Sick of repeats
[A basement.]
A big BOB banner is on one wall. A washing machine and dryer are against another wall. In front of the third wall is a TV camera, some chairs and video equipment. On the fourth wall is the door.
[It's Styles' basement.]
Styles opens the door and is followed in by Swiss Army Champion Sarah “The Jobber Slayer.”
“I just needed to talk to you,” Styles says.
They take seats on steel folding chairs.
“No problemo. What’s up?” Sarah asks.
“I think Xamfir and Kay, well, may be feeling, left out. By you.”
“Bummer. But Styles, you’ve got to understand…” she looks at the title on her shoulder. “It’s my first time being with a title. That’s huge for me. I’m a woman in a man’s business. Granted, ‘man’ might be a little strong for BOB, but still…”
“The jobber activity is getting worse here. A psychotic scotter, a talking skateboard, a boy band, a geek, fallen angels, Billy Polar!”
“Yeah, that is bad. We need Kay and Xamfir on board. They’re great distractions. Pretty good supporting material too.”
[Meanwhile, in parts unknown (in Cloudydale, most likely, since she lives there), Kay Fabe puts a broomstick through her TV set.]
[Meanwhile, elsewhere, Xamfir pisses on his TV set. Then he goes to get a sponge and paper towels to clean up the mess.]
“But enough about them. There’s NAGAM to discuss. You’re coming to my world,” Styles says.
“Oh my God!”
“I know! So, I’ve arranged for us to attend one of the hardcore backyard feds in town and videotape it to provide commentary.”
“What?”
“I said, I’ve arranged for us-”
“When?”
“Well, we’ll film the opening here and then the show will air on Channel 1 public access sometime around 4:30 p.m. Monday. Or Tuesday.”
“Good, that gives me the weekend to write results.”
“What did you say?” Styles asks perplexed.
“Nothing,” Sarah says innocently. “Last thing I said was ‘when.’ Why?”
“You said that gives you the weekend to, um, WRITE results. Why would you have to WRITE results when we’ll be TAPING a show?
“No I didn’t!”
“Read up five lines.
…
“Huh…I don’t remember saying it. If Kay Fabe were here, a comment like that never would have happened.
[Kay, who had repaired her TV through the power of witchcraft, plunges the broomstick through it for a second time.]
“This whole conversation never would have happened. But since it did, yes, we will go ‘tape’ the ’show’ to be ‘broadcast’ on ‘Channel 1.’
“Now it’s time for you to shine.”
“Which fed is it?”
“A new group in Cloudydale. It’s called Hardcore Occult Sports Entertainment.”
“HOSE?”
“Uh, yes. Should be entertaining. As long as you’re there.”
“You know what will have to happen after the show?”
“Of course.”
“OK. Do I play the heel or face announcer?”
[Kay screams. Yes, her TV is, well, was, fixed again.]
“Well, I’m the commentator. You’re the heelish type I guess.”
“But I’m so pretty. I’ll play a tweener.”
[Though her TV is not fixed, through some black force, she now hears every word Sarah says. Kay grabs her heart. Is it breaking?
"No, not getting rid of me that easy. Time for a surprise guest at HOSE."]
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It’s a “Show Full of HOSE!” Taped on Channel 1, Cloudydale Publick Axxess. Airing sometime soon. Stay tuned!
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Upcoming backyard fed shows on Channel 1:
Saturday: Interspecies Grapplin’ Federation.
Sunday: Main Event Bad-@ss Babies
Monday: Hardcore Occult Sports Entertainment
Tuesday: TBA
Wednesday: Pathetic Poser Federation
Thursday: Soap Opera Wrestling: Starring Ladders, Chairs and Tables
Friday: Pillowfight Championship Wrestling
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Volunteers needed:
DO YOU SUCK? DO YOU LIKE PAIN AND BEING SCREWED?
Call Uncle Eric at (555) 555-5555.
Plastic Championship Wrestling is HIRING!!! PCW: It’s FAKE!
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Need a WRESTLING ring? Send $8,000 to:
Ringmaster
3 Laydown Drive
Cloudydale, CT 00000.
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HOSE needs writers.
Send resumes to Channel 1, care of HOSE.
(Vince Russo need not apply.)
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Coke addiction.
Maybe it’s time to start.
See what everyone’s talking about,
Coke. It dulls the pain of life.
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