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This Guy Is Falling! This Guy Is Falling!

August 2nd, 2000
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(We cut to the Warehouse of Pain as Bobo Fiendish comes out of the bathroom…)

Bobo Fiendish: What the hell? Did you (censored) pick the lock or something? Get out!

Cameraman: Uh, Mr. Fiendish, you haven’t made any comments since losing the Pan-Galactic Championship to Lord Sexbat… We were understandably curious as to your reaction, since BOB is so short on talent of late.

BF: Well, truth to tell, I don’t remember a bunch of the match…

Cameraman: That’s okay! We have tape of your career nadir…

BF: Careful, there… Unlike the majority of the roster, I have intelligence. And a BIG vocabulary…

Cameraman: I see… Uh heh heh. Would saying I’m sorry help me?

BF: I already KNOW you’re sorry. Just give me the damned tape already!

(Bobo snatches the tape and puts it in the VCR….)

BF: Okay, first we’ll cue through the teaser matches and padding… Okay, here we are! Gothboy’s in the ring… Cue my music… Run to the ring like a freight train to freeze Gothboy in terror, thus preventing escape… Everything by the numbers. Nicey-nicey. Brutal barrage of rights and lefts to say hello… Kid spits out something that looks like a tooth, and I give him the Hammer Throw to the ropes…

Cameraman: Don’t you mean Irish Whip?

BF: No. It’s a hammer throw, trust me. ‘Irish Whip’ got started with someone high up on the food chain being named McMahon, but I digress… Kneeling arc ridge-hand turns the mallrat topsy-turvy.

Cameraman: We called it a ‘big clothesline’…

BF: Who’s a clever boy, then? Clotheslines connect with the bicep across the throat – or chest, if you’re a (censored) that’s scared to take a bump… A RIDGE HAND is like a reverse karate chop, but connecting with the side of the hand your THUMB is on instead of the side with the pinky like James Bond does in the movies. Hits harder than a clenched fist, without risking the broken finger thing, or DQ. Then I yank him up by the back of his head and bring him down face-first with a high angle reverse chokeslam across my knee that should puncture at least ONE of his lungs with rib fragments… Then I clamp the little so-and-so in a Fuchiwara Armbar, and he commences the girlie-screaming… I float over his back and scissor up the other arm for my patented Seated Double Fuchiwara, the Rib Spreader. The mallrat’s bladder empties, and he starts with the blubbering. I jump up, so as not to have to explain urine stains to my dry cleaner, and pull the dink up… Drop back for a one-handed handstand, and windmill him capoeira-style with a three piece – scissor leg double axe-kick to a rolling backfist to the back of the head… Crowd goes wild. Forms champion perfect execution (no pun intended). Pull the little ragamuffin up, and give him a simultaneous knee to the kidneys and double forearm smash across the shoulders that clears his colon… The crowd starts throwing sports equipment, and I pull the mallrat up and use him as a shield… The fans run out of stuff to throw at Wes, and I get a pop for powerbombing him with Sports Authority…

Cameraman: That’s not very funny…

BF: No, but it’s good for ten grand…

Cameraman: Ah. Sorry, I forget you have endorsement deals, sometimes.

BF: Thank you very much… Say, can I do what passes for my JOB for a while?

…..

Then I bring him up, and plant him in the middle with a Samoan Drop. Wave to the crowd, so they know that it’s time to say ‘Farewell’. Big-time pop. Pick the little squidge up for the LAST time, and… A HA! So THAT”s what happened… Weird, though, I kinda thought the Blue Blazer was ALREADY dead…

Cameraman: The Blue Blazer IS dead.

BF: What are you blind? He fell right out of the sky and landed on my skimmer! Damn wires must’ve broke again… Sexbat covers and gets the win…? Wotta screwjob! Shameful! Dennis tries to get a word from the Blue Blazer, probably to ask him how he made it back from hell, but I put the kibosh on the Ouija-view and send him to Dreamland with an overhand right… Then I explain to him that he was much safer in hell as only -I- can, and security interrupts. Roll credits…

Cameraman: Bobo, it wasn”t the Blue Blazer… It was our own Kamikaze Ken. The Blue Blazer is DEAD. Ken is NOT.

(Bobo smiles the sort of smile that makes witnesses lose their memories…)

BF: Hello, my intended…

Well, it seems that the consensus is that Bobo can not be beaten… At least not CLEAN. It is to laugh. The THREE losses in my four and a half year career were ALL by screwjob interference… This proves one thing…

At least you’re PAYING ATTENTION. This pleases me. Heh. Now it’s time to move on to the NEXT lesson…

COST.

It’s very expensive to meddle, Mr. Blue Blazer. Now, I see that the brass has seen fit to APOLOGIZE to me by giving you the opportunity to show just how MUCH of a Kamikaze you really ARE by SHOWING UP on NAGAM. Which will give ME the opportunity to show all the folks at home that you don’t need fancy tools or years in college to perform a LOBOTOMY.

Who knows? Maybe the Blue Blazer will make Pete’s Cut the SECOND TIME AROUND… ?

Now, that leaves me to address the Dirty Boobie, who STILL seems to get a charge out of lying to himself. This pleases me. Doc, don’t think you’ll ALWAYS be able to hide behind your buddies like you need to do – thrillseeker extreme that you are -to FEEL SAFE when you CUT PROMOS. No, Doc. No. Very interesting that ‘he would like to bring the Wild Ride to a screeching halt’… BUT, he has ‘other engagements’. Wow, JUST like old times, huh? But he’s not avoiding me, or anything… Suuuure.

Must… Not… Laugh…

Enough jokes. Doc, we ALL know you’re so yellow that they let you into the UEA because they thought you were CHINESE. Yeah, I guess you figure it’s funny that some DINK fell out of the sky and cost me the belt, huh? Well, you know something? -I- think it’s funny that this FEEB has more guts than you EVER had… You know WHY?

At least -HE- got in the RING with ME.

Say what you want, Doc. Even the DENSEST mark can see through you like GLASS. YELLOW…. STAINED…. GLASS. And it falls to the Angel of DEATH…. MOST… EXALTED… to kick some glass down the calender AND the line. And just to show you I’m a sport, I’ll help you with that smirk problem you mentioned.

You’re welcome… See you SOON.

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