.

“Oh, you know. Heroin. Suicide. The usual.”

“You usually think, er, sing about heroin?” Kay asks.

“Yeah.”

Kay raises her eyebrows. “OK.”

“What’d you sing about?”

“How I hate, uh, cows.”

Xamfir gasps. “You didn’t!”

“I did,” Kay responds. “I titled it ‘Milk It 2002.’ But it was an ironic title, because I ended up, well, that’s not important I guess,” she says using her index and middle finger to make a scissor cutting motion. Xamfir and Styles gasp.

“Well, I also called mine ‘Milk It 2002,’ but for a different reason. I like udders on a chick. So sexy.”

“Hmm. What about you Styles,” Sarah asks.

Some background noise. Then some pounding drums and bass join the mix. Styles jumps up onto the coffee table and then dives through the front window. Then he starts to scream.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God
Yeah, this is EXTREME!!!
I’m a shadow of what I used to be!!!
I’m a shadow of what I used to beeeeeeh!
I hate whoever’s writing meeeeee yeah!

Styles runs around to another window, charges, then jumps through the window. He’s a bloody mess and glass is everywhere.

Give me back my alcohol, give me back my alcohol
I’m more fun to listen to when you’re drunk, I know!
Oh my God, my characters is as stale as Mexican seafood
I’m about to have an aneurysm
Oh my gaw-hawd, this music sucks, yeeaahhhh!
I’m a shadow of what I used to be!!!
I’ll never be as good as Joey!!!
I should O.D. on heroin and kill myself-hah

A new song begins to play. Sarah grabs Styles and looks him in the eye.

I need you Styles, don’t kill yourself
If you kill yourself, I’ll kill myself
Man does my stomach hurt
This song’s over, I’m bored

Sarah heads to the door.

“Where are you going?” Kay asks, all worried-like.

“Somewhere not here.”

*******************************************************************

Kay follows Sarah. First stop: a hospital.

“What could she be doing?”

Kay follows about 20 feet behind. Sarah goes into a door marked DRUG ADDICTS KEEP OUT! Kay runs in after Sarah. In there, pills, liquids, powders, needles, condoms, a vending machine full of munchies. Sarah is at the check out counter of the drug store. She’s got a needle, one of those rubber things to get the veins up and heroin! What the hell kind of hospital is this?

“A profitable one,” Sarah says. She looks back at Kay. “What, we can have Kurt Cobain, but not an actual drug store? Please.”

Sarah heads out.

*******************************************************************

Next stop: the gun store. Kay gets horrified and screams out for Sarah. She runs to the door and runs inside. Shotguns. Uzis. Handguns. Bazookas. Cannons. Water guns. This store’s got it all. Sarah is paying already. Man, she moves fast. She’s buying a holster. No gun.

“Phew.”

“Gotta have a place for my bananas.”

*******************************************************************

Last stop: underneath a bridge. No tarp. No trapped animals. It’s all good. Except for the part where Kay pleads with Sarah not to do the heroin.

“Oh come on, this’ll be my last shot, pardon the pun.”

“Kurt! Get out of her! I didn’t bring you back so you could get high!”

“Whatever.”

“No. Take me. Sarah’s got a huge title match. I won’t let her die.” Kay seems shocked to hear that come out of her mouth.

“Really? Sure you don’t want me to sing you a song first?”

“No. This isn’t at all what I wanted. I wanted Sarah to reveal her fears. But she’s afraid of losing a match. It won’t happen for a long time, but still. I thought she’d reveal that she hates me and Xamfir. Then we could leave this sidekick B-team stuff and be stars.”

“Don’t you get it Kay? As long as you’re in BOB, none of you will be stars. I bet you’re just afraid…oh…I can find out actually.”

Kurt leaps from Sarah’s body to Kay’s.

“Man, I need a cigarette,” Sarah says. “That was good, whatever it was.”

Kurt eyes the heroin. He shoves Sarah to the ground and prepares her arm with the rubber thing.

“Kay!” Sarah says.

“What?” Kay/Kurt answers.

“Cobain! I should’ve known. Get out of my best friend’s body. She’s a lesbian! For God’s sake. Her body can’t handle that amount of heroin. It’d kill her!”

