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Gluttons for Punishment 2 Results!

May 3rd, 2009
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INTERCOURSE, Pa. – Every title changed hands at Brawlers On a Budget‘s latest mega event, Gluttons for Punishment 2. The biggest shocker? The new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS wasn’t even booked into the TITLE match!

Scatman def. Dr. Silaconne M. Plants via pinfall to win THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS to cap the night off, after Jerri Li revealed that she has been SMP’s “secret admirer,” then knocked him out with a pipe. Scatman cashed in the Beer In The Belly with Executive Producer Trey Vincent and made history. This was SMP’s second title match in a row.

Dr. Silaconne M. Plants def. Kobe Gyant via pinfall in a Steel Cage Match to defend THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. Before Scatman and Jerri Li got involved, SMP won with a Med Degree on a steel chair to finally put away the young challenger in this classic match, only to lose it moments later.

The Great outlasted 32 men, women, inanimate objects, cyborgs, and WSE members to win the Royal Flush Rumble to become the number one contender for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. Also during the match, Axl won the Swiss Army Belt by eliminating the most brawlers during the match; Kevin the Pyromaniac won the You Gotta Be Kidding Me I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin’ Mind T&A XX Division Hardcore Title by retrieving it with a ladder; and Jerri Li won both Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Titles by eliminating competitors at the random “wild card” elimination times.

Jerri Li def. Sarah in a Loser Leaves BOB Ladder Match via retrieving a contract hanging over the ring. Christian St. Christian inserted himself into the match, and helped Li go onto ultimate victory over her rival. Post-match, Sarah bid a teary farewell to Brawlers On a Budget (and also kicked ex-husband Scotty Whatbody on her way out).

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Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #20 Results!

April 23rd, 2009
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SIN CITY – Chaos. That one word best sums up Brawlers On a Budget‘s Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #20. The night began with 10 hellacious chair shots, and ended with the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS tapping out in the middle of the ring.

ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Dr. Silaconne M. Plants def. Sarah via pinfall. SMP prevailed against the former two-time OWCTM as complete chaos erupted during this potential Match of the Year candidate. Executive Producer Trey Vincent inserted himself as the special referee for the contest, while everyone from the locker room headed out to watch this historic main event (and possibly Sarah’s last appearance on iMPLOSION). Steel Chair instigated the entire incident by rappelling into the ring. Vincent tossed Steel Chair at Steve Studnuts, who batted the chair away with the Medium-Sized Bucket™, but right into The Great. Everybody brawled, with Jerri Li, Scatman, and Christian St. Christian eventually taking out everyone. The Fetish Freaks finale? A vicious tombstone for Sarah delivered by Jerri Li on a cheese grater chair, leading to SMP getting the pin. Post-match, however, Kobe Gyant, the number one contender targeted SMP, the man he’ll face in the cage at Gluttons For Punishment on May 2, and locked him in the Dribbler Crossface. SMP tapped as iMPLOSION went off the air!

Kevin the Pyromaniac returned to BOB, and after taking out the various Mr. Fantastic clones – including Cyborg, Chocolate, Jell-O, Kung Pao, British, Beachball, Paperclip, Origami, and Rubix Cube Mr. Fantastics – and unleashing his Burning Elbow, vowed to finally become the hardcore champion.

Kobe Gyant def. Kid Pirate via pinfall to win the Swiss Army Belt. However, Gyant was stripped of the title post-match at SMP’s urging, and Kid Pirate forced Gyant to decide between defending the title in the upcoming Royal Flush Rumble at Gluttons for Punishment and face SMP, or to focus all his attention on SMP. This proved to be a no-brainer for Kobe, who said the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS is all that matters to him.

