Preparing for Hot Asian Sluts
[Backstage. Earlier.]
Inside: Sarah The Jobber Slayer and her commentator Styles.
“What do you mean I have to pay to watch the show? I work here!”
“Low budget and all,” Styles reluctantly tells his Slayer.
Styles is wearing a dark blue suit tonight. And ladies? Well, he’s single. But he doesn’t have much of an income, so all you golddiggers best ignore him. He takes off his glasses and wipes them with his brown tie. He then tries to put them back on, but, as usual, pokes himself in the eyes. Both eyes. Sarah looks at the 9-inch monitor. One would assume it’s black and white. There is no cable box in sight. Which poses the question….how can Sarah pay for the pay-per-view on the monitor?
“How can I pay for the pay-per-view on the monitor? There is no cable box in sight. And I’m assuming this is a 9-inch black and white monitor. And Styles? You’re single?”
“Yes.”
“What about the research? Have you researched all my opponents for me?”
There’s a knock at the door. Sarah looks over. In walks Xamfir. He has a backpack slung over his shoulder.
“Oh, you’re already dressed. Damn.” Xamfir has gone all out tonight with his outfit. He’s got on a nice pink skirt and a white mesh shirt. “I still have to change. Do you mind?”
“What?” Sarah asks.
“If I change, right here?”
“Does ewww mean anything to you? Don’t want to see your jiggly love handles and your mishaped man breasts….any more than I can now.” She raises her eyebrows. “Did you shave your legs?”
“Sarah, wouldn’t I look stupid if I had this on (he says massaging his pink skirt) and DIDN’T shave my legs?”
“Ohhhhkay.”
Kay Fabe enters the room.
“Did somebody just say my name?” Kay is already wearing her wrestling gear. Her big black pointy hat, a long black robe, a black tight body suit and ruby red boots. She’s also got a broom between her legs. I mean, not like, between between, just, her legs are wrapped around it like she’s riding a bicycle or something. Man, what’s with the dirty minds?
Xamfir looks at her, then down at the broom. Styles looks at Kay, then down at the broom. Sarah looks at her, then down at the broom. Kay looks down at the broom. Now everyone is looking down at the broom. The broom, nervous from all the attention it’s now receiving, suddenly starts to, sag. Kay pulls the broom out from between her legs and hides it behind her. All eyes return to Kay.
“I’m glad we’re all here,” Sarah says. “Listen, three of us are entering this thing, and only one of us can win. I hope you two realize it isn’t going to be either one of you.”
“What?” Kay asks. “I’m your best friend!”
“Yeah, and?”
“Are you saying Xamfir has no shot at winning?” Xamfir asks.
“Look, this group is built around me. Didn’t you ever notice you guys never get any credit in the ‘name’ line. It’s always me. This is my show. You guys are good, don’t get me wrong, but you couldn’t hold this group together, let alone a single promo.”
Kay begins to blabber nonsensically. “You….buh…..we….my…some……me…….can……..BOB……” She also gestures oddly. Everyone stares at her again. She turns around and looks at the broom. “C’mon, it’s obvious I’m left on my own. You and me will show HER.” Kay stomps out of the room. She’d slam the door, but I think it fell off the hinges at some point.
Xamfir has done something odd to his face. No, in addition to what God and his parents are responsible for. Kind of like, well, he’s holding his breath and making a weird(er than usual) face. Suddenly, his exhales viciously and spit comes flying. “If I see you in that much, I’m gonna take my panflute. Turn it sideways. And stick it straight up your…..your…..your…….private parts.” Xamfir turns around and stomps out of the room.
As she turns around to Styles, to no doubt offer some sort of witty remark, she is interrupted. Now we’ll never know if she truly had a witty remark, or if she’s just covering up for a lack of a witty remark. Hell, she might have had something, she might not have, but you’ll never know. Why?
“Well, well, well,” Little Good said. “Slayer.”
She turns.
“And the sheep stray. Looks like you’ve got nobody to distract me later tonight. Looks like somebody is going to have to deal with me all by her lonesome. Looks like I’m going to take out a third Slayer.”
“You’ll never take me out.”