Music begins to play. For Kay.

I’d rather be dead than to not….
Have you!!!
I want to be your ice cream cone
Your all you can eat buffet
I want you to make me
Come as you are!
Can you feel my love buzz?
Suck my heart-shaped box
Drink my pennyroyal tea
RAPE ME!!!!!

Sarah’s jaw drops. Kay brings the needle to her vein. But Sarah demands Kurt take her body.

He does. Kurt uses Sarah’s body to pick up the needle.

“No!”

Kurt sighs.

“Take me. How can I live and work with Sarah after that. She must hate me.”

Kurt changes bodies again.

“Hey, I can take being in a heroin coma and STILL beat Billy Polar, trust me.”

Kurt changes bodies again. Kay makes an odd noise as Kurt exits this time.

“Wait. Do that again Kurt.”

Kurt sighs. He goes from Sarah back to Kay and then back to Sarah. Both girls moan during his exits and entrances.

“AGAIN!” both cry out.

“What? I’d like to have some heroin if you don’t mind!”

“Once more. PLEEEEASE? I bought all your records, which contributes to your kid’s college fund,” Kay says.

“AHHHH. Screw this.”

Kurt leaves Sarah’s body and walks down to a wino. He enters the man’s body and goes back toward the girls. He angrily pulls the rubber off of Kay’s arm and picks up the dirty needle. He inserts the needle into his arm, killing his host and once again freeing himself from this depressing world.

*******************************************************************

Well, it was SUPPOSED to be groundbreaking.

Good god, what happened?

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Kay Fabe’s nightmare

February 15th, 2002
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Kay Fabe, the beautiful red-headed wiccan lesbian, is in a hospital bed. She’s staring up at her dark TV screen. There’s nothing worth watching on TV, apparently. Well, that, and the remote control for the room is missing. What are the odds?

Suddenly, her door opens and a group of men in black suits enter the room. All six men are wearing sunglasses and sport military type haircuts. They are all built, jakked, chiselled and muscley. The lead dog is holding restraints. Within seconds, the men surround her bed.

“What’s going on here? Who are you people?”

Kay’s legs are strapped to the bed.

Kay’s hands are strapped to the bed.

Her midsection is strapped to the bed.

Needless to say, Kay can’t move.

“Look, I’m really not in the mood for group sex right now.”

The men pause from their work and look down at her. Then they look at each other. They all shrug in unison, as if they’re psychically communicating.

“I mean, no bindings will hold me. I’m a witch after all.”

One of the men pulls out a needle. It goes into her neck.

“Well that was rude,” Kay says. Her eyes then shut and she’s unconscious.

******************************************************************

###Wow, it sure is dark here. Wonder where I am? Man, what a day this has been. I get punted like a football at HP, now I’m lost in the dark. This is so, crappy. Oh wait, there’s some light up there. Wonder what I’ll find once I get to it. This is so weird. I don’t remember this happening before. I wonder if I’m dead or something? I hope not. I’ll really miss my broomstick. Unless I’m going to Heaven, then maybe I’ll have all the broomsticks I can handle. But anyway. Let’s see what we’ve got here outside the darkness.

Oh no!

It’s Sarah! What the hell is she doing? This can’t be happening. This has to be a nightmare. Sarah, can you hear me? Sarah!!!! Please, don’t do this. I must be in hell. I must be dead and in hell right now. How can this be happening to me?###

Man: This is Bob Arnstein of B.A. Video, online at bavideo.com, offering the worst in shoot wrestling videos. Every wrestler who ever laced up boots is game, and today, we welcome one of the newest stars who no doubt has plenty of good stories to share. Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” of Brawlers On a Budget. Sarah, welcome.”

“Glad to be here Bob,” Sarah says with a smile. The Swiss Army Title is on her lap. Her legs are crossed. She’s wearing a black leather jacket over a black shirt, red leather pants and boots.

###This can’t happen. Sarah! They’ve taken Kay Fabe out of the equation. Man, if I wasn’t dead or unconscious and just projecting astrally, I’d so come down there and restore order to this interview. Be strong Sarah! Work. Work damnit!###

“Well, we’re taping this days, maybe weeks, before you will face Billy Polar.”