Axl def. Jerri Li in a Great American Bash In Axl’s Skull Match via not having his skull caved in. Jerri pulled out all the stops, including a double chair, ladder chair, table chair, flaming chair, barbed wire chair, cheese grater chair, light tube chair, and even a C4 chair! Axl looked to be done after the tenth brutal chair shot, but Sarah ran out with everybody knocked out by the C4 explosion and duct taped Axl to the ropes. This is what forced Jerri into her actions later in the night, costing Sarah the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

Up next, BOB heads to Intercourse, PA for the Gluttons For Punishment 2 On-Demand! Check out the entire GFP2 card, and send us your money!

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March Mayhem 2009 Results!

April 15th, 2009
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Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, Brawlers On a Budget‘s ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, shocked the parody e-wrestling world on March 11 when (in an attempt to ‘prove’ himself as the greatest ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS of all time) he proclaimed that he would defend THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS in the original March Mayhem Tournament format.

SMP put up his title in a non-booked 65 man tournament based on the outcomes of NCAA tournament games. BOB wrestler fortunes were determined by the teams they were matched up with. For example, if one of BOB’s wrestlers got paired with the Kansas Jayhawks and Kansas won the National Championship, then that person would have become the new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS.

It was unprecedented. It was crazy. Why would a champion do this? Why would a champion that could skate to Gluttons for Punishment 2 to face Kobe Gyant in a Steel Cage match risk losing his title beforehand and ruin a saucy main event?

Because, as SMP said at the time, “I’m the best. And Carolina should win this year.”

The NCAA “March Madness” tournament is always unpredictable. Now you can relive all the action as 65 men, women, and inanimate objects seek to become the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS in March Mayhem 2009!

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Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! 19 Results!

April 9th, 2009
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SIN CITY – Death and You Gotta Be Kidding Me I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin’ Mind T&A XX Division Hardcore Champion Hamster Girl went “6 Rounds” in a memorable You Gotta Be Kidding Me I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin’ Mind T&A XX Division Hardcore Title match on Brawlers On a Budget’s Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #19. But in the end, Hamster Girl successfully defended her title against Big Bony with a little help from her manager.

Hamster Girl’s manager, Sammy Stoner, gave Hamster Girl a “leg up” and caused Death to fall out of a helicopter in the final “challenge,” a Last Entity Not Thrown Out of a Helicopter Match. Death tried to steal the win with some help from fellow Entities of Destruction members Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, Kid Pirate, the Swiss Army Champion and Acting BigBOSS, and Steel Chair. However, Kobe Gyant and Joe Bananas (along with Red Chair and Black Chair) made the save, as the feud between Gyant Bananas and the EOD continues to intensify.

Hamster Girl’s other challenges this night included not getting her title belt stolen, tongue wrestling XXXtreme Machine in an elevator for 20 floors, kissing Scatman‘s feces-covered tushy, finding a certain room in the hotel containing a photograph of her beltnapped belt, and eating a plate full of evil German peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!

Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Champions The Great & “XFactor” Pete Trable defeated Steve Studnuts and Christian St. Christian, after Christian turned out to be Executive Producer Trey Vincent in disguise. Vincent unmasked after delivering a Coming Down on his former buddy, and setting up Studnuts for a Twist of Great for the pin. Vincent then also got some revenge on referee Vicky Jean, hitting her with a Shocking Conclusion before ripping off her top!

Throughout the night, footage of Scotty Whatbody “training” (some might call it “torturing”) Axl to prepare him for his next match, a Great American Bash In Axl’s Skull Match, on the next iMPLOSION! Numerous chair shots, hot rocks, broken glass, thumbtacks, a “cat fight” in pudding, and watching “One Night In Chyna” are just a few things Scotty cooked up for Axl’s training sessions in Sinister City to toughen him up!

Kobe Gyant & Joe Bananas defeated Jerri Li & Viet Kong in a Vietnamese Deathmatch. If you like blood and barbed wire, then this is the match for you! Well, as much as G5TV would allow us to do, anyway.

