(Bobo Fiendish gets set to hear the eloquent retort of Justin Voss. It blurs by, and Bobo looks puzzled. He rewinds the tape, and sets it for slo-mo, and STILL misses it. He taps his foot impatiently as he wires the news-services for a transcript. Ten seconds later the computer prints it out, and Bobo closely studies the sentence. He looks to the printer – perhaps expecting more – but nothing else comes over the wire. He crumples the paper and flings it into the trashcan.)
Bobo Fiendish: Hello, my intended…
Well, even I’m surprised by this one, folks… Justin Voss seems intent to mount a campaign based on speeches that fit on bumper-stickers… I mean, come on! If I BLINKED I would have missed that last promo, Justy. This is beginning to look like you don’t take me seriously as an opponent. Well, if that’s the case then let me say this:
Those photos you have of the Big BOSS? He now knows you made them with Photoshop… Looks like your ‘Ace in the Hole’ just got trumped. Awww…. Too bad.
Now to business… I’ve decided to show the fans a Champion Caliber Promo, and for that I visited the soup kitchen and retrieved THIS.
(Bobo points to a large box with air-holes gouged in it. Soft sobbing is barely audible through the styrofoam peanuts. Bobo kicks the box, and it breaks open like a piñata. A smallish man in a bowler hat with a microphone in his hand spills out amidst the chaff, and Bobo hauls him to a vertical base…)
Dennis: I say there, old chap, where the bloody hell am I? It was Fish and Chips night at the bowery!
BF: Are you not Dennis, of Brawlers on a Budget?
Dennis: Well, I’m Dennis… I haven’t been allowed to interview anyone since they signed me, though… Hard cheese, I s’pose, but the rub is that I foolishly signed a pay-per-appearance contract; which brought me to the desperate times you trundled me away from in a box. Bit of a rip, that, eh what?
BF: ………That’s just sad. Well, since I went through all the trouble to fetch you, you may as well do your thing… Who knows? It might not suck…
Dennis: What are you asking?
BF: Duh? Why did they hire you?
Dennis: I was cheap.
BF: BESIDES that, you dink.
Dennis: I’m an interviewer?
BF: Well, the jury’s still deliberating…
Dennis: Are YOU a wrestler with… With BOB?
BF: Would anyone NOT in BOB know it existed?
Dennis: Oh, happy day! I can finally make some money without losing a pint of blood!
BF: ….Jury’s still out on THAT too. Heh.
Dennis: Uh… Well, moving right along, sir… What exactly is your name?
BF: Fiendish. Bobo Fiendish.
Dennis: Very droll… Nice jab with the ‘Bond’ bit, but really…
BF: No. REALLY. My name is Bobo Fiendish… Also known as the Angel of Death MOST EXALTED.
Dennis: Ooooo-Kay… And what brings you to Brawlers on a Budget?
BF: A bus.
Dennis: Two for two, then. Smashing…
BF: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves… Heh.
Dennis: I… -Ahem- Well, uh, how long have you been in BOB, uh, Bobo…?
BF: A good while, now…
Dennis: And what do you think of the other wrestlers here?
BF: Not much.
Dennis: Well, that’s grand… What have you been doing here, uh, in BOB?
Dennis: Uh… Future plans, or dare I imagine?
BF: Glad you asked… I figure at a Death Experience – BOBs Third PPV – I will jump up and down on the Stereo-Typical Face Justin Voss until he’s paper thin and DRY. After that, I expect to hold on to the Pan-Galactic Championship for thirty days, after which they’ll probably take it away because nobody wants to fight me, PERIOD. Belt or not. Not that I blame them, of course… For what the ‘boys’ make here, they’d have to be STUPID to step up for a severe thrashing at the hands of the Man, the Myth, the MONSTER that IS… Bobo Fiendish.
Dennis: Uh, what makes you so certain that you’ll defeat Justin Voss? People like to see faces win… And I also hear that he has pictures of the Big BOSS in flagrante…
BF: Those are fakes.
BF: Yes. Pretty amateurish cut and paste job, too…
Dennis: Fascinating… So, what you”re saying is that Justin is going to have his hands full at a Death Experience?
BF: Well, he will once I give him back his HEAD… But I digress.
Dennis: Thanks EVER so…. Well, folks… Can Good triumph over Evil? Will Justin Voss overcome what seems to be impossible odds and defeat this… Monster?
BF: Not bloody likely, guv’nuh. Heh.
Dennis: That wasn’t very nice…
Dennis: …..Right then. Any parting comments for the folks at home?
BF: Certainly. Folks, for too long you have been hoodwinked by the likes of the Stereo-Typical Feces Justin Voss. You have been led to believe that of all the wrestlers in Brawlers on a Budget, HE is the one you should cheer. That is not so. And as he further insults your intelligence with lame asides, re-re-recycled catch-phrases and sound bites that wouldn’t fill a supermodel’s belly, you have to ask yourself… ‘Why the hell am I cheering for THAT big DINK Justin Voss?’ Then, I’ll be happy to give you something you’ve not seen in YEARS of professional wrestling…
A CHAMPION that is WORTHY of the TITLE…
You’re welcome… See you SOON.
Dennis: …..Right-o. Well, folks, this has been Dennis the Interviewer… On behalf of Brawlers on a Budget, let me say ‘Good Night, and God Help Justin Voss…’
BF: …. What the hell are you doing?
Dennis: I’m, uh, wrapping up…. The interview is over, right?
BF: The SEGMENT ends with me saying ‘You’re Welcome’… Like it ALWAYS has for three years….
Dennis: Uh… Sorry, old chap, I’m a little out of the loop…
BF: Well, we can fix that… C’mere….
Clive: Oh, I can’t look…. (Camera points down)
Dennis: AAAAAAIIIIIEEE! For the love of GOD, NOoooooO! Someone call a CONSTABLE! AAAAAAaaaa!
BF: You can look now… Heh.
(The camera comes into focus to see Dennis is nowhere in sight, as Bobo nails shut a big box marked ‘London’ with three stamps on it… The box DOESN’T have air-holes…)
Clive: That doesn’t look like enough postage…
BF: I know… But at least he’ll be in the loop… The Postal Loop, I admit, but why be picky?
Clive: That is SO disturbing…
BF: Heh. Remember, Dennis… Short breaths… CONSERVATION is the key to survival…
You’re welcome… See you SOON.