“Yeah, with BOB’s schedule, you just never know when events are gonna take place. But I’ve got other things to keep myself busy.”

###Gulp.###

“What are your thoughts on Billy Polar.”

“Well, he seems to have multiple problems. I mean, no one should be punished for accident of birth, but Billy looks too much like a wreck not to be. After me and Billy wrestle, and he loses his ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS to me, a girl, and people ask me why he lost, it’s very simple why. Stupidity. Anybody stupid enough to wrestle The Slayer, is asking for it.

“So, you’re equating wrestling with rape?” BA asks.

“What? No. Well. I know it sounded like that, but that’s not what I mean. He has the choice to enter the ring. But he doesn’t have a choice as far as the outcome goes. See it. Hurt it. Beat it. Clean up. That’s my philosophy.”

“I see.”

“Congratulations. But Billy, after I take that title, you’ll still have one thing nobody can take away from you. Inferiortiy. It matches your complexion. Just because he wasn’t born April 1, doesn’t mean he still can’t be the biggest fool in the federation. I mean, this guy’s so not able to perform that he has to use Viagra. The idiot couldn’t even take the pill right the other night so all he had was a stiff neck!”

“Well, that’s all well and good, but let’s find out more about the woman behind the gimmick.”

###GIMMICK!###

“Tell me about Buffy Anne Summers. Let the fans know how Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” was created.”

###Work, damnit, work!###

“Well, yeah, it’s a funny story actually. See, I thought I had come to a settlement with a certain group which shall remain nameless, *cough*MutantEnemy*cough*, since I had taped a bunch of promos prior to the season debut of ‘Buffy The Vampire Slayer.’ You see, my real name is

###LALALALLALALALALALLALAALALALALA###

“Buffy Anne Summers. I was born with that name. I was born in Connecticut, but after I totally destroyed my previous high school, we had to move to Cloudydale. I got called by The Federation and accepted my destiny. I was the chosen one. I think the BOB viewers saw three of the originals, back when I was ME, but just recently, the lawyers again contacted me and threatened serious badness if I kept showing them. So I stopped, since I don’t have the time for courts ‘n’ stuff. See, the thing nobody wants me to reveal is that the so-called executive director of that show posed as principal of Cloudydale High School and then faked his own death so he could go create a show, based on MY life!

“Anyway, when that vampire show started, I was in the mood to fight for my right to be me. And I fought and fought, but I found out there are two things in this world you can’t fight and win. One is lawyers from Hollywood. And two is Hulk Hogan. I think the reasons are obvious in both cases. So, I changed my gimmick to pay them back. I became Sarah Michelle Gellar. Now, anyone who sees me knows I am not THE Sarah Michelle Gellar, but her name is my name just as my name is her name. It’s very fitting I think.”

“Fascinating.”

“My boobs? Yeah, they are, aren’t they.”

“So what other great things did we miss out on in the Buffy-era?”

“Oh, you missed the whole Buffy-Saint romance. You missed the debut of Little Good and his whore. You missed me fighting the Master and his identity being revealed. You missed Vic Venom posing as assistant principal and then using all my catchphrases and my friends catchphrases in the WWF. Oooh, and you missed my war with a so-called God. Granted I lost, but that was only because his orange skin and bald head was too distracting.”

“I see. I see. So, you’ve been in BOB. Tell me about all the politics that go on backstage.”

###I think my head just exploded.###

“You DO know where I work, right? Politics doesn’t exist without money. BOB is kind of like a fast-food restaurant. You’re working for really crappy pay and putting out a product with very little thought, you know, like a bunch of robots are running the place. Except our robots are alkies, thiefs and lazy bastards, making things all that much less predictable. But instead of giving a bag of greasy food to someone, we deliver a poorly produced TV-show. And I gotta tell ya. The wrestlers spit in our fans’ food. But not me. I give a damn about putting on a good show. In time, I’ll be rewarded. I’ll become, like, manager of the place. And if I have that World Title, well, that sure would help me bring the place up to health codes.”

###Alright, I can’t take any more of this. I’ve got to go, lay down, My head hurts. Man, I hope those guys didn’t engage with group sex with me. And if they did, did it cure me?###

“Now, there has been some tension of late in the gang with you, Kay and Xamfir. What do you really think about them?”