The night began with the Entities of Destruction celebrating SMP’s successful ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS defense in the March Mayhem 2009 tournament. Gyant came out to confront SMP, and also try to stir up some trouble within the group, before Viet Kong (and his manager “Charlie”) made his return to BOB after a long absence. Bananas came to the rescue of his partner, however, and Kong ended up taking a ride off the plank through a stack of flaming tables that mysteriously appeared!

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Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #18 Results!

March 25th, 2009
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SIN CITY – Gluttons for Punishment 2 is right around the corner, but before we get to Brawlers On a Budget’s next On-Demand, the next two editions of iMPLOSION will feature FOUR title matches, all of which were drawn at random on Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #18! In the next month, BOB’s entire championship landscape could change.

Kid Pirate booked the following matches by pulling contenders out of his hat:

  • ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS: Dr. Silaconne M. Plants (if he retains the title in the March Mayhem 2009 tournament) will face former two-time ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Sarah Whatbody!
  • Swiss Army Belt: Pirate will defend his title against Kobe Gyant!
  • The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin’ Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Championship: Hamster Girl will defend her title against Death!
  • The Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Titles: The Great and “XFactor” Pete Trable will defend their titles against the pairing of Steve Studnuts and Christian St. Christian.
  • In other action, Jerri Li will face Axl in a Great American Bash In Axl’s Skull Match!

Prior to the championship lottery-style drawing, which was supposed to be done by BOB’s Executive Producer Trey Vincent, Studnuts got some payback on his former friend by assaulting him with the Medium-Sized Bucket. Referee Vicky Jean, who was being forced into receiving a “public spanking” by Vincent, provided plenty of distraction for Studnuts to sneak into the ring and beat Vincent bloody with the bucket. What will Vincent’s response be? And will we ever see Vincent vs. Studnuts going one on one?

SMP & Death def. Gyant & Joe Bananas via pinfall thanks to some help from the newest member of the Entities of Destruction, Steel Chair! Steel Chair made its presence known by rappelling down on a zip line to lend Death a hand (figuratively speaking, of course). Pirate also interfered in this match, smashing a bottle of rum over Gyant’s skull, before Plants nailed Gyant with a Medigree into the glass.

Li defeated Tia Tarr via pinfall in a brutal no disqualification match that ended after Li tombstoned Tarr through a ringside table.

Also on this night, the Entities of Destruction continued to prepare for SMP’s alleged secret admirer, Joanie Laurer, by watching the infamous (disturbing) “One Night In Chyna” sex tape. Laurer is rumored to reveal herself (hopefully only figuratively) at Gluttons for Punishment 2 on BOB-On-Demand!

Axl & Sarah def. Christian & Scatman via disqualification after Li interfered, laying out both Sarah and Axl with a chair. The Fetish Freaks continued assaulting the new tag team of Axl and Sarah (a team Axl’s new manager Scotty Whatbody put together) until Pigeon ran in to make the save.

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Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #17 Results

March 18th, 2009
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SIN CITY – On Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION! #17, Steve Studnuts mystery tag team partner derailed Brawlers On a Budget’s plans to showcase the first-time ever meeting between Studnuts and Trey Vincent in the main event at MegaBrawl III: Season of the Witch this December.

That mystery partner? Vincent. BOB’s Executive Producer made his official return to BOB after a completely uneventful previous few months waiting for some other federation to get rolling.

Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Champions The Great & “XFactor” Pete Trable def. Studnuts & Vincent in a non-title match when The Great pinned Vincent after a DDT on a chair. After announcing that there will be special random drawing for championship matches next week on iMPLOSION 18 (in addition to a “public spanking” of referee Vicky Jean), Vincent made his entrance, joining Studnuts to face BOB’s tag team champions. Vincent apparently threw the match after he made a deal with Trable in return for Cyborg Angelina X “lending Vincent a hand” at a rate of 200 strokes per minute.

Post-match, The Great and Trable has some problems of their own as several Mr. Fantastic clones, including Cyborg Mr. Fantastic, Chocolate Mr. Fantastic and Werewolf Mr. Fantastic, went on the warpath. No doubt these creations by mad scientist Dr. Poindexter are gunning for the tag team champions.

Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam def. Axl via pin. Axl had a rough night. Aside from getting kicked in the “yams” and losing his match, Axl also had to deal with the OWTTM number one contender, Kobe Gyant, who took out Axl’s agent, Tifa Witherspoon, to dinner using Axl’s credit card. By the end of the night, Axl was washing dishes to make up for the mess he made at the restaurant.

The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin’ Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Champion Hamster Girl def. The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out Of Your Frickin’ Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Title Belt via pinfall. While Hamster Girl was victorious, post-match Jerri Li led the Fetish Freaks (Scatman and Christian St. Christian) into the ring for a beatdown. Li wants the title badly. But before the trio could inflict any serious damage, Sarah Whatbody ran in from the announce table and cleared the ring. Could we be on our way to another violent confrontation between Jerri and Sarah who had numerous outstanding matches last year?

We also found out Gyant’s tag team partner will be Joe Bananas next week. The “Gyant Bananas” will face Entities of Destruction members ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS Dr. Silaconne M. Plants (who thinks he’s finally figured out who his mysterious secret admirer is) and Death in tag team action. Gyant hit the first strike in this building feud when he Van Horninated a giant plastic banana into Death’s skull.

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Bearly Legal Results!

February 28th, 2009
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SIN CITY — Thanks to a sinister conspiracy, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants successfully defended the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS against American Panda at Brawlers On a Budget’s Bearly Legal On-Demand, thanks to help from Death and Acting BigBOSS and Swiss Army Belt champion Kid Pirate.

With referee Vicky Jean incapacitated, the Sin City crowd was shocked as Death returned and stuck his finger where it didn’t belong. After a Touch of Death on American Panda, Kid Pirate emerged wearing a referee shirt and counted to three, and SMP got the victory over the dead American hero.

This shocking main event capped off a night of insane action that lived up to the name “Bearly Legal.” In other action:

Kid Pirate defeated Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam via pinfall to retain the Swiss Army Belt, but it took a LOT of help. SMP got involved TWICE, and Axl also got involved. But both men had the same target: Sam. No doubt Sam will be looking for revenge on Kid Pirate, Axl, and SMP in the coming weeks here in BOB.

Kobe Gyant defeated Axl via pin after some help from…any guesses? Yep, SMP once again. The Doc was all over this show, making sure his enemies paid for the things they’ve said in the Rant Zone recently, as well as trying to figure out who his “secret admirer” is. However, SMP has a new challenger for the OWTTM in the form of Gyant. The two will face off at the next BOB On-Demand mega-event.

Steve Studnuts defeated Pigeon via pinfall, and was once again successful in his quest for a match against Trey Vincent at MegaBrawl III. Vincent, BOB’s Executive Producer, has guaranteed the first-ever meeting of the two former iAd members as long as Studnuts can stay undefeated for the remainder of 2009.

Hamster Girl survived the Hardcore Plexiglass Elimination Chamber to become the new The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin’ Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Champion by defeating The You Gotta Be Kidding I Ain’t Doing That, Are You Out of Your Frickin’ Mind T&A Hardcore XX Division Title Belt, Tia Tarr, Scatman, Christian St. Christian and Jerri Li.

The Great and XFactor Pete Trable defeated The Wizard and Thomas Largeman via magic trick. Yes, The Great and Trable made the number one contenders for the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team titles disappear.

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Wrestling & Romance

February 17th, 2009
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Scatman

[Scatman, who has clearly had more than a few beers, is stood in his roach infested kitchen smoking a joint as the last few seconds count down on his microwave. He, being Scatman, is a very disgusting individual and is heating up a plastic toy baby to give his pet dog to play with.]

Scatman: Sweet sweet sticky bud fresh off the plantation, how do I love thee?

[The timer on the microwave dings.]

