Bitchcraft
[How did Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" come to be? Fair question. If you care, the BOBRP Channel (known affectionately as the 'Burp' channel) is going to be showing Sarah, from the beginning. All the great promos (including the early Buffy "The Jobber Slayer" promos, before the whole lawsuit thing) that made Sarah into a cult phenomenon and led her to BOB. Tonight, we show RP 3. This RP is called "Bitchcraft."]
“First crazed diaper men, now a group of skinny bitches. Can it BE any more fun here in Cloudydale?” Buffy asked.
Cloudydale High School. The gymnasium. Afternoon. Cheerleader practice. Plenty of teenage girls in short skirts stretching and jumping. Buffy Summers entered the gymnasium with Kay Fabe and Richard Hurtz behind her. Richard looked around in amazement at all the poon. Not long there, when….
“Buffy,” Connie greeted.
“Connie,” Buffy returned.
“What brings you here?”
“Blind much,” Buffy asks, pointing out the gray and blue cheerleading uniform she’s wearing.
“Listen Buffy, you may have been a bad-ass bitch up in Greenwich, but we play by different rules down here. My rules. I am the game, and you don’t want to play me.”
“I do,” Richard says. “Oh sorry, did you say play you, or play WITH you?”
“Not even if you were the last man on earth and I had Buffy’s body,” Connie says before walking away.
The Shaggy Gang get to steppin’ again, but only manage a few steps before Kay falls down. Buffy and Richard ask if she’s okay and offer to help her up. Kay realizes she tripped over a broom.
“I’m down, but not broken,” she says. She picks up the broom and looks at it. She slides her hands up and down the smooth, hard, wood. She likes the feel of it. She wonders if….
“Hey, gimme that,” the Evil Janitor Man demanded.
“I don’t want to. I like it,” Kay told him.
He grabs the base end and tries to wrestle it from her. She tugs on it. He ends up pulling the broom end against his crotch and pulls hard. She pulls back. If someone wanted to notice this, this would be a borderline pornographic visual, with the broom playing the part of pubic hair, and the stick, well, figure it out jerkass. The tug of war continued until a girl who has yet to be introduced intervened. She pulled the broom easily from Kay’s grasp. The broom sagged to the floor, still in the hands of its owner, Evil Janitor Man.
“Ana?” Kay asks the stranger, who is also dressed in the cheerleader uniform.
“Hi Kay. Dad, you weren’t giving my friend a hard time, were you?”
“Yes. She touched my broom. My BROOM! This is my broom! You keep your hands off it, ya hear?” He walks away, giving Kay and Ana the chance to talk. Since they are minor characters, we’ll ignore their convo and move along.
Dance music begins to play and a cheerleader takes center floor. She begins to do her thing, when suddenly, she slips and falls heels over head. She ends up stuck on the floor, Bugs Bunny style, with her legs over her head.
“She’s hurt!” Kay yells.
“Hey Sherlock, here’s some shit for you,” Connie yells at Kay. “Since you obviously have none.”
Buffy runs over to the girl. She notices a wet spot on the floor. A wet spot?
“Did you get nervous and slip on your own pee?” Buffy asks.
“No. Check my panties. They’re dry.”
Buffy feels the girl’s crotch. And ass. Gotta be thorough. “I sense trouble. You been to a doctor lately?”
“No, why?”
“I think you’re hurt. You should go.”
“Sky blue still? I can’t move! I think my back is broken. Or stuck or something.”
Richard and Kay show up behind Buffy.
“Don’t move her,” Richard cautions. He then excuses himself. He walks under the bleachers. There is a bang from underneath there, as if he just dropped down to his knees. Figure out the next paragraph for yourself.
**********************************************
Next day.
At Buffy’s house, Buffy bumps into her mom in the kitchen. She is making toast and eggs. They say hello before Buffy’s mom starts to make conversation.
“I think it’s good you’re getting back into cheerleading. I think it’ll keep you from burning down the school. I’d like to encourage you not to burn down that school. It’s good not to get expelled more than two times a year.”
Buffy runs away.
“I SO suck at parenting,” Buffy’s mom says.
**********************************************
After yesterday’s fiasco, they decided to postpone the remainder of the tryouts. So they continued today. Kay had a run in with Ana, then went to tell Buffy about it.
“I think something’s up with Ana.”
“Really, why?” Buffy asked.
“I don’t know for sure. But, you know how yesterday she really didn’t care about cheerleading? Well, today she does. She’s really excited about it. She also has a five o’clock shadow, smells like the school restrooms and grew a few inches overnight.”
“Eh, probably just drugs,” Buffy shrugs.
**********************************************
Later. The main office. Connie is sitting in the waiting area, still dressed in her cheerleading outfit. She keeps crossing and uncrossing her legs. Eventually, a secretary tells her to go into the assistant principal’s office.
“Fine. Service here sucks, by the way.”