###Hmm. Things just got interesting.###

“I love them. I really do. But sometimes, they get so self-involved it’s not fair. There was this one time I accidentally hit both of them in the head with a chair. And they’re complaining about how much their head hurts, since I swing a mean chair. But, what about my pain? I felt so guilty about hitting them, but all they cared about were there lacerations and bumps on their head. I have feelings too!”

Sarah puts a hand to her eyes and begins whimpering.

###You bitch.###

“I’m sorry. This whole Billy Polar match has me upset. I can’t believe we have to go through with the formality of a match. Sarah always comes on top. Out on top, I mean. Man, those Froidian slips are more dangerous than my banana peels sometimes. Billy is so boring he can’t even entertain a doubt. Billy may not be the worst champion in theworld, but until a worse one comes along, he’ll do. I’ll never forget the first time I saw him wrestle. Although I keep trying.”

###OK, that does it. I’m so bringing out the big guns when I get back to my body. I’ve been saving a spell for you Little Miss Slayer person. A spell so unoriginal it may cost you a lawsuit of epic proportions. Oh yeah. Walking away from this light now and heading somewhere else. Yeah, it’s dark this way, and not very promo-friendly, but I need to find my body. I miss my body so much. I feel so nice. Here, me, me, me, me, me! Here, me, me, me, me! Where am I?!###

Well, what could Kay possibly conjure up? I sense something groundbreaking in the promo-industry. Stay tuned. Whatever it is, you can bet it will be something to sing about!

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The koolest wrestler speaks at a house show

February 14th, 2002
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[Subway thing]

(A man is peeing on the wall. He looks nervously from side to side to make sure no pigs come. Cuz he’d probly get arrested or sumthin. After hes done, he zips up his zipper and puts his thing away in no particlar order. Probly before he zipped cauze otherwize hed have a problem, ha ha ha. That was good. After that guy leaves the screen, on comes the hero of jobbin, Urine! He lokks from side to side to make sure their aint no camera around and then he gets down on his hands and knees and slowly begins licking the wall. After licking the sweet yellow goodness, he gets up and suddenly has a pipe in his mouth. He flexes his flabby arm, which doesn’t magicly become muscle, and then bellows ARG ARG ARG ARG! His pipe toots twice. Urine heds back out to the other part of the place were he is and sees the camera. He starts to talk to it.)

U: Ive ben screwed! This fed suks! I should be the main eventer guy. Cuz Im so kool.

(A large group of kool kids walk by and they all cheer for Urine. He has to run away from the mob since hes such a big star.)

U: Now that Im alone again, I can talk to every1 in BOB. Oh shit, fuk it, I gotta get to a house show!

[BOB house show, taking place at A Guy Named Bob’s house]

(“Golden Showers” plays and Urine walks out to boo’s. )

Fans: BOOOOOOOOOO!

U: U suk! Suk my dik!

Fans: BOOOOOOOOO!

U: Kay Fabe, I’m gonna kik ur ass! Really bad! Cuz u suk!

Fans: BOOOOOOOO! We want Kay! We want Kay!

U: Kay’s a lesbo!

Fans: YAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!

U: Y the fuk are u cheering that shit for? Skrew u all!

Fans: BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

R.J. (BOBs house show announcer, cuz God knows u need one): This is gonna be a knobberslocker!

The Prince: We want beavers!!!!!!!

U: Hey, shut up, Im not done talkin yet bitches! Ill make u my bitches, bitches! So shut up bitches. Ur nuthin but bitches, bitches. So shut up bitches.

Fans: BOOOOOOOOOOOO!

U: I’m gonna beat u all to bloody pulps. And have ruff sex with ur fitlthy mothers. And ur football team suks!

Fans: BOOOOOOOOO!

R.J: It sounds like he means it! It’s gonna be a wild ride 2night!

U: Bitches, shut up! U bitches cant talk til I tell u bitches to talk. Fukin bitches. Quit yer bitchen bitches! All u r r bitches. All I c is bitches!

(Urine throws the mic at R.J. and knocks the cowboy hat off his head. Urine goes out to the announce (coffee) table and kicks him in his face. Urine unzips his fly and then pees all over R.J.)