Scatman: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s rose? Or the beauty of a Hershey’s Bar stuck between the teeth?

[He opens the microwave door and pulls the half melted baby off the turntable, some of it’s skin stuck like melted rubber and tearing away.]

Scatman: I’m spoiling you Mars, just like those motherfuckers in the Ferrero Roche commercials.

[He tosses the baby to Mars, who chows down on it like a plate of spaghetti.]

[Scatman turns to the camera, blowing smoke through his chapped, disfigured and shit stained lips and becomes serious.]

Scatman: At Beary Legal I will face a bunch of strangely familiar wrestlers for the AYOOYF… shit, that’s a lot of letters… the hardcore title! All I have to say is, I don’t care if you like crushing people with your feet, like mutilating yourself and others, are some weird circus bitch with boring rants or some cute bitch in a hamster suit who I’d like to suck the shit out of… you’re all going down under the mighty power of the Scatman! Except the belt, inanimate objects seem fucking dangerous as fuck in BOB for some reason.

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The doctor is Insane

February 17th, 2009

Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam

[The normal calm collective and insanely silly Sam, Sam the Dancing Yam wants to reply to the unjustified remarks made to him by that evil Doctor of Shitinomics, the insane one, the man who’s been institutionalized – Dr. Plants.]

SSTDY – Normally I’d be sitting here drinking my Yam Juicetm, but Mr. Plants has got me all riled up. You see Mr. Plants, I’m not fussed weither or not the eWmania Championship counts or not. At least I didn’t get one of my titles sold in a silent auction or given to a pirate. Which is a plus in my department. So think about that before deciding that my Title reign don’t matter.

[Sam pauses for a moment.]

SSTDY – And at least I don’t have to reside in a mental institution until or beyond Bearly Legal Requirements, so I wouldn’t be boasting to loud, Mr. Insane in the membrane. So why don’t you take your crazy white untrained ass back to the hell that is Death Valley, where you belong…

rant

To be… or not to be. Crazy.

February 16th, 2009
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Dr. Silaconne M. Plants

[Last time on “The Life and Times of the Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today™”:]

Surgeon: I’m going to write you a consult to a colleague of mine, he can…. ummm, help you.

SMP: As long as he takes out my fucken jugular, it’s a deal.

Surgeon: Yeah, he can take out your fucken jugular. *rolls eyes* Excuse me, I have to make a call and see if he has an open appointment.

[The surgeon flips open a cell phone, waits a few seconds, and…]

Surgeon: [whispering] Hey, buddy. Got one for ya…
….yeah, he’s a loon. Anything open this month?

No?
In five weeks?

You have to take THIS one, we’ll be laughing at the golf course for months.

You do?
Sweet. I’ll send him over there when his handler decides to promo again…

I think he does….

[The surgeon looks at Plants…]

Surgeon: You do have insurance, right?

SMP: Oh yeah, yeah. That’s what I’m doing right now, getting insurance. American Panda will not defeat me. No fucken jugular, no eating of fucken jugular, no win. That’s insurance! It’s a foolproof policy!

[The surgeon is back to his phone conversation.]

He’s a five star whacko. See you at the country club.

[The Surgeon hangs up.]

Surgeon: You’re all set, Dr. Plants. He’ll see you when ‘you know who’ quits being a lazy ass and types up the appointment meeting and, uhrah… remove that pesky fucken jugular for you. 

SMP: Thank you so much! You’re aces, kid!

[And now, the continuing saga of “No fucken jugular, no fucken problem”-subtitled: American Panda vs. American Psycho or perhaps Italian Psycho?

[Cut to a generic doctor’s waiting room with generic staff and non-descript furniture. It’s a psychiatrist’s office, a place Dr. Silaconne M. Plants has visited several times over his wrestling tenure. A place he probably should have been more often than not. Although not certifiable, SMP has definitely been involved in some shenanigans that could have pegged him at least borderline schizophrenic or damned near insane. Due to time constraints, we go right to Plants who’s already in the doctor’s office as the physician walks in…a white haired dude with a Colonel Sanders moustache and goatee.] 