She passed by the principal’s office, which has the name Josh Wheaton, written on it in gold. She goes into the next office, the door is open. We don’t see a name on the door. She takes a seat in a chair which is aimed toward the right. The assistant principal’s desk is out of sight. The door remains open.
“Finally, Connie Kuntz has come back to the assistant principal’s office,” Connie announces.
“Cawnie, I’m givin’ you detention.”
“For what?”
“You punched anawther student owt during cheerleading practice.”
“Is that a crime? Well pardon me for wanting to be the best at yelling out letters. This is a school. We’re not just cheerleaders, we’re teaching people how to spell! And she wasn’t doing it good enough. I could be Vanna White in a couple of years if I get really good!”
“Stop tryin’ to bust my awnions. I’ve got awnions the size of grapefruits baby! You will respect the powahs that be and repawt to detention today.”
“Whatever,” she says putting her thumbs together to make a W with her index fingers extended.
**********************************************
In detention, Connie was alone. Suddenly, a man dressed in black leather entered the room, pushing a TV set on one of those TV/VCR school carts. He shut the lights off and popped in a tape.
“Oh no, not again.”
Play is pressed.
RAW!
“Oh GOD, I’m blind!”
The Master chuckles.
**********************************************
Meanwhile, practice continues. Until…..dum dum dum….
“Oww!” the girl cheering beside ‘Ana’ yells out.
A broomstick falls to the floor.
“What happened?” Buffy asked.
“I don’t know. That broomstick, just, kind of, fell on her face,” ‘Ana’ says.
The injured girl spits out teeth. And a mouthful of blood. She has to go for emergency surgency, er, emergery surgery, you know…..
**********************************************
After practice ends, Buffy heads to the library. Kay and Richard are seated at a table. Styles is standing near them with a videotape in hand.
“With Connie being blind, Slut Bunny stuck in traction and Miss Toothless in medical hell, I think somebody is trying to sabotage the cheerleading squad. Something’s up.
Styles looks down at his pants. But luckily, Buffy misses the look and Kay begins to talk.
“Why would somebody want to hurt a bunch of beautiful girls who have horrible, bitchy attitudes and who will only date jocks? I just answered my own question, didn’t I?”
“That’s the thrill of living in Cloudydale. There’s a veritable cornucopia of, of baby men and evil janitors and, clowns to engage….” Styles looks around at Kay, Richard and Buffy’s faces. “Pardon me for finding the glass half full.”
**********************************************
Ana’s house.
There, Buffy and Styles knock on ze door. Zen zey ring ze doorbell. Eventually, zere is an answere.
It’s Ana! It’s Ana! It’s Ana! Ana answers the door!
“Oh my God!” Styles says in shock. “It’s the REAL Ana.”
“Come in,” Ana tells them. “I guess I’ve got to give you the low down.”
Inside, Buffy immediately notices pictures on the mantel. The photos are of Ana’s father. But it gets worse. He’s in wrestling gear! In numerous dated photos, all at least 15 or 20 years old.
“My dad wanted to relive his youth. So he started wearing a wig and a cheerleader outfit, impersonating me. His final goal was to get back into wrestling with all sorts of plastic surgery.” She puts her hands to her face and collapses to the floor, weeping.
Buffy and Styles look at her. They shrug and leave.
**********************************************
“I can’t believe Ana’s dad is a jobber,” Buffy says as she opens the gym door. Once the door is open, she notices that a basketball game has broken out. “Was this on the schedule, or did we just have a soap opera time warp? How old do I look Styles?”
The coach comes up to Buffy. “You’re late. You will never, EVER, cheer in this town agayne.” She’s from Canada, in case you didn’t notice the accent. Or dialect.
“No problemo,” she says, once she sees that ‘Ana’, a.k.a. Evil Janitor Man, is on the sidelines, cheering on the boys.
Buffy blows by the coach and runs up to EJM. With his back still turned, Buffy pulls the wig off his head! He gasps and turns around to see who has foiled his ingenious plan. He looks at the court, at the other girls and at the whopping five fans in the stands, feeling all eyes on him (even though none are) and runs away.
**********************************************
A hallway.
The janitor is contemplating which restroom to hide in.
Men? Or women. He rubbed his crotch, trying to remember which he was at the moment, but that moment of forgetfulness gave Buffy the chance to come up from behind him and whack him in the knee with a broomstick.
“Sweet irony, why! Why!”
“Life sucks. And so do you.”
“Who are you.”
“I, am the chosen one.”
The Shaggies meet around the fallen victim. Buffy seems a bit sad.
“You don’t need to be a cheerleader,” Kay says rubbing Buffy’s back in a comforting way. “Couldn’t you just be happy leading us? Cheerfully or otherwise?” Then her hand slips down to Buffy’s ass briefly for a different kind of comfort.
“I guess it’s just us then, the Shaggy Gang.”