Fans: BOOOOOOOO!

U: Fuk ur woodshed, meet my outhouse! The world is my outhouse! And everyone in BOB is gonna be pist on if my name isn’t Urine. Ur all members of the Uri-Nation! BOB is a toilet and ur swimming in my piss!

(“Golden Showers” begins to blare thruout the house show and Urine leaves to loud boo’s.)

Since this house show was created just for Urine, the Bob house show is over.

(c) 2002 Bob Wrestling.

(Bitches!)

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3 promos for the length of 1

February 13th, 2002
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Urine’s promo: “Long Promo (Extended Version)”

[Graveyard.]

U: U suck!

[Dark.]

Little Good’s promo: “Bugger This”

Little Good stares at the dark TV screen.

“Bloody hell, you’ve got to be quite mad. Bugger this.”

Death’s promo: “Killing Is My Business”

A bony hand scratches on a door. One unlucky soul is about to answer the door.

Little Good?

“Death, mate. Why you here?”

“What does ‘bugger this’ mean? You’re not giving up on the team are you?”

“Did you see Urine’s promo? He blew it. He pissed all over our chances.”

“Did he?”

“He did.”

“Maybe he just needs some inspiration.”

Hospital now.

An elderly woman, maybe in her 60s, 70s or 80s, is alone in a room. It’s night. Her family no doubt left cuz visiting hours are done. Or maybe she’s just too smelly, how should I know? This is third person detached after all. Make up your own reason damnit!

OK now. The woman pulls a blanket up to her chin. She looks toward her closed door and then grabs the remote control. She flips on the TV and raises her legs up so her knees bend the blanket over the lower half of her body like a tent. She begins flipping until she finds a local news channel. Must be around 11 p.m. Ya think? Oh, she flips it off.

A-ha! Now she’s got it. Public Access Channel 1. “Wrestling Guys,” a talk show about efed stuff. Oops, typo, fed stuff. What’s an efed?

Guy: “Next up, the where are they now file. Who is tonight’s profile? You’ll find out after the break. But here’s a hint. He hasn’t been wrestling for about three or four months. All his promos took place in the same place, usually in his leather couch, surrounded by two beautiful women. Ya dig? A look back at his great career after this.”

“Oh, yeah. God I’ve missed him,” the woman says from her bed.

She pulls the remote under the blanket and watches a PSA on why assisted suicide is a good thing. Er, bad thing. Suddenly, her body begins to move in a way anybody who’s seen a chick doing herself would recognize.

“Oh, Steve,” she moans out. “I’m ready for you!”

Suddenly, a chill fills the room as the remote fills a certian spot of her body. She stops gyrating to the memory of “Steve” and looks at the door, which is now open. A tall figure stands there.

Death!

Death approaches the woman, who stares, eyes wide in horror. Death raises a bony finger and puts it to the woman’s head.

Aneurysm.

Dead.

The woman’s lifeless body falls limp.

“What was she,” Little Good says as he walks from behind Death. He pulls the blanket up. Once he sees, he quickly drops the blanket. “She’s got a remote control in her twat! How’s that going to be explained?”

Death shrugs. “It’s not the strangest thing I’ve ever seen. Right, well, let’s go get Urine ready, OK?”

Little Good looks up at the tele and sees the wrestling show. After watching it for a couple seconds, he begins to feel a little uncomfortable. He runs after Death.

The funeral.

Everyone weeps for the dead woman. Since the ground is frozen, she ain’t gonna be buried just yet.

The funeral home.

Urine breaks a window. He crawls through and finds the casket. He opens it. He sees the woman, just laying there. Coming on to him.

“O quit beggin me baby. I here you askin for it. Its comin.”

He unzips his fly.

Suddenly, the door opens and there stands a man with a gun. The funeral director!

“Run 2 the 4est!” Urine screams.

The funeral director runs to the forest.

As Urine turns around, he slides off the casket and falls head first to the floor. He’s unconscious. The floor is urinated on.

Later.

Urine wakes up.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

He’s not alone. A man with long brown hair and a beard, dressed in all white, and shoeless, stands before him. Kinda like how Raven stands. But it ain’t Raven, since he’s have NO place in a BOB promo.