“Right. All I have to do is flash a little green and you’ll want me. You’ll want me bad. Because I’m a bad boy. And you need bad boys. And besides that. (He pauses, looking her up and down.) a girl’s got to eat.”
“I’d rather starve.” She steps toward him.
“No, I don’t think you would.” He steps toward her.
“Yes I would.” She steps toward him.
“No, I don’t think so.” He lights up a cigarette. He throws the match at her. It bounces off her white sleeveless shirt. The wind resistance put out the match before it even hit her. He then takes a step toward her.
“I do think so.” She steps toward him again.
“Bloody hell, listen Slayer. Tonight, BOB PPV. You and me may or may not hook up. But know one thing. You’re not going to Slay me. You’re never going to Slay me. You’re just not funny enough.”
Rim shot.
“Ugh,” Sarah says. “Hey, what are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants its ass back?
“Cute. Think of that one yourself?”
“No, I stole it.”
Suddenly, Dennis is in the room. Sarah and Little Good are chest to chest. Not a bad deal for Little Good. Dennis sticks a microphone between them.
“Can I get your thoughts on the upcoming match?”
“No.” Little Good turns around and walks away.
“No.” Sarah bends down and knuckles Dennis in the lower abdominal area.
“OH MY GOD,” Styles belts out. Well, it was a good shot. It was EXTREME!!!!!!!
[Later]
In a hallway, Xamfir paces up and down. He blows into his panflute.
[Elsewhere]
Outside, Kay Fabe is sitting in a sacred circle of urine. She is sitting cross-legged in the middle.
“In the name of Andre the Giant, I invoke thee! In the name of Ric Flair, I invoke thee. In the name of Terry Funk, I invoke thee. In the name of Triple H, I invoke thee. Bring me the spirit of a once great, but now fallen sports entertainment or wrestling warrior. Fill my body with your spirit and live once again!”
Who will inhabit the body of Kay Fabe? What dead wrestler will come out of the ultimate retirement for one last match. Could it be Yokozuna? Owen Hart? Terry Bam Bam Gordy? Andre the Giant? The Red Rooster? What? He’s alive? Aw, hell. What once living, but now dead, person or gimmick will be resurrected in the body of the beautiful redheaded lesbian?
[Later, elsewhere]
Sarah is eating bananas. Slowly. Very slowly. Then devouring the banana. It goes into her mouth so slowly, lingers there, and then BOOM, gone! All gone! She’s a BANANA EATER.
And she’s saving the peels.
Time draws near.
“Oh my God.”
“Did somebody pitch a tent in your pants?” Sarah asks.
Styles is staring at her. He pulls on his tie around the collar to let some, steam out. Or something.
[And elsewhere, again, later.]
Little Good chugs from a bottle of something. He’s outside. He comes across Kay Fabe in the sacred circle of urine. While she’s still in her trance, he pulls the pointy hat off her head, unzips his fly, and takes a whizz. After he’s done, he looks down at Kay. He looks at the hat. Then Kay. The hat. Then Kay. The hat, then Kay.
“Wait a minute….I think I’ve got an idea.”
He turns the hat over onto Kay.
“Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!”
[Later, a bit...]
“What’s that smell?”
Sarah turns around and sees Kay. Her hair is wet. She smells like, urine.
“Oh my God!” Styles again, with yet more great insights.
“Little Good. Poured peepee on me. During my spell. I was trying to channel the spirit of a great main eventer, but guess who is going to be wrestling tonight.”
“Who?”
“Villano I! Oh no, here he comes!”
She falls to the floor, flat on her face. Then, she looks up. She stands up.
“Voy a destruir todos en BOB. La familia la exige. Voy a ganar el emparejamiento. Ser· el mÌo. Vivo otra vez. RevoluciÛn del la de Viva. TendrÈ mi manera con sus vÌrgenes, asÌ como este cuerpo. Este cuerpo es tan bueno. TendrÈ horas del placer con este cuerpo en la celebraciÛn de derrotar a cada otro corredor en BOB.”
“What did she just say?” Sarah asks Styles.
“I don’t know. BOB can’t afford subtitles.”