Doctor: Good aft’noon, I’ve been waiting to zee you, ja.

SMP: Was that a question?

Doctor: Funny man, no? Pleasure to meet you SMP, zee greatest professional wrestler ever.

SMP: Ah yes. You’ve heard of me then?

Doctor: No, I read button on your lapel. I take best care of you, ja. I. B. Looney.

SMP: Isn’t that ironic, don’t you think?

Dr. Looney: Like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife, no? I. B. Looney. *extends hand*

SMP: You said that. I thought I was here to find out if I am loony.

Dr. Looney: HA! You can’t be zee Dr. Looney! There’s only one, ja? Dr. I. B. Looney! Me! I. B. Looney!

SMP: Ummm, do you have a partner? I’m pretty uncomfortable right now.

Dr. Looney: Like a tag-team partner, ja? Consult? I fix you right up, I still get zee consult fee, ja.

[Later that day in another office:]

SMP: Hello, doctor. I’m Dr. Silaconne M. Plants.

Doctor: Nice to meet you *extends hand*. R. U. Krasee.

SMP: Don’t know, that’s why I’m here.

Dr. Krasee: You don’t understand. That’s my name. R. U. Krasee.

SMP: WHAT’S your name? And I don’t know if I’m crazy, you’re the expert. Wait, what’s your name again?

Dr. Krasee: I told you. R. U. Krasee.

SMP: Fine then, you don’t want to tell me again. Fine. Just FINE! And STOP asking me that!

Dr. Krasee: Asking you what? I haven’t asked you a thing.

SMP: You asked me if I was crazy just a second ago.

Dr. Krasee: That’s ridiculous, I haven’t asked you one question. And if I did ask you that, I’d never use the “crazy” word. We prefer mentally unstable or emotionally challenged here at the “Notso Nutso” Clinic.

SMP: You asked me if I was crazy! You said, “are you crazy” to me three times!

Dr. Krasee: Yes, when introducing myself. R. U. Krasee. But I haven’t asked you anything.       

SMP: You just did it there! Like Kevin Nealon on SNL doing that lame skit with subliminal messages!

Dr. Krasee: Excuse me? I just told you my name. R. U. Krasee. I never asked a question. Just told you my name. R. U. Krasee. That’s me. R. U. Krasee. I’ve never heard of Kevin Nealon, but I bet he’s heard of me, R. U. Krasee.

SMP: STOP IT, MAN! YOU’RE DRIVING ME INSANE! STOP IT WITH THE CREEPY SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE GUY ROUTINE!

Dr. Krasee: Dr. Plants, there’s several subliminal messages in the world, but I’m not guilty of participating. I do have this snazzy video that shows some subliminals in advertising, though. Do enjoy!

SMP: Wow. I need a cigarette.

Dr. Krasee: Indeed, my wife especially likes the hotdog one and the bowl, but the contents in the bowl makes me feel a little self conscious, you know? But what can I do? She’s such a naughty girl sometimes.

SMP: Your wife?

Dr. Krasee: Yes. U. B. Krasee. Ursula, oh how I love her, she calls me Randy. You know, short for Randolph.

SMP: I heard that. Don’t think I didn’t hear you just call me crazy douja-like. Yeah, you be crazy. Um-hmm.

Dr. Krasee: What? Are you talking about my wife? U. B. Krasee.

SMP: OKAY! That’s it! I’m out of here!

[Later that day in another office.]

SMP: This has been a very strange day, can you help me? I think I’m losing my mind.

Doctor: I’ll do whatever I can. An honor to meet you, Dr. SMP, best wrestler on the planet.

SMP: Thanks.

Doctor: Nice t-shirt, is that Calibri?

SMP: No, it’s cotton.

Doctor: Talking about the font, Doc. I really like how “best wrestler” is in that text highlight color.