“How r u, guy?” Urine asks.

“Yea. Verily, verily I say unto you, leave this body alone. This sheep will not be defiled by thou.”

“Fuk you man.”

The man with the beard turns his cheek.

Urine leaves.

“Now Urine’s pist. Hes gonna kick some ass.”

Somewhere, Death smiled.

And Little Good dreamed of pinning Sarah “The Jobber Slayer.”

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Life is all about Death, Urine and porno

February 8th, 2002
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“Death? Death? How in the hell am I going to wrestle Death!” Sarah asked Styles, hands outstretched.

Cue that promo theme music (Garbage’s “Temptation Waits”) and opening credits. This promos stars Sarah…..Kay Fabe…….Xamfir…..and Styles.

Dark.

We open up with Jenna Jameson staring at the camera, eyes full of hunger. She is on hands and knees. She is wearing only a black pair of pants, but the kind with suspenders attached. So the suspenders hide her sweet little

“Whoa, whoa. Can we focus on wrestling?” Sarah asks.

“Wait. This is the part where I put the entire Super Bowl trophy up her ass,” Xamfir says. “She didn’t think it would fit. But man, is there tons of room. Everywhere. I think she’s got enough room in her HEY NOW to fit my entire body. She’s like a sexual dimension or something. She is Planet Jenna, thus the title. Working title.”

“Oh my God! Her HEY NOW is like a clown car!”

Kay looks around at everyone. “OK, maybe I’m missing something. But why does everyone keep saying HEY NOW in reference to Jenna’s HEY NOW.”

“You just did it too,” Sarah says. “Can we please start this promo now?”

“Sure, what’s it about?” Xamfir asks.

“Death and Urine.”

“Two things you can count on in life. Death and Urine,” Xamfir says.

“OHHH. OHHHHH. OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEAHHH,” Jenna says as the Super Bowl trophy splits the uprights. All eyes return back to the TV screen in Sarah’s living room. That’s where the promo is taking place.

“Look,” Sarah says. “I don’t ask for much from you guys, but we need to trash talk our opponents so we have a chance at winning. The BigBoss, LilBoss and NameLess Boss are all going to be playing with themselves. I don’t know if that’s a good or not for our chances in the six man. Maybe if…hey, can we bribe the bosses with porno stars?”

“What?” Kay asks. “There’s only one way to win a match. Having the intestinal fortitude. Having a huge heart, because the heart is the biggest organ in your body. It’s through getting a second wind and that adrenaline rush just when everyone thinks you’ve hit rock bottom. And if all that doesn’t work, I’ll summon a wrestler’s spirit and he’ll lead us to victory in my body.”

“Excuse me.” Styles heads to the bathroom.

“If we’re not careful, WE’LL be spirits. Hello, Death?”

The phone rings. Sarah goes to it.

“Hello?”

“You called?” Death answers.

Sarah slams the phone down.

There’s a knock at the door. Sarah groans, but goes to the door.

It’s Mr. E!

Mr. E picks up Sarah and throws her over her couch!

Everyone laughs. Because it’s so FUNNY!

Mr. E LAUGHS!

Kay Fabe LAUGHS!

Xamfir LAUGHS!

Jenna Jameson would laugh, but she’s too busy licking love juice off the Super Bowl trophy. And she’s on tape.

Sarah sits up and LAUGHS!

Styles, pants around his ankles, opens the bathroom door a crack. He CHUCKLES!

Sarah gets up. “I kick the ass of fools like you.”

With that, Sarah pulls a banana out from her waistline and puts the barrel of the 9 (inches) to his forehead. “Time to bust a cap.”

She drops the banana and leg sweeps Mr. E. She grabs his leg and

SNAP!!!

“A knee cap, that is.”

Sarah throws Mr. E out of her house.

“These fight scenes are so weak nowadays. What happened to us? We used to always get into cool fights with cool background music. Now I kick everyone’s ass in two seconds. Man, I’m ready for a good fight. Maybe Death is just what I need. I’ll kick Death’s ass. Kay, you take care of Urine. You did it before. And Xamfir, Little Good is yours. But leave some of peroxide boy for me.”

