Monkeys have feelings too
Welcome (back) to the locker room of Sarah “The Jobber Slayer.” Sarah is shadow boxing. She throws a right, a right, an uppercut right, her shadow is reeling, but the shadow comes back with a solid punch to her chin, knocking her backward. And it punches with a left and a right and a left and a right. Her shadow is kicking her ass. Until…Sarah goes down on her knees and hits a shot between the shadow’s legs. Not much of an effect. Hmmm. Ponder that. A shadow without balls…..
Anyway…
She trips her shadow and grabs the shadow’s leg.
Crack.
Yes, the shadow doesn’t have balls, but it has bones. Makes sense, right?
Suddenly, from behind Sarah, comes on odd collection of noises. Kind of like, a chorus of monkeys. But why would there be a chorus of monkeys backstage at a BOB show?
Sarah turned around then and saw them. It was true. A group of about 10 monkeys, none any taller than her hips, stood before Sarah. Blocking her entrance. Er, exit. They all carried protest signs on wood sticks.
SAVE THE BANANAS
JOBBER SLAYER, NOT BANANA SLAYER
I GOT SOMETHING YOU CAN EAT
US MONKEYS HAVE BEEN SPANKED ENOUGH
MODERN DAY ETHIOPIA FOR CT MONKEYS
EAT PICKLES OR HOT DOGS OR ECLAIRES, PLEASE!
There were more. But Sarah’s reading was interrupted by the leader of the monkeys. He stepped forward with an eye patch over his right eye and a
Then Styles walked in mid-description.
“Oh my GOD!”
Then, Little Good walks into the room. Again.
“Well, well, well. Looks like somebody tipped off the Fighting Monkeys of Cloudydale. There she is boys, the woman who cleaned out the local supermarket of bananas just so she could win THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.”
“What are you up to Little Good?”
“Exactly.”
“Exactly what?”
“I’m up to little good. Causing trouble. Being a bad boy. I warned you not to mess with me Slayer.”
“Oh, I see. If you had any grammatical skills, I wouldn’t have had to asked you ‘what’ before. I didn’t ask you if you were up to little good, I asked you, Little Good, what you were up to. Don’t quit your, whatever job it is you have. It obviously isn’t writing.”
“Can we please get to the point of this stupid promo? Thank you. Right, well, I called the American Humane Association. You know how on TV you can’t harm any animals, or else you go to jail for animal cruelty. Well, I’ve trained these monkeys to fight each other. They’ve got a taste for blood. Now, when I say a certain word, they will attack you. You know what I did love?”
“What?”
“I told them why they couldn’t party Friday night. It was because of you darling. The banana induced orgy parties that the Fighting Monkeys of Cloudydale are legendary for throwing came to a sad end.”
“Well they couldn’t have been too legendary if Curious George never attended.”
“Oooook oook ooooook EEEEEEE, EEEEE, EEEEEE!” one of the monkeys in the rear begins to shout. That monkey is wearing a bright orange shirt and bright yellow tie.
“That was wise. Insult Gay Monkey’s ex-lover. That’s right nice of ya. Bloody hell, you’re just asking for it now.”
“I may be asking for it, but at least I got to eat some bananas.”
“Huddle up boys,” Little Good says to the Fighting Monkeys of Cloudydale.
The group of 10 monkeys get into a huddle around Little Good, who kneels down and talks softly. He draws out instructions on the ground. One of the monkeys, one dressed in a cowboy suit, looks over at Sarah and adjusts his brim. Sarah responds by pulling out a banana and caressing it up and down, up and down. The monkey breaks huddle and both hands go up to his face, “Home Alone” style.
“Ooooooook!”
She slowly strips the banana. taking off one piece at a time and peeling it down ever so slowly.
The monkey begins to fan himself with his cowboy hat.
And then, Sarah’s tongue emerges and she licks the tip of the banana ever so slightly.
“Okay Cowboy?” Little Good sternfully asks. “You’re the key to this plan working, right?”
The monkey looks back at Little Good with a bewildered look on his face. The key? Did Little Good say Cowboy Monkey was the key? Cowboy Monkey scratches his head and puts his hat back on. Then he picks up a bug off his chest and eats it.
“Right?”
“Oook oook!” Cowboy Monkey says.
“Don’t take that tone with me! I’m the guy who kicked the asses of the Ritalin Popping Monkeys of Cloudydale for you so you could do me this one favor.”
“Oooook. Ook. Oook oook oook ook oooooook,” Cowboy Monkey says.
“That’s better. Ready? Break.”
Little Good and the monkeys clap their hands and they all turn toward Sarah, who has devoured the banana she had been toying with before.
Suddenly, there is a growing sound in the background. Kind of like, a more deranged chorus of monkeys. Hyper ookers who are running and smashing up the backstage area (BOB’s gonna love to pay for that mess, there go the PPV profits). They enter Sarah’s room.
“Oh, hell,” Little Good says. “Looks like the Ritalin Popping Monkeys of Cloudydale got something a little stronger in their system tonight.”
“Oook?” asks Football Monkey. Yes, he’s dressed in a football uniform. New England Patriots style, trying to get some cheap heat from the home crowd, no doubt.
“Who are you guys?” Little Good asks the frenzied new band of monkeys. They are all wearing black muscle shirts and short-shorts.
“Ook oooooook ook oooooook. Oook ook ook oook ooooooooook ooooook ooooooooooooooook!”
“What did he say?” Little Good asks Pirate Monkey.
Pirate Monkey interprets, repeating the exact same thing the leader of the other group of monkeys said. If you forget, read up a couple of lines and then rejoin us when you’re ready to continue.
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OK.
“They changed their gimmick to what? Did you just say the Steroid Popping Monkeys?” Little Good asks in disbelief.
“Ook!” Pirate Monkey responds.
Well, it looks like gang war is about to break out backstage.
Just for chuckles, Little Good decides now would be a good time to say the attack word.
“Horowitz!”
Little Good jumps over the Steroid Popping Monkeys and gets out of there.
“Oh my GOD!” Guess who said it.
“Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be right back after this short break,” Sarah calmly says over a wall of ooking sounds.
[Dark.]
[Light.]
Sarah is in her room, alone. Little Good returns.
“What the hell? Where are the monkeys?”
“Oh, it was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen,” Sarah says moving closer to her nemesis. “A fight of epic proportions. Had to see it. It was like a scene right out of ‘Monkeyheart.’ Too good to let the viewers of BOB see. After all, they’re used to seeing no-talent jobbers like you.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing. Bad things are Little Good things. And I’m bad baby. I’m bad to the bone.”
“Bad, untalented, whatever you want to call yourself. I’m still going to end it all tonight.”
Little Good chuckles. “You see what happened to Xamfir and Kay Fabe out there? They’re both eliminated already. I think Kay’s been arrested for drug possession, I’m not sure.”
“That’s all your fault. She was still hurting from when Villano invaded her body earlier.”
“Yeah, those Spanish guys will ravage a body, I know all about….I mean, I’ve heard all about that.”
“Can’t you do your own promos anymore? Why do you have to be in mine?”
“Lack of time, lack of inspiration, call it what you will. Mostly, I just enjoy cheesing you off baby.”
“Will this day EVER end?” Sarah asks. “Will this pay-per-view EVER end!”
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She gets no reply.