SMP: Yeah, okay. Whatever. Can you help me?

Doctor: Sure. *extends hand* I’ll do my best. I. M. Nuttz.     

SMP: Oh, piss off! Are there any shrinks in this town whose names are NOT a poorly constructed series of puns?

Doctor: Huh?

SMP: I. M. Nuttz? Huh? Really?

Doctor: Well, if you are I can help you.

SMP: Oh no, don’t turn this around on me! You said, I.M. Nuttz.

Doctor: No I didn’t. I never called you that at all.

SMP:  THAT’S IT! I can’t stand any more of this! American Panda, at Bearly Legal I’m going to beat you so severely that Sarah McLachlan is going to want my head! She’s already stirring up guff after what I did to you at iMPLOSION! 16. But that’s okay. Putting you nighty night with temporary paralysis with tainted bamboo and busting your noggin wide open was just the beginning. I’m hunting bear! Panda Bear!

Dr. Nuttz: Are you talking about fighting a bear? Hitting a bear?

SMP: Yes, a REAL bear. I put lipstick on him and made him kiss my ass, too. I have to defend my ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS against him at Bearly Legal. He’s going to try and eat my fucken jugular, but I can stop that if you take out my fucken jugular.

Dr. Nuttz: Did you say a bear kissed your ass?

SMP: Yes, after I put lipstick on him.   

Dr. Nuttz: And you said your name is silicone implants?

SMP: Correct.

Dr. Nuttz: You think you’re silicone implants, had a bear with applied lipstick, that you put on him, kiss your ass after you paralyzed him with laced bamboo, and now you’re afraid he’s going to eat your jugular for revenge. Well, I can see why he’d be upset. Pffft.

SMP: My fucken jugular.

Dr. Nuttz: Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

SMP: So, can you help me or what?

Dr. Nuttz: Well, you’re definitely getting admitted, you need extensive psychiatric evaluation and treatment. Say, aren’t you that guy that hid under Ruben Studdard’s titty and attacked that horrible singer at last year’s ”American Idol” finale?

SMP: No.

Dr. Nuttz: I see a history of bizarre behavior here. Aren’t you also the same guy that caused a ruckus on “Jeopardy” and wiped feces on a door?

SMP: No, I’m positive that was Scatman. You can’t admit me, I have to be a Bearly Legal!

Dr. Nuttz: You keep mentioning that. Barely Legal, is that some kind of pre-18 party? You could go to jail for that, you know?

SMP: No! Bearly Legal! Bearly Legal!

Dr. Nuttz: I said that…

[SMP runs and jumps out of the window, hopefully to appear at Bearly Legal-On Demand to defend his championship. Will he make it? Stay tuned…]


SSTDY – First of all never call me Sammy boy ever again otherwise you can forget about those cases of Yam Juicetm that I owe you, and two like always I have absolutely no idea what I’m going to do next. Will I reign undisputed and undefeated as eWmania champion? I hope so. Will I clime the ranks of BOB and win the OWTTM? Hell yes. Will I join another company and spread the word of Yams everywhere? We shall wait and see, Mr. Judy in the Sky with Diamonds. Fate is an unknown factor so we shall just have to wait and see what happens next.

SMP: *while running to his car* I saw this, Sammy BOY! Yeah, I said it, SAMMY BOY! You may be good at winning eWmania events that A) Don’t Matter and B) Mean Nothing… but the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS is on top of a mountain you’ll NEVER CLIME (sic). After I kill that bear, I’m gonna have Yam Juice™<--yeah? ON THE BOTTOM OF MY $1,000 ITALIAN DESIGNER WINGTIPS AFTER I STOMP YOUR GUTS OUT, PAL! GET IT? GOT IT? GOOD! [Cut back to the open window, Dr. Nuttz looks out of it shaking his head.] Dr. Nuttz: That man. Is insane. I really hope he gets the help he needs...

rant