Styles flushes and comes out. “What about The Geek? He’s done something sacrijobberous.”

“The Geek is harmless. As a matter of fact, I think he’s kind of cute.”

“Wow, did it just get incredibly vomit-inducing in here?” Xamfir asks.

“Come on. It’s obvious what he’s up to. So The Geek, listen up and listen good. We are going to be together soon. In the ring. Your hands will get the chance to run all over my body. Why? Not because we’re going to wrestle. Screw that. You know I can kick your ass. But I need a good man whore. A slave to do my bidding.”

“Hello?” Xamfir says. “Open your eyes. Man whore, right here.”

“No, Xamfir, I want The Geek. I want him to take me into his arms, caress my back, my ass, my legs, my breasts, my face, ever so gently. And I want to run my tongue ever so lightly from his forehead down to his toes….and everywhere in between. So The Geek, you meet me in the ring at your earliest convenience. We’ll forget ALL about that silly little mistake you made. And believe me, I’m flattered. I know you’re in love with me. It’s OK. I have deep feelings for you as well. And I’d like to show you just how deep my feelings are.”

“Deep?” Kay asks.

“Deep,” Sarah says. “BYOB. Bring your own bananas. And I’ll show you things you’ve only dreamed about. And for one night, you can call me Sarah The Virginity Slayer. Now, onto business. Kay, set up the match. Focus on Urine.”

“OK,” Kay says. “Urine, I’ve already given you the thrashing of a lifetime. I beat you with my broomstick. I beat you until you were in a puddle of peepee. Though I guess you probably like that. But, you are evil. And good always overcomes evil.”

[Meanwhile, Urine, who ain’t no genius, laughs at the lack of logic. Let’s see:

A. Kay is a witch.

B. Kay is a lesbian.

C. Kay beats people with a broomstick.

D. Kay channels dead wrestlers.

Evil? Kay calling herself good is like Urine calling XXXtreme Machine a good typist.]

Xamfir must address Little Good next. And does.

“Well, we’re gonna hook up and you’re gonna learn that I put the fear in Xamfir!”

[Meanwhile, Little Good, if he were in this promo, and not just in brackets, would point out that his name is not spelled Xamfear, thus the only thing in his name is ‘fir.’ Which sounds like fur, which is like what Xamfir’s mother’s got in her special place, which Little Good likes to visit….quite often.]

Sarah’s turn.

“Death, you may not be a jobber. As a matter of fact, we’ve got a lot in common. People lay down for us everywhere we go. For me, it’s jobbers. For you, it’s dead humans.”

Kay chimes in: “It’s the immovable object against the unstoppable force!”

“Yeah,” Sarah says in her oh-so-unsubtle sarcastic way. “But I’m gonna take that scythe….shine it up real nice…..and while you’re waiting for me to stick it up your bony ass, I’ll whack your head off like I’m playing T-ball. And Death will lay down for me. I don’t lay down for ANYBODY.”

“Not even guys,” Kay says. “She’s waiting for The Geek.”

Sarah almost laughs, but, oh wait, she coughs. That wasn’t a laugh.

Or was it?

Hmm….

[Meanwhile, Death thinks of a good comeback. Death wants to call her gay or a fag, but for some reason, Death doesn’t think that’ll work against a chick. Death is no doubt thinking how women don’t belong in a man’s sport.]

Who will win in a fight between she who slays wrestlers and Death who slays everyone…..

Oh wait, it’s BOB. There’ll be a screw job.

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In a gravey!!!!!!!!!!!

February 1st, 2002
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(The camera goes into a graveyard of horror, somewhere in Cloudysale. Thdre is a dignng nooise that kinda of sounds like digging or something. Tis really soppookky. The camera keeps lolling for the sources of the noize. But at first it doesnt have no luck. Then it does. We see dirty being shoveled up. OUt of a grave!!! The horror! Dirty keeps cuming up like its being shoveled our. Out. Fix this later.

The gravy is about 6 feet deep. The person in the grave is shourd.ed, hidden by blackness. Its dark out. Its night time. Its dark at night. Write? Duh.

Suddenly, a man comes on screen. hes dressed all stoopid. He got a beerd and is really old. He looks down into the gravy and wonders whats goin on.

Old guy: Hay, u cant be down there you dum sum bitch. Get your ass out of their.

Man in grave: Oh no, I wil never be ridded from my home. The place wear I feel so good. So alive. In a grave! Now shut up.

Old guy: Water u doin?

Man in grave: Do u no whoo i am?

The crowd pops like crazee as everyone wates for the great wretsler to speak again.

Man in grave: Im URINE!!!! So PISS OFF beyotchhhhhh!

Urine’s music plays and he leaves the graveyard house show. Then he realizes he’s not at a house show and heads back to the old guy. Urine picks up the shival and hits the old guy in the head with the shival. And he keeps hitting him in the head again and again. Until he dyes!!!

Urine looks down at the guy and laughs evilly. Then he goes back to thae gravy and opens the lid of a casket. He sees an old woman in there. He has a raging boner. He cant wait to get her home and pee on her.

“Well, well, well,” a voice says at the top of the grave. “Urine. We meet again.”

“Little Good. What u want man?”

“I need your help.”

Death comes into the picture.

And sez: “We need your help.”

“I can’t believe I’m lowering my standards this far,” Little Good says. “But if the three of us kick the Slayer’s ass, I won’t regret this thing in the morning.”

“U tawk dumb. Man, why don’t you talk kool like me? Barsterd.”

Death looks down at Urine. And says: “Urine, if you join us for one time, and one time only, I can guarantee you I’ll always let you know where the dead bodies have fallen. I’ll give you the master key to every funeral home in town. And I’ll give you water. Lots and lots of water to drink so you’ll be able to continue your nasty habit.”

Urine scritches his head and pulls a thing of urine out from his thing. He takes a drink. He smiles.

“IK. Lets kick some arse!”

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Looking for partners…not in the gay sense, ya know?

February 1st, 2002
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Jeers. The bar where nobody knows your name. Unless that name just happens to be

BOOOOO!!!!!!!

Unless that name just happens to be….

BOOOOO!!!!!!!

Oh stop it. This isn’t about the narrator. It’s all about Little Good.

Little Good walks into the bar, which is pretty well packed tonight. He’s looking for partners. Two in fact. No, not for some gay orgy. For a wrestling show to face of against the Slayer and her little groupies.

The bartender with the horse face walks up to Little Good as he sits down on a stool.

“Damn it! Can’t you clean the crap off this stool!”

“What?”

“There’s stool on my stool. Bloody hell, who sat here before me?”

A loud, deep laugh is heard behind Little Good. Little Good turns around and jerks backward in horror.

DEATH!

The figure, all nearly 7-feet of him, bends over and slaps, well, you could assume a knee, but his whole body is hidden by a big black cloak. The only part of his body revealed is a bony hand. The one clutching the scythe.

“Death! Well I’ll be jiggered. I haven’t seen you in YEARS mate!. How’ve you been?”

“Oh, I can’t complain. Well I can, but everyone I tell dies!”

Both men share a hearty laugh.

“Hey, didn’t you try to become a stand up comedian there for a while? I heard you performed at a few bars. Told some real funnies. You still doing that?”

“Nah. I took my act on the road. It bombed. Except for one guy. I remember, only one guy laughed at me the entire tour I did. Everyone else just sat there, silent.”

“Well, it’s the world’s loss,” Little Good says flatly. “Anyway, fancy meeting you here. Say, have you ever thought of wrestling?”

“Wrestling? I couldn’t. I don’t have the physique. I’m nothing but, uh, bones!”

“Yeah, but they’re really BIG bones.”

“Thanks for noticing.”

Little Good raises his eyebrows. “I didn’t mean, like that.”

“Oh, I know.” Death clears its throat. “Yeah, well. Why would you want me as your partner.”

“I’m trying to get together the most EVIL tag team ever created. The kind of team that would make Satan’s legs wet with piss.”

“Hey, you just gave me an idea. There is only one man who is hated by more people in the world. Want to go interrupt his RP?”

“Sure.”

“But yes, just to let you know, Little Good and Death will team up in the six person match. Hopefully with the most disgusting, most vile, most ugly, most smelly wrestler of all time…….”

To be continued in another promo. Read until you figure out which one.

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